Dissertation woes

A very uncharacteristic email that I sent off a few minutes ago:

Dear Prof,

I've just submitted my paper on ASEAN and international society, and I'm afraid it's not very pretty. I'm truly apologetic, largely because the preceding sentence is a gross understatement. Unfortunately, the entire dissertation project has also degenerated into similar ugliness. I am trying very hard to give some structure to my ideas, but I can't seem to get past the theoretical chapter. Would you be able to make it for consultation this Wed or Fri afternoon? Thank you.

Regards,
Elaine

That just about says it all.

I amaze myself

It's essay time again!

No matter how long I have to research and write, I always end up doing all the work in less than a day.

I'm freaking amazing I tell you.

This is 40% of my grade!

And I'm feeling complacent.

Because guess what, I've got 800+/4000 words at 12.45am the day the essay is due, and you know, that's kind of better than my usual 'holy shit it's 4am, I'd better start, but what am I to write about' situation.

So I'm doing all these mental calculations in my head, and I'm like, I've gotta be in school by 2pm tomorrow, so let's say I have till 1pm. Factor in 2hrs for stoning + the inevitable 'pls-wake-me-up-in-1hr-but-failing-that-just-give-me-3hrs-more' sleep, that gives me 6 hrs to write 3000 words.

Not bad at all dude. That's about 1/4 of a day.

Oops I forgot to count the 30mins for random incoherent blogging. Slightly less than 1/4 of a day.

Oh yeah, I haven't done any research, so I shall have to search for articles online. Minus another 2hrs.

WTH it's 40% of my grade! Why do I insist on screwing myself over like this? I need therapy.

WTH?

The ES does come close to Wendtian constructivism on one point: materialism vs idealism. Both are in-between positions here, the ES somewhat more materialist than all/most constructivists. But they differ on a whole complex of other questions (notably the view of language, rationality, analysts role, and IR theory/theories) and this brings the ES closer to classical realism and post-structuralism, than to constructivism.
- Ole Waever, 1999.

ARGH! Stop screwing with my mind! That was NOT what I thought the ES was! And how can you mention classical realism and post-structuralism in the same breath? How?!?! How could you? Now what am I supposed to do? Now I know nothing!

------ (edited)

Ok, now that I've calmed down somewhat.

It seems I always get stuck on the theory, esp. the definitions... largely because I still believe that half the argument is won by definitions and categorization. I never seem to get to the application of theory. Ok I admit, it's also partly because I prefer theory to application.

This was exactly what happened to my HT, which was supposed to be an application of theory, but ended up being a meaningless 10,000 word exposition on a minor theoretical point that I could have dealt with in 2 sentences. Oh the benefits of hindsight.

I have to stop reading these theory-related articles and actually get down to application. Soon. As soon as I've got this latest bit figured out.

Scatter-brained me

I was so tired yesterday (because the day before I didn't sleep), I came home and went straight to bed. Well... actually I was hell-bent on watching tv, something that I haven't done in peace for ages, and therefore ended up sleeping on the sofa instead. During essay period I seldom sleep in my own bed. :P

Yesterday I forgot to raise the question that's been festering within during a meeting that was meant to answer our questions, and I had to email my query instead.

Today I accidentally took a reference book out of the library and didn't discover till it was a few hours too late. Which means I'll have to go back 1st thing tomorrow morning.

Then I realised I'd forgotten to bring my music teacher's CDs.

And then I left my violin in the long-suffering bf's place.

Argh someone save me from myself.

Imagination

Sometimes I really get tired of the rigour of academic research and writing. I re-read a few pages of Lord of the Rings just now, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. I keep feeling as if I have been neglecting something, and perhaps I've been forced to concentrate so much on rationality and logic that I've neglected the other forms of 'thinking'.

It's so wonderful to be able to let loose and not gnaw away at consistency and methodological precision and unstated assumptions etc. Even humour/wit has become a strain. And listening to good music is strenuous these days too, cos good music tends to short-circuit my brain into a state of frenzied ecstacy. The great thing about LOTR is the colours and songs that you can immerse in, and there's an unapologetic, gentle beauty about the textures of the story that is so different from the stuff I usually have to read. And I keep using the word 'texture' when describing LOTR, because I don't know what other word to use. 140pgs and it feels better than a nap. That's saying something.

*waves fist angrily at Fate, Gravity, and Circumstance*

I cracked my toenail while rushing for class because I was so sleepy. (Actually, what really happened was I stubbed my toe, fell on both hands and knees in the middle of the most populated canteen in the university, and then stared blankly - while still on the floor - at the blood oozing out from under my toenail for about half a minute. Glamorous eh.) Now my entire toe hurts, and I'm paranoid about people stepping on my injured toe. Which was why I came *this* close to screaming at people to get away from me on the MRT today.

So I started my first class of 2007 with a bleeding toenail. I also started my first class realizing that I hadn't copied my readings for that class. Well, at least I didn't do too badly for the book review that I was angsting about.*gloat*

My silly ass of a sister decided to take the module that I might be tutoring (still in denial). Thank goodness I've been assured that there is No Way she'll end up in my class. I keep feeling that I'm more trouble than help to the Dept though. We shall see.

My violin teacher still maintains that I'm on the edge of a great height and a long way down, of failing my exam. Actually, who am I kidding. I'm already off the cliff and reaching terminal velocity. (I know, I know, I never say anything new about my violin lessons).

I *heart* Mayday! They're so smooshy!

Post-Christmas Nostalgia

Boxing Day early afternoon. It's still raining, and outside my balcony, the birds are flying low and crazily, like stunt pilots gone wild. I'm feeling lazy, and my violin teacher is pissed with me again.

It was a pretty quiet Christmas, largely because I wasn't where I expected to be, and because my family very smartly decided to repair our 2 PCs on Christmas (and repairs lasted till midnight). I gave the bf a choice between listening to me sing songs over the phone or proving once and for all that he really really really doesn't love me.

I spent the rest of the night after that remembering all the friends I did not have the ability to hold on to.

Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas.

Quote courtesy of Jean, who SMSed it to me in the morning, as I was waking up from hazy dreams of those who're no longer by my side.

Because I'm not as forward-looking as most of you think.

Holiday mood rant

I really really need a holiday. I need the type of holiday where everyone gets drunk and we're all too busy having fun to even think about work. Cos guess what? I'll have to bring work with me wherever I go... again. So I need the type of holiday that I usually avoid (usually I want to read).

I'm in the 2nd trimester now (cue pregnancy jokes), but really, it feels like it's been one whole, extra-long, upsized semester.

You working types will probably laugh at my lack of stamina. But I swear studying takes more out of you. (but who am I to say?)

I'm so tired. The past 2 assignments were literally started and completed on the day they were due. Looks like tomorrow's assignment will be the same. I'm so tired, I don't even care about the quality of my papers anymore. I've actually written things I knew were wrong (or rather, very dubious), but I put them in anyway. Anything to get rid of the assignment.

Perhaps part of the problem is I haven't been skipping class. Yes, I know, the sun's been rising from the west these days, or haven't you noticed? I feel compelled to go to class in a way I haven't felt since my primary school days. Not because I particularly enjoy the classes, but simply because.

I hate regular schedules with a vengeance. Even though I only go to school twice a week, I hate the thought of having no choice but to go to school on those 2 days. It starts out as a small irritant, a small loss of freedom, a small price paid. Then after a while, it starts getting on my nerves, and I start feeling really restricted. And school's so far away (by public transport), and it's been raining these days. But I go anyway.

Plus, as always, you don't see me anywhere without my readings. I'm starting to hate that these readings seem to have taken over my life. Even if I don't read them, I take them everywhere, and I keep planning my schedule around them (implementation is another matter). I'm starting to crave being able to take a minuscule/microscopic bag out with me... one that is less than A4, less than A5 even. Something that only has space for cash and lipstick and cell. In fact, I'm tempted to just leave my cell at home.

And no, there's no rest for the weary this holidays. Happy holidays to the happy people of the world anyway. *bitter*

I've been ultra-whiny these few days. Apologies to all, especially long-suffering bf.

Also, looks like I've to reluctantly turn down get-tipsy offer from J, cos my family's travelling early Sat morn. Thanks for the offer though. I'm really tempted, and if everything had been different... *sighs regretfully*

*whine*

Well, hopefully with that out of my system I can finally start writing this darn review.

Why I need a thesis supervisor with a sense of humour

Thesis Sup (referring to outline): So, what do you mean by 'ASEAN multilateralism'?

Me: Erm... well... I guess the ASEAN Way? Wait, what am I thinking. Erm... give me a minute. *closes eyes, opens eyes, but he hasn't disappeared yet* I guess I mean ASEAN attempts at multilateral diplomacy?

...

TS: What is this section supposed to accomplish?

Me: Hmmm. I think I thought that with this section, I could... *blah*

...

TS: Ok, so you can review this book for next Friday.

Me: Erm, the deadline for the book review is this Friday.

TS: The deadline is this Friday and you haven't even chosen your book?

Me: *laughs nervously* *bites tongue to stop self from telling him I also have an essay due tomorrow that I haven't started on*

(Yes, I know my classmates talked to you about the book review like, 3 weeks ago. Damn those civil servants.)

...

TS: What is your writing style? Are you the type who waits till the last minute to write or...

Me: *nods emphatically*

TS: I had a feeling you would say that.

Me: *kicks self for nodding too emphatically*

...

TS: It sounds exciting.

Me: *realizing that nothing is going to improve my image, sticks tongue out at him and tries to act cute*

In the end, I waltzed out of his office with a pink, furry halo of hard-earned bimboticness.

He saw the sheen of stark panic in my eyes, and verily, he was amused.

This is also the reason why I avoid meeting my supervisors until I've submitted my thesis. Just so they don't get scared off.

Too much drama

I figured that if I was going all the way to the airport, I might as well go there early so I could study there.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on me being me. I was so bored and sleepy, I locked myself in a toilet cubicle, just so I didn't have to act like a normal, functional adult.

If you haven't realised (which tends to be the case for people who don't lock themselves in toilet cubicles unless absolutely necessary), a toilet cubicle is a boring place unless you have pressing matters to attend to inside the cubicle. And being a product of modern society, my sole source of entertainment was my handphone. So I started taking pictures of myself in the cubicle (from the neck up only!). If anybody is interested, I've got a rather boring sound recording of people washing their hands.

Maybe I'll tell you about my encounters (all in the past week!) with hookers, sex maniacs, film-makers and civil servants some other time.

PS. If you think you know the author of this blog, let me assure you that you've got it all wrong. That girl you know? She would never consider locking herself in the toilet for 20 mins. Never. And the handphone antics? Not a chance. Just remember the next time you see her, She Didn't Write This. In fact, she spent those 20mins identifying her dissertation research question and she finished the 3 books she brought with her to the airport. Yeah, that's what she did.

Bad day

I've been an idiot :P Ah well, what's new?

Research is essentially a solitary enterprise. It's simply learning and knowing and thinking... all by yourself. Even if you discuss with someone else, or work in a team, you're all on your own. The thoughts are all yours, the work's all yours. Even if you get a research assistant, there's no escaping it. Writing is so individualistic, I can't see how any academic can survive without an invincible self-esteem. When it comes to academia, I have a huge inferiority complex. :P

The past few weeks have been so hectic, and I've been constantly surrounded by people, so it's difficult to get back into research mode. Usually I'm good with solitude. I like solitude. Solitude tastes like tea without sugar or milk. Tea without sugar and milk is my alone-drink. But solitude + research + out of town bf really takes some getting used to.

I'm not a sports person. Far from it. But as long as I'm not wearing heels and not carrying too much stuff, no one's ever been able to outwalk me. I walk when I can't get my thoughts straightened out (which is often the case these days). Unfortunately, walking doesn't straighten my thoughts out. Looks like walking is my substitute for thinking. Sometimes I miss having someone walk with me.

Argh I'm so worn out.

In the Mood for Music

Argh this isn't a time for one of my music moods to come along. I don't have the time.

Digging up all my old CDs, and listening to songs I haven't listened to for a long long time. I can't seem to concentrate on anything else when I'm in this mood. (besides blogging that is)

Listening to someone's playing for the 1st time is an important thing for me, largely because it's just important lar. Don't ask me why. :P

And I really don't have the time. Argh.

Oh, and I don't just need a bag. I need The Bag. The kind of bag Superman brings to the Sun when his arms are occupied with carrying Lois Lane and he's got no pockets to store his toiletries and the Empire State Building (all the better to swing around, my dear). The kind of bag that laughs at the thought of falling apart because it is Superman's Choice. The kind of bag that will never break before my shoulder does, and preferably the kind of bag that I can hang around my neck/waist/toe even after my shoulder breaks. Because I'm just so tired of having bags fall apart on me.

Incoherent thoughts

The weather sucks in Singapore.

The work piled up like crazy while I was away. Which sucks.

I'm sleepy. That sucks too.

I need to start working on that thesis! (and to stop sleeping! I'm not even jetlagged!)

I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships of all kinds.

I hate going for official dinners. I really REALLY hate it like crazy. But I don't seem to have a choice. Argh.

I wasted 65SGD today. Sighz.

I really can't think of anything coherent to say. Too tired.

back from taipei

Just got back from Taipei, which is a really lovely city. I'm in love with the people there haha... and the international delegates as well! *big muackz*

I guess I learnt a lot too. However, now's not the time to talk about that. Just finished settling some stuff, really braindead, and off to either get some sleep or play the piano.

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

tragedy of epic proportions

*panic*

My violin teacher has been mumbling, crone-like, throughout my classes, and all I can make out are ominous phrases like 'late again' 'going to fail' 'grade 8' 'needs practice' 'newt's tail'.

My thesis sup has very nicely allowed extended my deadline, but has glared at me in class when I resolutely refuse to contribute to the discussion (largely because I haven't read for the class). He has also reminded me that whatever the case, I must see him by the end of the year. Which means I get an extension of about... 1? 2? weeks. Not enough.

I'm trying to console myself for the failure of a test I haven't taken. I know I won't pass already.

My readings are piling up, and I'm going to miss 2 very important classes.

It looks like next year I'll be making another major commitment.

I need this trip to be over and done with.

*cry*

Violin teacher

Violin teacher: That candidate failed. And he played 10 times better than you.

Do you count that as having a way with words? Or just (brutal) honesty?

Argh I'm going to fail my violin exams!!!!!!!!!!!!! (& my classes, and my diss., and my DELF!)

Tentative songs for my wedding (that no one will recognize except J) (just indulge me. I'm female):

- That's All (Buble)
- East of the Sun (& West of the Moon) (Sinatra)
- Me & My Gal (Kelly & Garland)
- Mine (I've got the track, don't know the singers)
- The Way You Look Tonight (Sinatra)
- Come Fly with Me (Sinatra) --> for honeymoon!
- Moon River
- Quand On S'Aime (french duet by unknown singers on the CD someone hasn't returned to me after 2 yrs. *ahem*)
- Aren't you kind of glad we did (Garland duet)
- Let's Call the Whole Thing Off (Louis & Ella) --> if I'm feeling cheeky hehe
- Can This Be the End of the Rainbow --> to finish off

Hee that's all I can think of now. Unfortunately, I don't think I get to decide wedding tracks. Sighz.

And no one's supposed to use this list for their wedding!

These songs make me happy! They're smiley songs.

*slaps self out of bimbo mode* Back to work.

Missed opportunities

I'm in my "did I do the right thing" mode again.

What I chose to do for one year saved me a lot of money, opened a few doors and allowed me to do some of the things I've been meaning to do. Unfortunately, my choice also closed a lot of doors that, if someone had only bothered to tell me about earlier, I'd have jumped at the chance to enter. I guess it can't be helped, since these other doors didn't even exist when I made my choice.

Sighz.

Ah well, time to go practise that darn violin. Busy busy busy...

(btw, I'm using the new blogger. If it screws up and my entire blog is lost, I'll announce it on MSN.)

It's over!

The end of my misery and the beginning of my embarrassment. I've just submitted a really lousy paper that I'll probably have to present to a strange, hostile, condescending audience.

I decided to travel beyond my safe, familiar neighbourhood to explore the world. And of course beyond my safe, familiar neighbourhood, big bad wolves lurk. I think I just lost a limb or two.

*cries her way home*

I'll never take risks again!

(see NUS Graduate Employment Survey below. Now you know what my honest answer is.)

In a Rut (just my life in general)

My brain can't wrap itself round the idea of writing a paper that has nothing to do with politics... I find myself reading for a political angle even though That Is Not What I Want. Maybe I should give up the fight and just write something on politics.

And I keep thinking about the paper I submitted on Friday, largely because it's for the module that I lost 25% for during the exams, so I really need to do well for that essay. Unfortunately, procrastination being a hard habit to break, I submitted a really dubious paper. Sighz.

My poor darling honeymunchkins is not feeling well, so being the sweet, committed girlfriend I am, I went out with my girl friends today and bought a ridiculously expensive tin of safflower & orange flower cookies. Which I'm going to eat because my darling honeymunchkins shouldn't be eating expensive cookies right now. Get well soon, honeymunchkins! *sends smooches from afar*

Back from failing the exams!

A government for all its intelligence, is nothing if it lacks empathy.

I think that the reason why we don’t seem to have much of a heart, is because our current administration is, apart from the grassroots, highly divorced from the ground. The scholars are the best of the best, the brightest of the brightest; with degrees from Oxbridge or the Ivy Leagues, and who have near perfect GPAs and CCA records. But how many of our administrators can see things from the other side? Do we actually go and visit a 2 room flat infested with bed bugs and talk to the people living there? When we talk about a “world-class” transport system, do our reviewers actually get onto the buses during peak hours and experience for themselves what it is like to be all squished up with every single other person around? I even remember someone telling me, that one of the new P65 MPs had actually said that before he joined the grassroots, he didn’t know that developed countries still had poor people.

Yep, I'm done with my exams! The first went off the richter scale in terms of damage done, and today's paper, compared to the first, was not too bad. I solemnly swear I shall not misread the question and lose 25% of my grade ever again. I also solemnly swear I shall never again be unmotivated and lazy, or else I shall be forced to repeat this same oath.

On to the essays!