insecurity

This very very serious post was inspired by this post at a blog I always visit cos the guy's funny and ten kinds of nice in a good way.

My friends often say that I seem to expect very little of them and not miss them at all when they're away. Which is absolutely true. I think it's because of that that I don't really get into major tiffs with friends. I don't get all worked up thinking that someone's being insensitive or uncaring or someone doesn't appreciate me as much as he/she should, and it's perfectly alright if friends disappear for months for whatever reason as long as I know we're still friends. Which is why I really don't understand why certain quarrels are so hard to resolve. (ahem :P)

I figure that since I spend most of my time not thinking or caring about my friends, there's no reason why I should expect any of my friends to spend any significant amount of time thinking about me. Most of my mental (and a large part of my emotional) effort goes into the constant inner struggle over whether I should finish up that chocolate bar in my fridge. (there's always a chocolate bar in the fridge) So I fully expect my friends to be more concerned about dinner than about me, and I fully expect them to contact me only when they're bored/ need help/ need company. And it's ok.

In the same way, because I'm never able to remember faces and names, if I have met someone only once or twice, I expect him/her to have forgotten me, and am pleasantly surprised when he hasn't. (and very embarrassed because 99% of the time, I've forgotten who he is. Also, when I introduce myself again, they're like, dude, I know who you are.)

On the other hand, for those people (read: LSB) whom I think about only slightly less than chocolate, I feel terribly devastated when I find that no, LSB has not been thinking of me at all, omg why doesn't he think about me does he still love me?!?!?! *silent scream, pulls hair out* And if he still hasn't remembered my birthday you better take a step back cos I don't know what I might do. But you know, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship when I'm like that. Well, at least I know that I'm more than a bit neurotic when it comes to LSB and I'm trying my best to take a more laid-back approach and to expect less of my boyfriend-who-is-an-utter-caveman-and-not-a-SNAG-at-all. *sigh*

Ok, I took a nap just now and woke at 1am, so many more sleepless hours to go...

Bimbotic post - shoes & dresses

Guys, witness the height (depths) of my bimboticness...

I need to re-organize my wardrobe. As much as I'd like to ignore her, my mum is right. I have too many pieces of clothes that I don't wear.

Let's ignore the large quantities of tops and pants because I can't really count past 100 (I'm afraid I don't have that many skirts) and start with the dresses.

I have:
- 1 blue dress (worn twice)
- 1 dark blue shirt dress (never worn)
- 1 black dress with floral embroidery detail (never worn)
- 1 black empire layered dress (worn once)
- 1 black cotton dress, empire cut (worn twice)
- 1 black dress, waist detail (never worn)
- 1 black + floral design dress, flutter sleeves (never worn)
- 1 black sheath dress (worn once)
- 1 black tube dress (worn once)
- 1 silver dress with belt (worn once)
- 1 brown dress with ribbon (worn once)
- 1 white & brown floral dress (never worn)
- 1 casual dress, white + floral design (worn many times)
- 1 turquoise retro dress (yes, I finally remember which dress this is) (never worn)
- 1 pink satin dress (never worn)
- 1 purple short cheongsam (worn once)

2 dresses worn twice, 6 dresses worn once, 7 dresses never worn, and only 1 dress worn many times. The stats are damning. The pink dress & the cheongsam were, unfortunately, bought when I was much slimmer *sniff* and so I'd have to lose some weight in order to wear them again. Even though I'd love to wear the cheongsam again. Even though I have no occasion to. Even though it is kind of too short and channels all kinds of slutty. Especially since it's kind of too short and all kinds of slutty. ;)

And yes, too many black dresses.

Note to self: no more black dresses.

Shoes.

- 1 pink crocs slippers (worn too many times)
- 1 cream sandals (worn many times)
- 1 dark green pumps (going to wear! it's still new)
- 1 lime green pumps (worn once)
- 1 black stiletto pumps (worn once)
- 1 black patent pumps (worn once)
- 1 white & silver heels (worn a few times)
- 1 black with gold details heels (worn many times)
- 1 beige wedges (worn many times)
- 1 pink satin peep-toes (never worn - this was probably the biggest mistake of my life, but can be remedied once I'm willing to wear tonnes of bling)
- 1 grey denim slingbacks (worn once)
- 1 black heels with metal chain (worn many times)
- 1 black strappy heels (worn a few times)
- 1 silver wedges (worn a few times)

Ok, this is not the whole list. I'm pretty sure I've a few pairs that I've completely forgotten. Anyway, the shoes that I've only worn once? It's the pain. All you gals should understand. But I've discovered a new way to break into shoes! If it works I'll tell you all.

Also, the lack of flats? It's cos it's so difficult to find pretty flats, and cos the moment I get flats, I wear them till they break. So I only have 1 pair of flats at any one time. (and at the moment it's my crocs. *the horror*)

Again, too much black. And surprisingly 2 greens. Me thinking my next pair (which will hopefully be far far in the future) should be something reddish. And it'd better be devoid of pain.

Argh......

China's middle class

Well-heeled protests hit Shanghai
Rarely have protests in China been so well organised, or the protesters so well-dressed.

The residents of Pingyang district, in the south of the city, say their health is at risk and their homes will become worthless if a planned extension to Shanghai's futuristic maglev railway goes ahead.

They are part of China's new middle class. Many of them bought their first homes here, capitalising on China's new economic freedoms.

This looks interesting.

I haven't done this in a long time.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
930am? Thanks to LSB.

2. Diamonds or Pearls?
Anything. Just give it to me. But if I had to choose... diamonds. (are you guys surprised?)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
My Blueberry Nights. Hmmm seems like my cinema phase has died down quite a bit.

4. What is your favourite TV show?
Scrubs. I wish I could say something more brainy, but this is it. Honest injun.

5. What did you eat for breakfast?
Sliced fish noodles. (or whatever it translates to)

6. What foods do you dislike?
Pretty much nothing? No, serious. I have a mood for every food ;)

7. Your favourite potato chip?
Sour cream & onions.

8. What is your favourite CD at the moment?
No favourite CD. Not in music mood today.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
No car, don't drive. Yet. ( and that's a promise!)

10. Favourite sandwich?
Oooh. So many... Hmmm almost anything with honey mustard. And olives.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
The despicable ones? Too lazy to think of what I despise.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Currently, my blue dress! I've worn it twice and I only bought it a month(?) ago!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Japan? *hint hint* New York or the UK.

14. What color is your bathroom?
White?

15. Favourite brand of clothing?
Erm no favs.

16. Favourite time of day?
There's a mood for every time of the day.

17. Where would you want to retire to?
Somewhere Mediterranean-ish. Don't do cold very well.

18. Favorite sport to watch?
Don't watch sports.

19. Coke or Pepsi?
Yucks neither.

20. Are you a morning person or night owl?
A mood for every time. Damn I do repeat myself.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I made NY resolutions! But maybe I'll talk about those next time.

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
Author.

23. What is your best childhood memory?
Sitting in car at night while parents drive through Malaysia.

24. Nicknames?
Yes, but I don't see the point of publicizing them myself.

25. Piercings?
1 in each ear.

26. Eye Color?
Dark brown.

27. Favorite day of the week?
Sunday!

28. Favorite restaurant?
Too many.

29. Favorite ice cream?
Lemon sorbet.

30. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Wow. Maybe at a school registering for courses.

31. Bedtime?
Probably 5am despite my best efforts. Sigh.

32. What are you listening to right now?
Hum of the laptop that's giving me a headache.

33. How many tattoos do you have?
Zilch.

34. Next film you'll see?
No idea.

35. Tag someone?
Blah.

Ok, that was boring. Even for me.

*yawnz*

I'd forgotten how tedious & boring library research can be.

Is Starbucks McCigarettes a horrible name for a (toy) dog? Why does everyone oppose it? I happen to think it's the right and delectable mix of wanton capitalism and health-destroying narcotics (nicotine + caffeine anyone?). Maybe if I tone it down and call him Starbucks McCiggy?

and now

What I would do without LSB, I wouldn't know.

Tumultuous days

*spotlight*

Much has happened since the last time you heard from me. *gazes pensively at starry sky*

I... *gust of wind picks up*

I... am no longer the same person. *sakura petals fall*

My love... I'm still waiting for you to return... *cries solitary tear*

Anywayz, I have to assure all of you that although I sounded as if I was nursing my nth drink in an empty bar on NY's Eve, listening to mournful songs, and ignoring all the bartender's subtle attempts to persuade me to go home, this was not the case. In fact, I was at home watching random tv shows with my family and didn't realise it was 2008 until my mum burst out of her bedroom scattering NY greetings & kisses.

This has really been the season for the past. I just got a call from a PRC kid I tutored a long time ago, and he's now in Sec 3! He was only in primary school then! I was really quite fond of him, and the call quite made my day.

Happy New Year and blah

Happy 2008 blah blah blah, countdown blah, party and drinks blah blah blah. Yeah, whatever. Too old for all this nonsense.

*bad mood*

I think I'll just curl up and read an old novel and maybe everything will pass me by.

Postcards and Food

Me is quite tired.

This has been a month for long-lost friends. I got a surprise email from a friend I've lost contact with for 4? years. I got a surprise email from an ultra-elusive friend whom I've not heard from for 2? years. And I got a surprise postcard from Oslo from a friend who replies to emails with postcards. Although he's German he keeps sending postcards from everywhere except Germany (eg. Cairo, Prague). It's kind of amusing, but damn, is he on a permanent holiday? (Like me?)

Why am I helping out for a concert just because this guy who only contacts me once a year asked me? (Btw, he also asked me if I wanted to play, and I firmly declined citing overall rustiness lolz.)

I think I should stop offering my services FOC. So this is the deal, guys, if you need any more help with applications, letters, presentations, emails, interviews (you know who I'm looking at), you'll have to feed me in exchange. I demand fair payment for my services! I don't really care what type of food you feed me as long as you feed me! Food is important to me! I will keep working as long as you keep feeding me! My loyal service can be bought with food! (Pls spread the word. I'm fairly serious about this. Unless of course, you wish to pay me in dollars/gold/stock options instead.)

楊宗緯-祝我生日快樂

Argh this song gets me every single time!

shoulda known

I finished all the stuff I had to do today quite early, then all of a sudden there was nothing to do and my mind just couldn't wrap itself round the idea that there was nothing that needed to be done.

Granted, I've not been so busy that I have not been able to watch movies or shop. Far from it. But there's always something that is waiting to be done.

And then without warning, there was nothing.

So I wafted through the house like a lost spirit, feeling empty and listless, and finally settled down like a layer of dust in front of the tv. (How else could it end?)

I should have known it wouldn't last. *stress*

(Still holding up my side of the equation and hoping it'll make a difference.)

Leibniz (tbc)

Argh! I discovered another book on my table that just might be LSB's, and the explanation of Leibniz is A LOT clearer... So it appears that I had a number of mistakes in my previous post on Leibniz. Sigh.

Ok, I promise myself that soon (SOON) I'll write another one on Leibniz that I'm satisfied with.

Thank goodness most philosophers are dead, else I shall be obliged to kill them.

Leibniz

Ok, I promised myself to write this after I read up on Descartes and Spinoza. However, I've delayed for several months now, and I think it's probably because some primal, intuitive part of me screamed 'Do Not Go There!'

Oh well, no more procrastinating!

From:

- Roger Scruton's A Short History of Modern Philosophy: From Descartes to Wittgenstein, 2nd ed.
- The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy

Leibniz

The starting point: Spinoza & the individual
- Recall Spinoza's argument that individuals are mere expressions of God (modes of the substance).
- Spinoza also argued that therefore, immortality for humans means "[surviving] in part, and [dispersing] in the infinite mind of God." (Scruton, 65)
- Leibniz thought that if individuals are mere expressions of God, then they are
not truly individuals, and immortality has no meaning if the human does not remain an individual.
- Problem: how to reconcile the notion of the 'individual' with the notion of the 'divine substance'?


Ok, now let's start with certain principles first:
Principle of Contradiction
- If something is self-contradictory, then it is false
- Anything that is the opposite of the false is true.
- The Principle of Contradiction identifies truths of reason.
- Truths of reason are necessary.
- A necessary truth/truth of reason is true in all possible worlds.
- A necessary truth/truth of reason is knowable a priori by finite minds.

Principle of Sufficient Reason
- We can find no truth without there being a sufficient reason why it is so and not otherwise, even though most of these reasons can't be known to us.
- The Principle of Sufficient Reason identifies truths of fact.
- Truths of fact are contingent.
- A contingent truth/truth of fact is only knowable a posteriori by finite minds, through experimentation and investigation.
- Only God knows contingent truths a priori.
- While acknowledging the existence of contingent truths, Leibniz still wanted to base these truths on reason, avoiding 'pure' contingency.

The Predicate-in-Subject Principle
- In every necessary or contingent truth, the concept of the predicate is included in that of the subject.
- In other words, one who understands the subject perfectly would also know that the predicate belongs to it.

Ok, now we move on.

Monads
- Entities are either composite or simple.
- Composite entities are divisible and extended.
- Simple entities are Monads.
- Monads:
- are indivisible (true substances)
- cannot be extended
- can be distinguished from each other by their predicates (properties)
- can't be created/destroyed by the natural course of things -- can only be created/destroyed by a miracle
- Every monad has a Complete Notion.
- A complete notion is a complete list of its predications.
- Each monad's complete notion is unique -- while it might share some of its predications with other monads, no monad shares a complete list of predications.
- A living force (vis viva) generates monads' perceptions.
- The living force also allows us to individuate monads even if we do not know their complete notions.
- An example of a monad is the human soul.

Leibniz "rejects the dualist position that the universe must therefore be bifurcated into two different kinds of substance, thinking substance, and material substance. Rather, it is his view that the world consists solely of one type of substance, though there are infinitely many substances of that type. These substances are partless, unextended entities, some of which are endowed with thought and consciousness, and others of which found the phenomenality of the corporeal world." (S1, para. 15, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/leibniz-mind/)

God
- God is a monad.
- God is a perfect being.
- Therefore God's complete notion can contain no negative predications. (would violate Principle of Contradiction)
- God has to exist because the existent of contingent things cannot be found in other contingent things (first cause argument - God as an entity that 'carries the reason for existence within itself')
- This world is the best of all possible worlds - God being perfect, cannot create a world that not as good as it could have been.


Problem: Contingent vs Necessary Truths
- Consider the statement 'Caesar crossed the Rubicon'
- The complete notion of 'Caesar' includes the predicated 'crossed the Rubicon' (Predicate-in-Subject Principle)
- One who did not cross the Rubicon cannot be Caesar.
- 'Caesar crossed the Rubicon' is a necessary truth. (Principle of Contradiction)
- In that case, all statements that are not illogical satisfy the Principle of Contradiction, and become necessary truths.
- How do we distinguish between contingent and necessary truths then?
Leibniz:
- If Caesar's existence was a necessary truth, that Caesar crossed the Rubicon would be a necessary truth.
- But since Caesar's existence is contingent on God creating him, there is the possibility that Caesar might not have existed and therefore might not have crossed the Rubicon, and therefore, that Caesar crossed the Rubicon is not a necessary truth.

Leading to the next problem...

Problem: Divine Freedom
- Since God is by nature perfect, he has to create the best possible world.
- Therefore God has no freedom to create a world other than this world.
- If this is so, why should humans thank God for making a decision in which he has no choice?
The crux: 2 conceptions of freedom:
1. Freedom as being free from external interference - no one intervened in God's decision to create this world and therefore, God freely made this world.
2. Freedom as being free to choose one decision or the other - God would not have been able to choose a lesser world without retaining his complete perfection and therefore, God did not freely make this world.
The implications for Caesar: (this is my extrapolation, so pls pls pls tell me if something is wrong)
- That God created the best possible world is a necessary truth.
- This best possible world contained Caesar, so Caesar's existence is necessary.
- Since Caesar's existence is necessary, Caesar's crossing of the Rubicon is necessary.
- Therefore we return to the same quagmire of distinguishing between necessary and contingent truths.

[Note: Leibniz's phrase that God's motives 'incline without necessitating' means that although God's nature makes his actions necessary, but this doesn't mean his actions are necessary (as opposed to contingent - see above Principle of Contradiction and Principle of Sufficient Reason).]

Living Organisms: Mind and Body
- A living organism is an aggregate of many monads.
- "For something to be a genuine unity, it must be a simple, indivisible entity. [ie. monads]" ( S1, para.11, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/leibniz-mind/)
- Therefore while a living organism is an aggregate, it is a 'well-founded phenomena' in that it is constituted of monads (genuine entities).
- Leibniz believed that mind and body are separate, but also believed that they were created by the same sort of entity (different types of monads).
- Leibniz rejected Descartes' claim that the mind can influence the body, or that the body can influence the mind.
- Since an individual is an aggregate and not a true unity, and individual cannot have a perception/consciousness.
- Hence, Leibniz rejects any causal relations between mind and body.
- Leibniz recognizes that our minds and bodies seem inter-related.
- But he suggests that a state of mind is caused by a previous state of mind, and a state of body is caused by a previous state of body.
- Leibniz posits that at our creation, our monads (in both mind and body) were programmed to coordinate with each other.
- Hence, the appearance of causal relations between the mind and body is merely the result of God's Pre-Established Harmony of all monads.
- Because all monads evolve in harmony with each other, each monad is like a mirror of the universe.

Perception and Appearance
- Monads cannot be extended, and therefore they do not occupy time or space.
- The physical objects appear to follow natural laws of time and space, but these natural laws don't operate at the 'genuine' level of monads.
- Therefore, the appearance of the world is organised and understood in ways that don't represent the underlying reality. (Scruton)
- But the world of appearance is a by-product of activities of monads (which act according to the pre-established harmony).
- Hence, the world of appearance is not just mere appearance. It is systematic appearance, the result of the harmonious activities of monads.

Back to the Beginning
- Leibniz tries to address the problem of the disappearance of individuals.
- He ends up saying that most of what looks like a unity (an individual) is not truly a unit but an aggregate.

________________________________________________

)#(@!*^%)#@!_$#

I'm not at all sure of any of the above. I nearly killed myself trying to get this far. I left out the stuff on whether there IS a best possible world, or whether there're worlds that are neither better nor worse nor equal to each other etc.

Anyone out there, please, if I've made an mistake or if you think anything can be clarified, please please please tell me.

Suicide Club

Urgh lousy mood today.

LSB must not forget the equation! (I'll try my best to hold up my side of the equation.)

(Sorry, guys, for the corniness.)

Watched Suicide Club today, and not only am I feeling a little ill as a result, I'm also still blur about the whole movie.

Sometimes I'm wondering if arty movies are meant to have a clear, distinct message, or whether the atmosphere and the paranoia and confused fears created by the movie are more important than any message. If so, yep, got the paranoia & fear loud and clear.

And yes, I closed my eyes at all the gory parts.

Off for the weekend!

Rubber and rain

Ok, I have to confess. The last weekend I bought 2 Fossil watches (sale! it was on sale!) and a bottle of Bulgari Black.

Never mind the watches first. I would like to gloat a bit over the Bulgari, because I'm 99.9% sure that you can't find it in any of the departmental stores or the Bulgari boutiques (yes, in my quest for elusive perfumes I've stepped into super atas boutiques). Where I got my bottle I shall refrain from disclosing. Suffice to say that the sales assistant had to dig deep within the cavernous depths of the cupboard and emerged with the bottle in unadorned cardboard packaging. Yes, it's THAT difficult to find in SG. (and if it was a breeze for any of you to find it, pls don't tell me.)

I bought Bulgari Black unsniffed. The main reason I did that was because I'd scoured the polished surfaces of departmental stores for hours to satisfy my curiosity about Bulgari Black, and now that I'd finally found it, I couldn't test it (shop policy). Come on, is it not obvious already? Could I have spent hours looking for the perfume only to find it and not be able to sniff it? Could I have done anything other than buy the damn bottle? (Are you following this?)

So purchase completed, I brought my bottle home and tried it. One sniff and I hated myself. There was a weird smell, and then there was vanilla. Vanilla. *pukes*

I tried it again a few days later, and fell head over heels in love with it. It smells of rubber and vanilla. But not just rubber and vanilla. It smells like Orchard Road during a storm. Does this make sense? It smells unmistakably of Christmas shopping, the cosmetics department and plastic bags, as well as of rain and umbrellas and traffic jams (I think that's the smoke & rubber part). Does anyone get me here?

Bulgari Black smells of metropolitan angst.

(Look, I'm very proud of above phrase. The words just popped up in my mind. So pls, all you smartasses, keep derisive comments to yourself.)

I've come to the conclusion that I can only wear Bulgari Black when I'm in town and it's rainy. It somehow feels weird to wear it while I'm at home. Conclusion: it's perfect for this season.

My X-Men dreams

Human evolution is 'speeding up'

Humans have moved into the evolutionary fast lane and are becoming increasing different, a genetic study suggests.

"At the moment we are in an evolutionary interval. We are in between two storms. One storm has more or less blown itself out, the storm of farming.

"The question is whether we are going to stay in the calms or whether another great storm will start. And if there is one, I would say it is most certainly to do with epidemic disease."

Does that mean that humans are going to (ideally) become merely more disease-resistant instead of developing X-Men-like powers?

*poutz* I want superpowers!!!!!!!! Greater immunity is just not as glamorous...

Raise the red lantern - movies movies!

DAMN. I just watched Raise the Red Lantern and now I really understand why my friend was so shocked when I told her I hadn't watched it before. It's utterly breathtaking. Zhang Yimou's recent films really don't measure up. Damn. You absolutely have to watch it if you haven't yet. It's damn near perfect, really absolutely glorious.

I'm still recovering from the effects. This is undoubtedly one of the best films I've ever seen. It's hard to even think of a film that could compete with it.

Some of my recent release (ie. in the past few years) favourites include:

- Waitress
- Moliere
- Tony Takitani
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Pretty Persuasion
- the Helen Mirren one... The Queen, was it?
- the German film... Summer Storm (if anyone knows where to get the dvd for this, pls tell me. It's one of my favourites but no freaking shop in sg sells it.)
- Munich
- V for Vendetta
- Hotel Rwanda

I'm afraid none of these recent favourites can compare to Zhang Yimou's film. Well, perhaps Summer Storm. I really liked that one, perhaps partly because the dvd's so hard to get. And films like Brokeback & The Producers didn't even make my list. And no, neither did LOTR.

And as compared to the (IMO) best films of long ago...

- I seriously think Schindlers' List loses out.
- Ditto for Dr Strangelove.
- All about Eve loses out.
- (I'm sorry LSB, Duck Soup doesn't even make the list)
- All Quiet on the Western Front loses out.
- I'm afraid all the '30s, '40s & '50s musicals that I'm so fond of (don't ask. guilty pleasure.) lose out.
- I really liked No Man's Land, but no go there either.
- Paths of Glory again good, but not good enough.

The only film I can think of that can match Raise the Red Lantern would be One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, one of my favouritest of my favourites.

Then again, I desperately need to fill in the gaps. For example, Citizen Kane is long overdue, as is Clockwork Orange and Farewell My Concubine. I also think that I'm missing a good part of the 1990s & all of the 1980s... seriously, what was good from back then? Plus I've conveniently skipped some genres like horror & film noir (spare me...). Oh and I skipped The Godfather altogether. Can I do that? Am I missing something really good?

But damn. Raise the Red Lantern is a damn good film. Watch it. No number of expletives can adequately express how good it is. That's how good it is.

this interview

I'm having a horrible time with this particular interview... I can't make out half the words, and the transcript is literally littered with question marks.

But I'm developing a lot of affection for a person long dead as his brother talks about him. He's starting to become one of my heroes. This is quite horrendous, and LSB will probably laugh his head off at me. I also probably shouldn't admit such weirdness (on my part) in public.

And all the interviews have this very palpable sense of loss that is very saddening. It's strange to hear about events not so long ago, yet very distant. It also feels very weird to listen to these old men recount the past because they all seem to know each other, and it feels a bit as if I'm given a brief tour of a small, exclusive circle.

But it's all very saddening as they talk about what they should have done, and what wasn't fair, and what it was all like back then, recalling all those dear friends and colourful personalities who've now passed on. This is why I don't like history.

The onion rules

CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

WASHINGTON—In testimony before a special panel on domestic safety Tuesday, officials at the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that the U.S. may have anywhere between one and three unidentified secret admirers currently longing for the country.

"We face a new and disturbing reality: There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national intelligence.

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The first article is just funny, but the second hits especially hard.

Brief reviews

Twinings chamomile + spearmint tea -- Not my cup of tea (hehe). It's the first Twinings that I've tried and don't like. Ends up tasting like neither chamomile nor spearmint.

Golden Compass -- No harm watching, but don't go with great expectations. Never read book but book's probably much better.

Givenchy Very Irresistible EDP (for women) -- Don't like it. Maybe I don't do roses. Maybe I don't do sweet. Come to think of it, I don't like dessert wines cos they're too sweet, and I only like bitter-ish chocolate.

Korean restaurant at JEC -- Not bad, but Pepper Lunch is better. LSB thinks otherwise.

Hairbands -- Better than tiaras. I didn't use to wear them cos a friend once commented I look very '80s' wearing them, but now I've gotten over that emotional trauma. Yay!

Me Singing A Whole New World Disney's Aladdin

OMG I'm endlessly fascinated by how he can do this. Now he sounds like a guy, next moment he's got a girl diva voice. WTF... that's pretty damn amazing. And he sounds damn good too. (same guy as Part of Your World video below)

Marie Digby - Stupid For You (Original Song)

I might just have a girl crush on this person.

It's not so much that her vocals are fantastic. Not really. In this video it seems as if she can't really reach the high notes. Some of her other vocals (see the rest of her videos) are better, some are worse. It's just the whole set-up, the flowers, the cute incident with the dog, she's got a nice laugh, shitloads of talent (I like the word shitloads, don't I?), and looks quite chio.

Ok I'm really distracted and tired and I need to do work!!!!!!!

Part of your world: guy-style (or is it?)

Oh man, the dissonance... the dissonance...

perfumes

Some of you might know I've recently gone into a perfume-crazy phase.

My problem is everyone seems to hate the perfumes I really like, so I don't really want to buy those darlings because I'm sensitive to peer pressure and could never wear them out. :( (Also, I don't have the money.)

Admittedly even I think I might wither under the onslaught of some of my favourites, like Sisley's Eau du Soir.

For all my raving, currently I have only a bottle of SJP's Lovely, and a few samples (Estee Lauder's [edit: I mean Elizabeth Arden - both are Mum's perfumes to my nose & I always get confused :P] Mediterranean, Lanvin's Rumeur).

I also sometimes steal Bvlgari Pour Homme, which I bought for my dad. Maybe I should go for more masculine perfumes?

So my current daily fare is Lovely, and while I like the scent and don't regret buying it, sometimes the fragrance just lacks a bit of something for me. It's a very comforting, pleasant fragrance (even then my sisters complain about the initial spicy scent) but still I'm looking for something... else. I've the same problem with Rumeur & Mediterranean. They're all easy to wear and nice to smell but... it's just that something else.

I think I'd very much like a bottle of Prada's Infusion d'Iris, if Santa would be so kind. I tested it one day, and my entire family recoiled in horror (why? I just don't understand it...). I didn't like it that much at first, but now I can't seem to forget it.

I also want to try out perfumes with incense notes. (I know! I'm strange! Enough already!) I've always (strangely) liked the smell of incense... Incense and smoke.

As well as tea-inspired/tea-based perfumes. L'Occitane has a white tea EDT that I quite like, and I would buy, except that they only come in big-ass bottles and cost about SGD80 each. Plus I suspect that it'll meet the same fate as my big-ass bottle of Lovely - nice to smell but lacks... something. I'd like a tea fragrance that's slightly bitter and not as sweet.

There're also certain types of perfumes that I really dislike. In a moment of folly I bought Anna Sui's Dolly Girl (it was on sale! and my first ever buy!), and it gave me such a headache that I promptly dumped the whole bottle on my sis. (That was a mistake too, cos she actually uses it, and I hate how our room smells when she sprays it.) I've already figured out which notes these are. They're the bright fruity notes... the citrusy ones, all grapefruit and stuff, plus a good dose of something horrendously sweet (I haven't figured out this part yet. Maybe it's just sugar). They're the olfactory version of someone (usually myself) screeching very loudly on the highest registers of the violin.

I also don't like perfumes that are overly vanilla-ish (ok, my nose isn't particularly discerning, so I think it should be the vanilla that does this, but it could be something else in the perfume altogether). The ones that are cloyingly sweet in a vanilla-ish kind of way. eg. Givenchy's Ange ou Demon.

And I don't like the 'fresh' perfumes... The ones that are all 'Aqua' this and that. Like Davidoff's Cool Water. I don't know why I don't like these. They just smell a bit like those SGD3.90 deodorants in Chamelon or something. Not good.

So on the eve of my french exam I'm sitting around meditating on perfumes. Urgh.

someone's blog

This has got to be one of the most beautiful blogs I've seen in a long time.

(And trust me, I see many blogs.)

Fred Astaire

I stumbled on this quite by accident (I wasn't surfing youtube! I swear! Certainly not for darling Fred!), and fell right back into love again. All that tapping just messes up my heart beat and gets me all hot and bothered... sigh...

Hilarity

Ok, I just had to blog this. I was following links and ended up at the Students' Honor Association, BYU, which is apparently a private religious university in the States (where else?).

*giggles* Ok... just check them out. Just check them out man. *waves you along while giggling*

Has pornography got you feeling cornered? Has it? If it has, just stare for 30secs at this entirely non-erotic anti-pornography poster. Seriously man, if you're going to have a poster about pornography, at least have scantily dressed women on them. How else are you going to get anyone's attention?

Oh wait. Perhaps you could tell people that PORNOGRAPHY with its sleezy filth, swoops over the earth like a horrible, engulfing tide. What delicious poetry! They've got some serious literary talent there, don't they?

And remember, you must keep a close watch on your roommates at all times. Do not be caught off guard. If your roommates should show signs of degeneration, Do Not Panic. Instead, approach cautiously and inform them in a calm and firm manner that you are obliged to Keep Them In Check, and that they are to cease their bad activities immediately. Or else you'll tell teacher. Cross your heart.

irritated

My current piece of work is irritating the hell out of me, and I'm on the verge of smashing my laptop into pieces. Close to half an hour and only 5mins done.

You have no idea how frustrating it is to sit here till my butt aches and listen to the same 5mins over and over and over. Argh.

I'm also well aware that I'm well on my way to failing that stupid French test. What drives me to register for the same test year after year when I absolutely hate studying for french? (Ok, so this is only the second year. Still.) I must hate myself dammit.

Also, LSB seems to take a perverse delight in provoking me these days. He's getting too damn cocky. Just you wait, my most cherished and beloved, I'll have my revenge when I next set eyes and claws and fangs on you.

Cold

I've been reading up on Singapore's history, and I really hate it. The stuff I've read just makes me feel cold and frightened. It's not that I didn't know about all this. I did, but in a general, abstract, and therefore non-threatening way. But the more I know about the details, the chillier Singapore feels.

I don't want anything to do with something so evil and disgusting. I'd prefer not to know any of this and be content with seeing only the Singapore that has been my home for more than 20 years. Singapore is a place where my friends and family are, a place where I think I'll be living for a long time. So I don't want to see that horrendous side of this place, and I don't want this home to be tainted by knowledge of all of those horrible things.

I'll never make it as a history student, will I? I don't want anything to do with politics, ever.

Sea Fever - John Ireland

Well, here's an alternative to the usual violin/pop/rock/jazz/animals. Beautiful rendition, paints lovely picture of grey seas and windswept rugged coasts.

Battle at Kruger

Oh man, this is high drama. Plus the ongoing commentary from safari tourists is hilarious (accents make me laugh). Yes, I experienced many moments of unbearable suspense.

Re: Cat Talking, Translation

Ah I get it, too many animal videos! But animal videos are cute! So cute! And the dubbing here is really good!

violin results

Ahahaha I finally dropped by my violin teacher's to get my Grade 8 results slip & cert.

The component that I felt most confident for was the horriblest! Damn I was sure I played that piece ok.

And my AURAL actually had close to full marks. My AURAL! When about 2 weeks before my exam, I couldn't identify the chords, couldn't sing the lower part, couldn't identify the watchacallit (see, I don't even know what I was supposed to identify). I can't believe my aural saved my ass lolz. I can't believe I actually got all my answers correct! That's some pretty amazing guesswork I did heh.

As expected, I flunked my scales. On the morning of my exam I was desperately trying to memorize the fingering for the scales. The surprise is that I actually got 10 marks for the scales. What are the 10 marks for? Failing to play in tune? Not smoothly playing a single scale? Apologising profusely throughout that component? Strictly speaking I should have gotten a big fat zero. Seriously, I didn't get a single scale right. It was all horrible. *kowtows to examiner for boundless mercy*

Anywayz. I'm just glad I survived the exam. More than glad. Amazed that I survived the exam. But in a glad way. Hehehe. And of course now the next stage of learning commences!

recoiling in disgust

This was my last comment in a discussion I had:

" Wow. I must say you left me speechless for a moment. I'm... flabbergasted.

On one hand, you say that you reject moral relativism, and would fight to uphold your moral values. On the other hand, you say that in this world justice is relative and some injustice is ok, provided conservatives are not at the receiving end of the injustice.

On one hand, you say that you will, given the chance, deprive certain individuals of equality and freedom. On the other hand, you say that this is tolerance and love.

On one hand you say you don't know enough to tell others what to do. On the other hand you say you know enough about the reality of this world to tell others what to do.

To be frank, the views you've espoused seem to me wrong on so many levels... they're contradictory, and more importantly, repulsive. So repulsive that I really don't understand how you can believe that your views are morally right. If our conscience is God-given, mine is obviously telling me something very different from yours.

Gosh. It's difficult for me to even articulate how I feel about your views... Your answers seem cold and depressing and harsh and evil to me, and I'm even quite afraid of you. I guess different eyes really see different worlds huh.

Nevertheless, thank you for your answers, and unless you have any response to my comments, I don't think I feel like flooding you with questions anymore."

Now what the topic of the debate was isn't important (suffice to say it was triggered by the Great Homosexuality Debate). I just need to fully express my feelings about this! Because even though my language was far from diplomatic in my comment, it is actually very restrained, as compared to how I really feel.

If I met this person, I would really recoil in horror from him. I don't want to have to shake his hand, don't want to touch him, don't want to have to breathe the same air as him. Because what he says is SO abhorrent to me, and because of his attitude. The way he carelessly flings these repulsive statements and still maintains his air of self-righteousness. In fact, a large part of the reason why I don't want to talk to him anymore is because I feel polluted even talking to him. I'm just so disgusted and repulsed and horrified and frightened of him that at the moment, it'd be best if I never spoke to him or heard about him again. I feel as if I've been wading in slime. I feel as if a cockroach or a snail just slithered over my legs. I just don't want to deal with something as abhorrent and incomprehensible as him ever again.

My emotional reaction to him is almost visceral. In the days of my cavemen ancestors did they have to deal with an opponent like him and therefore passed down genes that make me react to him the way I would react to someone licking up a big piece of snot? Major eewness. But I've got the feeling that somewhere down the road we'll rehash this argument again. Sigh. Eew. I've got the creepy crawlies. :(

Ah yes, I know how to describe it. It's as if I set out to hunt a wolf, something savage and dangerous, but natural and understandable and not evil. Then I discover I'm actually hunting a vampire, horrifying, disgusting, incomprehensible, evil. And I'm so scared I don't care about hunting it already. I just want to escape and hope it doesn't find me and forget vampires even exist and never have anything to do with it ever again. Yes. That describes it perfectly *cries*

Two crybabies

*dieded laughing again*

frustration

One reason why I can never have pretty nails is cos when you have pretty nails, you have longish nails, and longish nails don't allow you to pummel the keys on your piano with your full strength when you're feeling frustrated. In fact, not being able to bludgeon those keys to death with your full strength only makes you more frustrated, as the piece you're playing, already disfigured by lack of skill and disregard for art (due to frustration), becomes thoroughly unsatisfying.

And the reason I'm grouching here? Because there's no one at home for me to scratch their eyes out to express my deep, deep frustration.

Urgh.

derailed!

Haiyo, I keep forgetting to do what I want. What's the point of being unemployed if you don't do what you want to do?

So I'll hurry and finish up all this irritating work and studying, and then I can finally get down to: that damn philo thing that I started and mean to finish and my violin and various little other stuff that shall remain undisclosed for now.

Gizmo Flushes

*dies laughing*

Ok, that's a lot of cat videos huh. Sorry, I just need a kitten. A blur, stupid kitten. Right now.

cat plays sitar - day and night

This cat has the most grief-stricken/far distance gaze I've ever seen. It's totally like, I can still see my faithful men, spilling sweat and blood against the invaders. I can still hear the sounds of battle in the stillness of the night. I can still feel the rush of ten thousand men flying to their doom. Oh my homeland! My fatherland! Oh the music of the sitar recalls to me your rolling hills and sweet winds. Oh the music of the sitar recalls to me the fateful battle that ended it all. Oh my homeland, when shall I feel your warm soils beneath my paws again?*

*my interpretation of its gaze

Am I that boring?

I was waiting alone at the bus-stop when somebody's dog stuck its nose out from under the fence and rested its nose on the ledge. I got the feeling it had nothing to do on a weekday afternoon and decided to just watch the world pass by.

Such a sweet-faced little doggy, I thought to myself. I clucked at it and then I pretended to throw stuff at it. It looked at me wordlessly. I made my ezlink card disappear into my pocket and held my hands out in mock amazement. I hid behind the pillar and jumped out again. It turned away in disgust and disappeared from sight.

And then I thought to myself, damn, I didn't even get a picture of it. So I cooed and clucked, but it refused to appear. In the end I resorted to playing my handphone ringtone at maximum volume over and over, and sure enough, it came over to investigate and I got its picture. And after a while even my handphone failed to keep its interest and it disappeared yet again.

I think we, the two of us, we had a real connection. Yeah.

Munchkin

Omg tell me why it's so cute. Tell me! It's the not understanding that kills me...

la mode

Was taking the bus back from driving school (yes, update for all of you, I drove a car for the first time today and almost hit the accelerator instead of the brakes, but slammed my left foot down on the brakes just in time, which, the instructor promptly informed me, is an immediate fail during the test), when I overheard a young couple's conversation. (Don't you love long sentences?)

The doe-eyed nymphette was gaily planning her boyfriend's wardrobe for prom, polytechnic, and presumably, the rest of his life.

He has to wear blue (because she's wearing blue), with vertical stripes, and a white jacket (because everyone else will be wearing black), and white and silver Nike shoes (because she might be wearing silver shoes), and he can reuse those Nike shoes for polytechnic (he's not going to wear havanas is he?), and he has to wear all that - no arguments! - because she's been planning this for a long time, and hell, they're going to look better than all the other couples.

Dude, you're gonna look ridiculous.

This was especially funny for me in light of several recent conversations I've had.

* If above-mentioned girl or guy ever read this, oops, but you're a cute couple.

sigh...

major awwwness

Someone made and someone accepted a marriage proposal on Cuteoverload!!!!! That is just major awwwness!!!!!!!!!!!

And of course since Cuteoverload seems to be estrogen-dominated, readers were all excited and screamy haha. Me included, but I'm a lurker, so.

The marriage proposal's cute, but the screamy readers who (I gather) followed the story for hours were also cute lol. It's funny how something like that immediately tickles out a sense of community, and even a sense of communal history (i.e. 1st marriage proposal on the site).

random little bits

Lalala... bought a Ryuichi Sakomoto for 22 bucks yesterday at That CD Shop (as opposed to the average price of 60-70 bucks at HMV). My diversification seems to be coming along quite smoothly. Solo piano music, and most of it sounds as if it could be played at the ending of arty movies. Very easy to listen to, somewhat pleasant, but avoids the saccharine sweetness of many contemporary piano pieces.

Also re-bought my French Cafe de Flore CD after my friend lost it (ahem). I only liked and remembered one song in it, and was surprised after my first listen in 3? years that the rest was very sex-laden and bossa nova-ish/lounge-ish. Oh well, all in the name of diversification. Again, not hard to listen to, contains a Brigitte Bardot track, and my favourite track remains one of my favourite French songs.

Have been studying French... sigh. J'ai achete un Ryuichi Sakomoto pour vingt-deux dollars a Ce Magasin de CD hier (le moyen prix a HMV est 60-70 dollars). Ma diversification vient le long tout a fait bien. I got this last sentence from babel fish. *sigh* Eeks I give up. That's my french for today. Pls correct if you spot any mistakes.

Had re-heated brownie & scones (with marmalade) for breakfast at 2pm haha... With English Breakfast tea! Brownies weren't too bad, scones didn't live up to their venerable lineage.

Currently summarizing points on global economic institutions for tuition later. :(

My experiment with art

Ah, 5am in the morning and sick of work. That's precisely when most of us turn into artists. Behold my self-portraits! Sketched in pencil and then photographed using my lousy hp camera!

Those of you who have been through the horrendous mandatory art classes in secondary school with me might doubt my ability to draw anything apart from the evil eye and might therefore be skeptical of my ability to draw as complex and wonderful a being as myself. You'd be right. I er... traced these haha. (Gimme a break k.)

Hmmm there's nothing quite like drawing yourself as the first step in the journey of self-discovery. I never realised I look so Asian, or that my eyes are not as circular as my earlier self-portraits would have me believe. I berate my six year old self for such horrible delusions. Note to self: my eyes do not resemble cookies.

I'll have you know I drew some of you too, but decided I'd better not risk death threats by posting any of your pics.

And if anyone thinks I look better in these drawings than in real life, I say to you, [censored].

Oh yeah, and why I can suddenly post pictures? Turns out once I succumbed to the incessant requests of those poppy-uppy things to update some random thing or other, problem solved. Lesson learnt: don't be a stubborn ass and just click 'I agree'.

I love Mayday!

I really do! I love them so much!

As my darling LSB once charmingly put it, my voice is nothing special. So whenever I want to express myself I turn to the violin. And listening to Mayday songs always makes me want to play the violin. Such a dilemma! To play the violin I have to turn off the song; to continue listening, I can't play the violin! I haven't been able to resolve this yet! How?!?!?! How?!?!?! *panic*

My WTF Moment

Behold the glory of Celine Dion, the worst actress in what is possibly the worst MV in the world:



Yes, my WTF moment. Is this MV supposed to be comedy? Is it? If it is, it's really very painful comedy. And why does her face keep scrunching up like that? Or is it just the natural alignment of her features?

Ok ok, just to be fair, she does have a fantastic voice. Melodrama aside. Very funny melodrama aside. Very funny and corny melodrama aside. *chortles*

conceptual terrorism

This is just too funny.

Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O
CHICAGO—In what is being called the first conceptual terrorist attack on American soil, the landmark Sears Tower was encased in 18 million tons of strawberry gelatin early Monday morning, leaving thousands shocked, angry, and seriously confused.

"Your outdated ideas of what terrorism is have been challenged," an unidentified, disembodied voice announces following the video's first 45 minutes of random imagery set to minimalist techno music. "It is not your simple bourgeois notion of destructive explosions and weaponized biochemical agents. True terror lies in the futility of human existence."

Oh just kill me before I die of laughter.

Almost quarter-century

I debated whether to type this, then I was like, heck.

Somehow against all my expectations I'm what you could call blissfully happy. There's really nothing I lack. Well, I'm not high on money supply now, but then I never needed much money.

Sometimes I feel slightly bewildered because it's been so easy. I think I wandered through 24yrs wondering when exactly it is that life is supposed to become difficult, and somehow it just hasn't. I know I've been crazy/weary/sad/furious/a total wreck at some points, but for some reason it just hasn't been too bad. The usual suspects didn't get me. Not much trouble in the BGR area, no problem with family, all clear in academics, only a few disastrous exceptions to the relative calm in friendships, and career hasn't started so let's not count that in for now. In fact it's been so effortless that I often worry whether, untried as I am, I'll be able to manage when the going really starts to get tough. Ya, spoilt girl whining about getting everything too easily heh. I simply can't believe that it's been this easy so far. I hear your hate.

I'm so content that it feels like a golden period of my life, and I'm half-afraid to take the next step for fear of shattering what I have now. All my life I've felt lucky. The lot of you have told me so yourselves. I simply seem to scrape through just about everything. And I keep holding my breath waiting for my luck to run out. As of now I'm hoping my words don't jinx everything. *crosses fingers*

Anywayz, I just wanted to record that when I turned 24 I was really blissfully content. Somewhere down the line I kinda hope to remember how happy I was when I was 24.

So happy belated 24th!

You all love me. I know you do ;)

Fiction and Music

I fell into a book instead of sleep, and woke from the book a few minutes ago to realise that I'd made the wrong trip, and had landed in the wrong hour, the last discovery particularly alarming because I'd expected it to be 3am instead of 6.

(P.S. I'm particularly proud of above sentence. Pls convey your admiration to me at suitable time.)

I love Robin Hobb. Dammit. I'll explain my undying love some other post. When I can fully convey the depths of my affection without sleep deprivation interfering. Damn you, sleep deprivation.

It's been so long since I last indulged in fiction, and I'd forgotten how thoroughly oblivious to everything I can be once I start reading. I remember once when I was in primary school, my mum snatched an offending book out of my hands and threw it at the wall because I'd been ignoring the world for days due to my obsessive reading.

I say I 'indulge' in fiction not because non-fiction is a chore, but because fiction (or at least the non-arty/non-literature type of fiction + the popular non-fiction - damn it's so hard to define) is much easier to be entertained by than what we'd call serious non-fiction and 'literature'. It's so easy to sink into popular fiction because you don't have to work to appreciate it. Not saying that it's therefore inferior, no, I fully admire the authors I fully admire. It's just different, that's all. It's somewhat like the difference between non-popular classical music and popular music, including popular classical.

Damn these categorizations are hard.

I think that it takes effort to appreciate classical music - less effort as you become more familiar with it, but for someone the equivalent of a musical tabula rasa, pop music is obviously much easier. And songs (ie. music + lyrics) are much easier to understand than instrumental pieces because most people are more accustomed to communicating with words.

Perhaps there're some to whom appreciation of and communication through music comes much more easily. Not to me lar. I'm not very talented musically. Yes, I know I have 2 Grade 8s, but anyone with enough money and determination, or rather, enough inertia to continue learning once they've started could achieve the same. I'm not very good at music. I know my violin teacher is of the opinion (probably) that I can be taught, but it doesn't come naturally to me. Playing and appreciating music is much easier for me than listening to music. There're also times when I think I'm better at interpreting a score than realizing that interpretation, perhaps partly because I'm too lazy to practise. But actually, very often I view piano/violin practice in much the same way as some other person might view aerobics. I give my fingers something exciting and slightly strenuous to do while my thoughts are engaged elsewhere. The practices in which I view my playing as music are few and far between and very much treasured. But music is another indulgence of mine. Learning and playing music (even badly) makes me happy, and I pursue music purely for enjoyment's sake.

Ok where is this post going?

Oh, and people who read and/or collect Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series out of genuine appreciation or simply because you collected 4 books and it's getting a little draggy but hey, you figure you might as well collect the next because the series can't go on for many more volumes, and who would have guessed it's still not finished by the 11th installment: (ok mouthful) the author upped and died. And I know it's callous to care more about getting to the end of the damn series instead of the passing of a... well, very persistent and wordy person, but dammit I started reading the damn thing 10 years ago fully expecting to see an ending, which it now seems I'll be cheated of.

Yeah. I think I'm rambling. And contradicting myself. Should end here.

Somewhere over the rainbow

If you want happy stories you shouldn't study history.

The stats are tossed out so casually. 20 million dead here, another 100 thousand there, yet another 250 thousand in that, then another 28 million. I can't even visualize how many people 100 thousand is! And it doesn't end there.

I wonder how long it would take if you had to write a biography for each casualty of every 20th century war.

Doesn't anyone think these figures are staggering anymore?

I find it difficult to read history books on war because it's almost impossible for me to just read through without being floored by what I see as so many immense tragedies, tragedies beyond imagining, shoved into the confines of a tiny matter-of-fact book.

How can people just browse through these books without registering a thing?

LENA HORNE Sings Moon River

Argh that was - urgh I hate to say it - beautiful.

I need yet another CD. Sigh. My life is a series of unfulfilled CD wishes.

Playlist blues

If I am what I listen to, then I shouldn't be sitting in t-shirt and shorts in the sweltering heat of 11pm Singapore. I should probably be dressed in slinky cocktail dress, smudged mascara, tossing a few in my dimmed New York penthouse in the middle of the night, utterly destitute and desperate, thinking of my (various) failed relationship(s).

Here are a few high (hehehe) points in my playlist:

- Sorry seems to be the hardest word, Joe Cocker. You might think you don't know this song, but it goes What do I have to do to make you love me / What do I have to do to make you care... Yeah, you see.

- Till it happens to you, Corrine Bailey Rae. I used to hear those violins playing high strings like a symphony / Now they're gone away / Nobody wants to know the truth / Till their hearts' broken...

- How can you mend a broken heart, Michael Buble. How can you mend this broken man? / How can a loser ever win?

- The party's over, Nat King Cole. The party's over / It's time to call it a day / Now you must wake up, all dreams must end.

- Only the lonely, Frank Sinatra. And never let love go / For when it's gone you'll know the loneliness / The heartbreak only the lonely know.

Sigh. I want a penthouse.

miserableness

I hate being sick :( When I'm miserable I don't stop whining. I think I make a very lousy patient.

Channelling the blonde

Ya, sometimes I'm kinda bimbotic?

Me: I really wanna buy eye shadow... cos they're colourful and stuff.

Friend commented on the bimbotic-ness of above statement.

Same friend asked: So you really rejected XX company's job offer?
Me: Well... I said no, but actually I meant yes, and they should know that and contact me when I'm feeling better.

Hmmm maybe I was just channelling the female there.

I get a tremendous kick out of Cute Overload as well. I visit the damn site every single day. Strangely enough, I found a Soviet posters site today and I seem to get as much of a kick out of a poster featuring Castro & Khruschev as I would from smooshy puppies and kittens.

I also have an automatic perfume-shopping response that kicks in whenever I enter a departmental store. Hmmm.

Sometimes I think that the only way I know I'm not a bimbo is cos there's an inner voice, this really true, deep and intense voice that wails in despair everytime I act bimbotic. Like, really sadly it cries. Like the rain. Yeah. I like poetry.

Also, check out the huge controversy raging in the UK over the (in)appropriateness of kissing. I'm Asian, and that means there's only a small, select group that I kiss - my soft toys, my LSB, sometimes my mum if it's a big occasion, my soft toys. But I've totally been in that situation, and have been supremely uncomfortable. Kiss or handshake? How many kisses? How do I not cringe away from slurpy kisses? When will this hug end? How do I not get the cooties? Yeah, like, totally.

Men...

http://perfumesmellinthings.blogspot.com/2007/02/from-mouths-of-husbands-true-thoughts.html

I never really believed all the guy stereotypes you hear. But why does the evidence accumulate like this? Are all men truly like LSB? Is there no hope left?

Scariness...

I've been watching scary anime... *cries* I really shouldn't have, but it's all cos I was bored doing LSB's stupid interview! *points accusing finger at LSB*

And then the 1st few episodes were full of suspense and mystery, I just couldn't stop watching because I Had To Find The Answers!

But the whole thing was just so full of gore! Like people being dismembered, disembowelled while conscious, stabbed, beaten to death etc! And people acting weirdly for no reason! And disappearing! And coming back to life after being murdered and buried!

I got so scared I kept MSNing people, who Promptly Ignored Me And Laughed At Me. Hmmpf! Well, if you ever get stalked by a cleaver-wielding psycho, don't come to me. I'll just ignore you and laugh at you too. Same goes for other psycho-stalker variations, eg. cannibalistic stalkers, gun-wielding, torture device-wielding, sinisterly-laughing, seemingly omniscient or omnipotent psychos. Oh, and I'm ignoring you even if all you have is a creepy feeling that you're being watched. Hah! Serves you all right!

I've also been watching animes with interesting formats. There's one where the episodes are broadcast in non-chronological order, so you get to see the 'last' episode somewhere in the middle, and the last episode broadcast is something that happens in the middle of the story. But somehow it all makes sense.

Current scary anime has main characters killing each other and dying violently and mysteriously, then coming back again in a slightly different world and dying/killing in different ways. Though again if you sit through it long enough, you get more clues in each 'arc' and then you finally understand the whole darn thing. It is tremendously satisfying to finally(!!!!!) understand what the hell just happened in the last 20+ episodes that you watched.

Argh last night was so scary, I scrambled into bed and under the covers, but struggled against sleep because... who knows what might happen if I fall asleep........ *sobz* I actually stayed awake through 6-7 tracks on my mp3. (yes, I was playing music to soothe my nerves, but I also had a long debate myself as to whether it was better to stop the music so I wouldn't miss any strange noises in the dark...)

But it's better tonight, because I finally understand what happened! yayness! It's still gross and sick, but I'm no longer (as) afraid!

Frank Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning

more dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was in a rowboat at this huge lake that looked like a swimming pool. And the water was swimming pool-clear, so I could see a HUGE crocodile - it was bigger than my boat! - lying at the bottom of the lake! And there were other crocodiles in the lake as well! And dolphins too! And the dolphins kept butting my boat wanting to play, but I was terrified I'd capsize, and I was terrified the huge crocodile at the bottom of the lake would notice and swim towards me...

Anywayz.

That dream reminded me of another dream I had some time ago. There was a huge lake in the hills behind my house, and there were people playing in it. I waded in with my clothes on, and when it got too deep I swam. And I went as far as I could till finally I'd left the noise behind. Floating in the water, I could only hear the wind and the leaves on the bank, and there was only water around me, and the sun was setting. It was so peaceful and calm, it was like an almost-nirvana experience. And it felt so cathartic to wade out to the middle of a lake in my clothes on a whim. I've never experienced anything like that in real life, so I'd dearly like to go back to that lake again.

Sighz.

Of course after that I realised that it was getting dark and most of the people had left the lake. So I waded out of the lake and made my miserable, drenched way home through the hills. Then I discovered that the paths were covered with little red, green and yellow snakes, and it was impossible to avoid stepping on them. So I squashed millions of those snakes and hoped to hell none of them would bite me. Urgh.

Argh! I just remembered another dream I had last night! A family went on a vacation to hell (literally), which looked like this huge dim underground city with escalators everywhere and (!!!!) an MRT system. Then they were tricked into eating something (a la Persephone) and couldn't leave the place. And there was stuff about time travel to undo the unfortunate ingestion, but no matter how they tried, they could manage to save the parents, but couldn't prevent the kid from eating the food! And it was really difficult, because they couldn't just go back and tell themselves not to eat (you can't meet your past self whilst time-travelling else the universe would collapse), so they had to try to prevent food from reaching their past selves without letting their past selves see them!

Maybe I should write a book based on these huh.

I have strange dreams.

My dreams last night included:

1. A blindfolded archery performance where the objective was not to shoot the apple on a person's head but to shoot the person's forehead. And amazingly enough, after each successful shot, the 'victim' pulls the arrow out of his dented forehead and smiles.

2. A big shopping mall which houses a night market with thousands of exotic small fish.

3. A museum set up by a vengeful actress to detail her turbulent marriage to some guy, and the museum was stocked with arcade games.

4. A small child who survived an explosion, but as a result, could only use 1 of her 5 senses at any one time.

5. A lizard that had been treated as a pet for so long, it started looking like a dog. It grew to poodle-size, grew fur, and had a tendency to bark, beg and wag its tail. However, it retained its lizard tail, albeit covered with fur, and we were always afraid its tail would drop off when it wagged too hard. It also liked to sit on people's shoulders.

The last nightmare I had was about vampires. They were attacking us, and you couldn't kill them except by thoroughly burning them. I was attacked in my house, and resorted to burning the vampires on the stove. It was so nightmarish. :( Pushing the screaming vampires on the stove and making sure they continued burning... And the vampire bodies waiting to be burnt kept stacking up beside me, and they kept waking up and trying to eat me. :(

We're all Anne Franks now.

I was reading the latest entry on riverbendblog.

How is it that a border no one can see or touch stands between car bombs, militias, death squads and… peace, safety? It’s difficult to believe- even now.

I sit here and write this and wonder why I can’t hear the explosions.I wonder at how the windows don’t rattle as the planes pass overhead. I’m trying to rid myself of the expectation that armed people in black will break through the door and into our lives. I’m trying to let my eyes grow accustomed to streets free of road blocks, hummers and pictures of Muqtada and the rest…

How is it that all of this lies a short car ride away?

While reading I couldn't shake the sense that I've read something like this before, a long time ago. Not the same, but similar. Then I realised.

another round!

LSB's been nice to me lately, so people, think nice thoughts of him!

Also, something's wrong. Dear world, I'm ungainfully unemployed. This means I'm supposed to be wondering what I'm supposed to do all day and tearing my hair out with boredom, thus leading to premature balding, thus prompting a job search to end my follicular frustrations. Do you follow my impeccable logic, world? However, something's wrong. I'm busy. And tired. So tired that I'm conking out on the sofa at 8pm (!!!!!) and waking at midnight. To work. To work!!!!! This is unheard of. And wrong. What's the point of being unemployed nowadays? What happened to my rights as an ungainfully unemployed person? I shall not let this rest, mark my words.

But dear world, if you really can't manage a proper unemployed life for me, I'll settle for an evil smooshy-faced kitten instead.

Let the people write their laws! : The democratic potential of the Internet

NZ police let public write laws
New Zealanders have been given the chance to write their own laws, with a new online tool launched by police.

virtual freedom

Burma cyber-dissidents crack censorship
Burma's bloggers are using the internet to beat censorship, and tell the world what is happening under the military junta's veil of secrecy.

Then again,

Burmese riot police attack monks

The latest is, I think, that tear gas has been used.

Well, what did you expect? It was sooner or later.

The hype a while ago was all about the ASEAN Charter and the human rights component, now it's all about monks in Burma. Either a watered down ASEAN Charter or (against all odds) a strong Charter that is largely ignored. The world's a sad place. :(

blah-ness

I took sleepy meds and waiting for them to kick in.

I found my old appointment card! From 1984! When I was a baby!

It was issued by the Royal Aberdeen Children's Hospital!

My doctor was called Dr White!

I had an appointment at 11.15am, 14 Mar 1984!

Hmmm I wonder what the appointment was for...

Funny thing is the card reads "Bring this card with you on every visit. NEVER destroy it."

Hehehe I wonder what they'd think if they knew my parents took those instructions literally. I wonder what they'd think if I flew over and made an appointment and brought that card along. I wonder who Dr White was, whether he's still there, and what my appointment was for. Maybe the hospital isn't even there anymore.

It's so exciting! I don't remember anything of my time in the UK, and every little relic of that long-ago life is kind of like the archaelogical find of the century to me.

When I first discovered Google Earth the first thing I did was to find the house my parents lived in when I was born.

.... ok medicine just kicked in.

Coming out

The 'coming out' letter of gay RI teacher Otto Fong is probably the most touching, courageous piece of writing I've read in a long time. One can only imagine the pressure he must feel now.

And in a little aside, by now it must be manifestly clear to all that making someone delete his blog post doesn't mean the article disappears. It's the Internet. Du-uh.

Sigh I'm unexpectedly free because stupid LSB cancelled on me.

China's Internet

Chinese web filtering 'erratic'

China's firewall that tries to sanitise web browsing is much more porous than previously thought, says a study.

The firewall was least effective when lots of Chinese web users were online.

It's already known that self-censorship, not Chinese censorship technology, is what plays the major role in curtailing controversial discussions online. And if technology is least effective in its censorship when more people are using the Net, then what happens when increasing numbers start going online?

In the 15 Jun 2006 edition of the Economist, an article talks about how PRC propaganda has become less effective because of the Internet. I remember an example of this, something about people participating in an online poll to evaluate a government official's remarks.

I also remember posting a link on this blog about John Howard's Youtube video asking people to refrain from protesting at the recent APEC summit. Which is sort of funny? I don't know, it's just strange to think of a PM posting his own Youtube video alongside bored university students posting videos of themselves doing stupid things. (maybe it's a case of a paranoid PM posting a video of himself doing a stupid thing) It's almost irreverent, somehow. Or maybe I'm just stuck in the old Singaporean mindset of politics as a serious and dignified profession. Hmmm I need to immerse myself in talkingcock a bit more. Or maybe I need to focus on the image of the Taiwanese parliament. Or Bush Jr's face.

Wasn't I talking about China? I need to stop rambling. *yawnz*

Descartes and Spinoza

This is all LSB's fault. *blames boyfriend indiscriminately*

I've been reading:

- Roger Scruton's A Short History of Modern Philosophy: From Descartes to Wittgenstein, 2nd ed.
- Joan A. Price's Philosophy Through the Ages

I'm not a philo person, even though I must say I'm very attracted to philo books, largely because they tend to be on the extreme end of incomprehensible. I've studied some philosophers before, but largely in context of political thought or political ideology, hardly conducive to the mind-numbing finger-gnawing zen state I wish to achieve. My knowledge of philosophy is very very rudimentary.

So I've decided to study them philosophers a bit more systematically, starting with Descartes. I'm giving the ancients a wide berth because (and this is my own theory) they're so distant and difficult to relate to.

I've made it through Descartes & Spinoza, and for the sake of consolidation, have (largely) paraphrased what I have learnt below. I don't know if I've understood everything perfectly, and would appreciate (if any of you make it through) any corrections.

Ok *deep breath* let's do this before I get lazy.

Descartes

The starting point: take nothing for granted.

- What if an evil genius had deceived me into thinking what I think?
- If such a genius exists, then I don't know if this world is real, or if I am myself real.
- How can I know the truth? I cannot trust my senses. I can only trust the 'natural light of reason'.

'Cogito ergo sum.'

- What can I ascertain is necessarily true?
- To start with, the moment I think 'I exist', I must necessarily exist. The thought 'I exist' is self-verifying because I have to exist in order to think that thought.
- It is also necessarily true that I think. For even if I think that I don't think, in that very act of doubt, I am thinking.

Distinction between Body and Soul (Mind)

- I know that I exist as a thing that thinks.
- I find that every other thing about me can change except my ability to think. I cannot conceive of myself as not thinking, but my body can grow old, or I can lose a leg or my sight.
- Therefore my body is not of essence to me; my mind is my essence.
- Therefore I could conceivably exist (as a 'soul') after my body has ceased.
- Therefore, I am a substance which involves thinking; I endure through change. But my physical form is an attribute which can change without altering the substance.

God: The Cosmological Argument

- Something cannot come from nothing; more cannot come from less. Ideas are effects and have causes.
- I do not have perfect knowledge because I doubt. Therefore I am imperfect. Yet I have the idea of perfection (God).
- Where did my idea of perfection come from? My idea of perfection is an effect of something. There must be a cause of this idea of perfection.
- The idea of perfection cannot come from my imperfect self. The idea of perfection must come from perfection, i.e. God.

The Honest God

- Since God is perfect, and since intuitively, we know that deceit stems from imperfection, we know that God cannot be the evil genius we hypothesized earlier.
- Since God does not seek to deceive us, this means that if we use our reason and our senses (given to us by God for that very purpose) to their greatest ability, we will perceive the truth.

Objections to Descartes

The Existence of Error

- If God does not deceive, why does he allow the possibility of error?
- Descartes' answer: Error occurs when we choose to assent to an idea that is not the perceived through the 'natural light of reason'.
- Scruton: "Human error is therefore the necesary consequence of human freedom, and this seeming evil is part of a real and greater good." (33)

The Evil Genius Objection (The Cartesian circle)

- If the perfect God exists, then we know that our God-given faculty of reason will lead us to the truth. However, we only 'know' that the perfect God exists through our faculty of reason. Our conclusion that God exists depends on the reliability of our reason, which depends on God existing in the first place.

The Mind-Body Problem

- If the mind and body are separate, how do they interact with each other? How is it that the mind and body are joined in one person? ie. what is to prevent mind and body from going their own separate ways?
- Descartes: the soul is joined to the whole body through the pineal gland.
- But how can the non-physical mind be joined to the body through a physical gland? Doesn't this return to the question of how the mind can be connected to the physical body (or part of it)?

The First-Person Privilege

- Descartes assumes that while I cannot be sure of the world around me, I have a privileged knowledge of what I think and feel. My mind thinks exactly what it thinks it thinks. Is this necessarily true?

The Illusion of the Idea of Perfection

- Do we truly have an idea of perfection? Or do we merely have an idea of the 'extremely good' or 'extremely desirable'? What does perfection mean?

Spinoza

Substance

- Spinoza was a descendant of Descartes (who was in turn a descendant of Aristotle).
- Recall Descartes' arguments about 'substance'
- Spinoza argued that a substance is entirely self-contained. It depends on nothing outside itself for its existence; it is not caused by anything, but is its own cause.
- Therefore, only God is a substance, for God is his own cause (causa sui).

God: Thought and Extension

- Spinoza argues that God is a substance with infinite attributes, and all God's attributes are infinite. Hence all attributes are attributes of God's. These include the attributes of 'extension' in space (matter) and thought.
- While God might have attributes besides extension and thought, because we are finite, we can only know these two attributes of God.
- Because both thought and extension are attributes of God, we can comprehend God through thought and extension.

God and Nature

- When we comprehend God through extension, we understand him as 'Nature'. When we comprehend God through thought, we know him as 'God'. Because both thought and extension each constitute the essence of God, each "present[s] to the intellect a full and adequate [clearly & distinctly true] idea of what God is." (Scruton, 51)
- God and Nature are the same.

Solving Descartes' Mind-Body Problem

- Since thought and extension are both essences of God, there is no difference between them.
- Our finite minds are part of God's infinite thought, and our finite bodies are part of God's infinite extension.
- Thus we are but expressions of God.
- Thus my mind is the same as my body.
- I perceive my mind and body to be different only because the modes of thought and extension present me with different pictures. When I use the mode of thought to understand myself, I perceive myself as 'mind'; when I use the mode of extension, I perceive myself as 'body'.
- Scruton's analogy: "When I look at a picture I see physical objects: patches of pigment smeared on a canvas. And I can describe these objects so thoroughly as to account for the entire picture. ... the other thing I see: a stag hunt passing before a country house. This too I could describe so thoroughly as to give a complete account of the picture. But the two accounts are incommensurable... I cannot describe the lead hound as frantically pursuing a patch of ochre." (53)

The Problem of Free Will

- Since both thought and matter stem from the divine substance (God), everything happens not by chance but by necessity.
- Thoughts must relate to each other in a series of logical, necessary steps. (eg. mathematical proofs)
- Matter too, must relate to each other in a necessary sequence. Events follow each other ina necessary sequence.
- The implication for humans is that, being mere expressions of God, we too are the effects and not causes, as are our actions and thoughts. Since only God is able to 'cause', we are not able to cause anything, and therefore it would seem that we have no free will.
- If there is no freedom to act or think differently, the idea of morality collapses. To judge someone as good or bad, one must believe that that person could have caused himself to act differently.

Spinoza's Freedom

- Spinoza argues that the distinction between free/unfree is not the same as that between caused/uncaused.
- To react in an emotional way is to react passively because we endure emotions. When I am passive I am therefore not free.
- Since the mode of thought and the mode of extension correspond to each other, for every adequate idea (thought), there is an ideatum (extension).
- Thus it makes sense that a person who is more physically active has more adequate ideas of his behaviour and the causes of his behaviour.
- A free person is one who masters his emotions (passivity) and has adequate ideas about the world. He understands the world better, and thus understands God better.
- The free person who masters his passions understands the world and thus grows to love it. Since the world is God, he also loves God, not in a passive emotional way, but in an intellectual way.
- Thus the way to happiness and freedom is through the refinement of the intellect and the mastery of emotions.

I definitely died while trying to get through Spinoza. Sighz.

productive day!

I managed to wake at 9am!

I practised both the piano and the violin! The violin especially, since I fully expect to have to retake my Grade 8 exam.

Completed all the admin stuff I wanted to complete!

Bought mooncakes for LSB's family!

Ascertained that the CD I want can only be found at HMV for the exorbitant price of SGD35!

Tortured myself and the apple of my eye and pearl on my palm for a full half hour!

Read secondary literature on Descartes and finally got down to a more systematic study of the history of mental acrobatics!

Researched the UN Secretary-General so as to better spoonfeed my tuition kid!

Managed to listen to Sibelius Violin Concerto D minor!

Planned my schedule for tomorrow!

Damn, you know, usually I only get one of these done each day.

蔡琴 不了情 新不了情 蔡琴不了情2007經典歌曲香港演唱會

You've gotta admit, the older singers have that something extra.

spoilt brat

Argh I'm acquiring expensive tastes.

I've fallen in love with a perfume that costs $148 for the smallest bottle (30ml). Sure, Sisley's Eau du Soir might make people sneeze, and everyone else seems to hate the scent, but I really really like it. I've no idea why. It's something about how the scent lingers on... sighz.

And gone are the days when I think spending more than 30 on shoes is splurging. I spent 65 on a pair of rubber slippers! 65! Rubber slippers! 65! Rubber slippers! I could repeat that endlessly and it still wouldn't make sense to me. 65 (!) and rubber slippers (!) just don't go together.

And I bought a pair of painful heels for 90! 90! 90!

Shoe shopping now takes place at departmental stores. And I was *this* close to buying flats for 80 bucks today.

Help me! Maybe I should just get married and live off my poor sad husband :(

police monitor figurine protest

Mwahahaha stole these links from LSB's blog.

Anime figurine protesters meet real police

「ODEX倒す！！」: The Making Of

Our drill will thrust through the heavens!

Then again, the figurine protesters are really scary and have superpowers and all, so maybe the police were just erring on the side of caution hehehe...

Bianca Ryan from America's Got Talent

Youtube

Howard posts YouTube Apec appeal
Australian Prime Minister John Howard has posted a video on YouTube appealing to people not to join violent protests during the Apec summit in Sydney.