Hero

Let me just remind you how much I'm in love with violinist, Jascha Heifetz. (Yes, I tend to crush dead people.)

And I just realised who Heifetz reminds me of. Sherlock Holmes.

For those who know me, everything should be clear now.

For those who don't, Sherlock Holmes = Elaine's childhood hero.

The funny thing is, Holmes played the violin too! So watching Heifetz play (see this post) results in a strange mental conflation of 2 uber-cool and talented personalities! *excited* I keep expecting Heifetz to turn around to say something to Watson!

I should stop acting like a teenager.

Sherlock Holmes did drugs too, and he's probably the reason why till now, I'm still not violently opposed to a little experimentation. Though I should also say that I've never done drugs, and have never been involved in any illegal drug-related activities. This is Singapore people, I'm not that dumb. But they should get Sherlock Holmes off the bookshelves heh. All those impressionable kids.

Sherlock Holmes is also the reason why I always count the number of steps when walking up/down a flight of stairs. It's really become a habit. Sighz. I love Sherlock Holmes. *cry*

I'm still procrastinating the marking, largely because I feel so overwhelmed by the task. I've never seen so many exam scripts before!

horror

transcendental horror: kant avec lovecraftThe 'frightful position therein' that Lovecraft speaks of is the revelation of a psychic nightmare – or rather the nightmare that is the psyche. But this is not the end of the story. If it were merely a question of unearthing the dark matter that coalesces in dark pockets of the mind, we could turn almost anywhere for help: psychoanalysis, literature in general, comedy, the pub. But this is not just about us. In fact, it's not about us at all. The 'terrifying vistas of reality' all point in one direction: that we don't matter one jot. Between science and the Old Ones, in this universe and all of the others, the same indifferent blankness greets us again and again. Just get on with it and expire, humans!

LSB should be interested in this heh.

It also reminds me (though imperfectly) of Tennyson's In Memoriam.

STRONG Son of God, immortal Love,
Whom we, that have not seen thy face,
By faith, and faith alone, embrace,
Believing where we cannot prove;

Thine are these orbs of light and shade;
Thou madest Life in man and brute;
Thou madest Death; and lo, thy foot
Is on the skull which thou hast made.

Thou wilt not leave us in the dust:
Thou madest man, he knows not why,
He thinks he was not made to die;
And thou hast made him: thou art just.

Thou seemest human and divine,
The highest, holiest manhood, thou:
Our wills are ours, we know not how;
Our wills are ours, to make them thine.

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see;
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Right now horror for me is 230 exam scripts, and oh, what horror!

Random links

China aims to tame Internet and spread party lineBEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday launched a campaign to rid the country's sprawling Internet of "unhealthy" content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine, state television reported.

Seeing through walls
Have you considered that someone could be reading what's on your monitor from a few rooms away? It's unlikely, but possible, as work by Cambridge University computer security researcher Markus Kuhn shows.

For someone who's such a tech idiot I sure read a lot of technology news...

Surveillance

Has anyone noticed how people like to make funny faces/wave at security cameras? (Ok ok! I like to do that too!)

Sometimes it feels like a type of resistance/bravado. Even though we cannot control our being watched, we can attempt to take control through our knowledge of that surveillance, and through our belittling of that surveillance. Instead of reacting with fear and caution (we cannot do this and that because someone is watching), we react with light-hearted amusement/humour (hey there! you looking at me?). We even react with cordiality, as if to humanise the security camera. We act on the assumption that instead of a mechanical device, it is a person looking at us, and we act as if that person is a friend/friendly stranger. Instead of treating the security camera as part of a system of surveillance, we treat it (or at least the surveillance it represents and implements) as one person. Having no choice in our surveillance, we attempt to down-size the scary, systemic situation of surveillance into a more familiar and relaxed inter-personal interaction.

Btw, the above is also my call for help. Translated, it says: Please give me something to analyse other than international relations!

The Dead

It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.
- James Joyce

Travel

All of a sudden I feel like travelling. Partly because there was some stupid Korean show on tv that had a few scenes in Lucerne, partly because my dearest friend attempted to get me to go on a trip to Europe with her.

People keep trying to get me to travel with them lolz. Do I look as if I'm a good travelling companion? Haha... Unfortunately because I'm so cheapskate I can never muster the determination to part with my money. But it seems that when I finally decide I want to travel, I'm merciless with my expenditure.

The itinerary my friend showed me reminded me of my Europe trip, and omg I miss Lucerne so much. No matter how touristy or expensive it is, there's no denying how incredibly beautiful that place is. Actually, each place I visited on that trip was breathtaking, but right now I miss Lucerne. :P The lake! I went on a cruise on that lake, and yes, it was very very very cold, but the scenery is to die for. Sunset over the lake! Incredibly INCREDIBLY beautiful. And peaceful. If any of you're interested I'd be more than happy to show you pictures. (Somehow my laptop refuses to let me post pictures.) I'm this close to organising a post-graduation Europe trip. Anyone interested? But before you guys jump at the opportunity to travel with me (*wink*), bear in mind that by tomorrow I'd probably have changed my mind. I'm a very poor student after all heh.

But you know, if there're any REALLY cheap packages to Lucerne... I wouldn't mind Italy either, even though I've been there twice already, and it's probably going to be freaking warm there at this time of the year. The streets of Florence! *cry* And Venetian masks! Gondolas and cathedrals! *sobs* The Salzburg cemetary! (I know it's strange to miss a cemetary, but dammit their cemetaries ain't our cemetaries.)

Omg I miss Lucerne so much. Even their ducks are prettier. What would I give for a ticket to Switzerland right now. Why is it that Europe is so bloody effortlessly pretty? What would I give to fly off right now?

Bored

I just discovered my handphone's able to play music! I'm so thrilled! Ok, so I should have found out before I bought it, but I never really bother about the features... as long as I can call and sms using my handphone it's good enough for me. And I never pay for my phones. I don't see the point of paying when I can get them free heh. So I usually walk into the shop, look at the free phones, and pick out the best of the lot.

I'm a bit bored. Today was supposed to be my LSB and violin day, and I spent some time with both, but I actually spent most of the day sleeping. Now I feel as if I've got nothing to do. I should study, but no one's really free to study with me, and I can't get started on my own.

So that's why I'm writing an incredibly boring post for the world's consumption.

I had a really romantic 'date' on Sun with one of my many LSB surrogates! What with perfume shopping, chocolate sipping, candlelight dinner (by proxy) and long walks on the roof of the esplanade heh.

Oh and my perfume! *excited* I love perfume!

Perfumes

I swear I'll never buy an Anna Sui perfume again. The scent is cloyingly sweet and I've got a huge headache from it.

If anyone wants to buy me Lanvin's Rumeur, I'll treat you to the spectacle of me sniffing my wrists non-stop in public heh.

Also, I'm using my old number (my hp should be in use by Sat), but I still need all your cells, so pls send them to me via MSN/email/SMS. And my new Sony Ericsson phone, while cute, is horrendously unfamiliar.

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

And today's almost over

I lost my handphone! :( And stood my friend up because I don't remember people's hp numbers haha... Sorry sorry! But people, pls give me your numbers via MSN or email. Merci!

But apart from the handphone loss (it's the 1st time I've ever lost my handphone), it was a pretty good day.

I discovered that camomile tea goes REALLY well with lavender chocolate mousse! It's a discovery comparable to my rosebud tea + green tea mooncakes (with traditional crust) discovery!

Hmm actually I didn't do much today. But I'm still in a relatively good mood, considering that I've lost 1 of my 2 main means of interpersonal communication (the other being MSN). Damn the person who stole my handphone!

Freedom!

Yay I'm rid of that horrible thing that I handed in yesterday, and I shall not think about it again! Not even about the part where I added something 20mins before I handed in and totally regret it! No I shall not think about it at all!

Also, I shall not think about how I handed in that horrible thing without proofreading at 12nn cos I had to prepare for a presentation for a class at 2. The presentation didn't go too badly though, cos I did my best to act cute while presenting, which totally excused my ignorance and lack of preparation.

And now I'm in the Very Rare Situation of having at least 1.5 weeks with no deadlines! No pressure! Free time!

So I'm thinking of what I should do today. I'll have to stop by school to settle some admin details. And after that? I could go to the library and borrow something I REALLY want to read (and pay my fines). Or I could go to somewhere n grab a spot of tea and listen to my music and read. I could go out and take a walk, but it looks about to rain, and I already walked from Citylink to Somerset yesterday. Or I could go by a music shop and buy loads of CDs again! even though I bought a CD yesterday! Or I could come home and practise my violin! And my piano! And surf the net! Or I could go exploring somewhere! Oh yeah, and buy books! Loads of books! The possibilities are endless! I'm so happy!

One of the happiest days of my life was the day before the final results for my undergrad were released, and being utterly convinced that this was the last day of my happiness, I made damn sure that I would thoroughly enjoy that happiness. So I woke early, grabbed breakfast from a bakery, and then sat on the Esplanade roof at about 8 to eat and read. And then I went to the library, and then walked up the river to go to Liang Court to get my watermelon ice-cream! And it was at Liang Court that I discovered the Japanese peaches selling at 5 for SGD100+! I was really tempted to buy them, but covinced myself that I needed money to prepare for life after happiness heh.

Blues music is so fun! and slightly sexy and cheeky. At least the CD I'm listening to now. I need to diversify in music. Maybe I'll drop by some music shop, close my eyes, and pick a CD.

*yawnz* It's raining, and I've tired myself out by being so excited. Maybe I'll just spend the day sleeping.

Hey, maybe I could go to a museum today! *rubs hands in glee*

But I think I'll sleep hehehe.

4am Tues morning

I've got a dissertation (I mean, THE dissertation) & a presentation due Wed, and I haven't done any work in the 10hrs I've managed to remain awake.

I think the problem with me is that I know that as long as I'm not looking for perfection, I could finish both even if I started tomorrow evening. Theoretically. Assuming everything goes well. Of course I'd compromise my grades, but who cares about grades?

Speaking of which, it is only now that I'm involved in the grading process that I've realised how difficult it is to do well in university. I really don't know how I got through my undergrad, considering that I used to give up the 20% (or more) participation grade by skipping classes all the time. What the hell happened back then? It was like there was a lucky star shining over me and I never noticed. I feel like a miracle baby.

Please get me to work. Somebody. Please.

Babies

Check this out for the funniest kid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVDGu82FeQ.

I've been watching it over and over, and if I ever had a kid like that I'd spend all day making fun of him and laughing. Which was what I did to my sister when I was younger, because oh, it's so funny when she cries. *evil laughter*

My mum was just reminding the other day of what must have been the climax of my life. When I was about 1+, my mum was reading me my favourite storybook about a girl called Jenny who broke her arm and had to be sent to the hospital. And then she gave my arm a playful tug.

Now please, I'm relying entirely on an eyewitness account here, but apparently I started crying that my arm was broken, and my mum believed me. (1st-time parents' syndrome) She took me to the GP downstairs, and the wonderful doctor that he was, he sent us over to the hospital, where many bouts of tragic weeping and screaming and futile attempts to get me to sleep and 1 x-ray later, they discovered... no broken bone. In the meantime, my mum had called my grandparents in Malaysia, and my dad had rushed over from work.

In defence of the panicked adults around me, apparently I'd cradled my arm and refused to let anyone see or touch it. So perhaps it was a bit hard to figure out what was happening until I got the x-ray. But still.

Omg I was evil, wasn't I.

Damn, it all went downhill from there.

And speaking of downhill, I still have to mark this load of essays, and I know someone famous said something to the effect of: the parts that are original aren't good, and the parts that are good aren't original. Save me.

Updates

(now she's feeling lost)

I straightened my hair (permanently, at least till the hair grows out), and now I feel I've lost all personality. Yes people, the personality was in the hair. Now it's all gone.

(now she's feeling happy)

My supervisor told me 'Good work!' (after which he gave me a whole list of suggestions, but never mind.) Yay! *does happy dance*

*reminds self* Ok now, you've got to stop living for the approval of others! *mutters to self neurotically*

(now she's feeling grumpy)

Stupid undergraduates can't hand in an essay on time. ARGH.

(now she's amused)

Found in a student essay: 'You simply do not spank an adult.' Uh-huh. Education still incomplete.

I need to mark essays!

(flounces off)

All You Need to Know About Me

If you really want to know who I am, don't read this blog. Just go ahead and look at this: http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html. It just boggles my mind how accurate this stuff is. If I wore a t-shirt with that url printed on it and walked down the street, people would scream and tell me 'Your Insides Are Showing!'

The drive to understand things that are not yet understood is a very powerful force in the life of an INTP. Where the Ti preference is strong, this drive can override the experiential element so strongly that the INTP will become quickly bored with anything that he has successfully analysed to the point of understanding it. Once understood, it has nothing left to offer, once the satisfaction which comes with achieving the goal of understanding diminishes. Indeed, most primary interests of an INTP are things which he cannot fully understand, usually because they are highly complex or have some exotic, mystical element that does not yield to analysis.

This is SO why I'm not going to do a PhD in International Relations, even though I was totally counting on that, and now I have no idea what to do with my life.

The INTP enjoys speculating about how a news item (for example) might be received by other people or how a point of view might offend certain types of people and be supported by yet other types; but to have a point of view of his own rarely seems relevant!

Totally! I hated it when for a course, I had to take a position on every class reading. WTH spare me.

If an INTP decides to learn a skill, then it is very important for him that he reaches a sufficient level so that basic errors can be avoided. Errors made by others are to be expected and can be criticised. But errors made by oneself attack the very root of the person, which is ultimately about rationality, logic and truth. INTPs hate to think of themselves being in any way inadequate, at least in areas that are important to them. So, as soon as he puts himself behind some task, then he must achieve competency. But that is as far as it goes. Refined competency requires too much effort and has little attraction. It would require practice and that usually bores an INTP.

Oh definitely, so definitely. See http://justareed.blogspot.com/2007/03/violin.html.

To know is everything, to do is a lower order necessity, if it is necessary at all. This breeds the potential for lazy aloofness. The INTP is often satisfied simply by knowing that he could do something if he wished.

Did I say SO me?

If you see someone smirking and laughing at some private thought, without any obvious reason, he's probably an INTP.

Actually, it's probably me. And I'm a she.

The source of the unease is simply the feeling that a planned schedule inhibits and robs the INTP of freedom. It is also a subordination to the plans of others which the independent INTP resists. Faithfully helping others is not a problem, however, but he must feel in control of his decision to subordinate or not.

Which is why I'm DREADING a 9-5 job. Can you imagine going to the same office at the same time for YEARS on end?

The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints.

You've no idea how many times I've gotten into trouble because of this. I always shoot my mouth off in class discussions on a point that I don't necessarily believe in, and I always get attacked for that. But it's the balance you know. If everybody agrees on something, then someone has to look at alternatives (no matter how ridiculous) and raise them.

Indeed, INTPs are often glad when someone else takes over the lead, again providing the leader is of the same mind. An INTPs ideal is to provide all the ideas for a project and have a charismatic leader, who agrees with him, carry them out.

Yes yes, and again, yes.

The one thing that will force an INTP to tidy his home radically, even when alone, is when the clutter eventually gets in his way and hinders some activity. Often, however, the offending objects will merely be moved into another corner where they can spend some more weeks being invisible.

Has anyone seen my room recently? And did anyone know that about the only time I clear my room is when I have to write a big paper and All That Mess just pisses the hell out of me because suddenly I can't find my notes, and there's no space left on my table for me to work, and What The Hell I can't get wireless in my room, which has always been the case, but Really Pisses Me Off Now? And hell, it doesn't matter if I only need to clear my table to work, I'll clear the whole damn room so this never (haha) bothers me again! Which is why I tend to be stuck clearing my wardrobe and sweeping my floor when I'm supposed to be rushing a paper.

However, the greatest fears of an INTP are usually ideas generated within his own mind. The problem is that the Ti-Ne axis is capable of conceiving very unpleasant ideas, which may be far from reality and even irrational. Ideas and possibilities assume so much importance in the mind of an INTP that they can override a common sense factual grasp on reality.

Oh yes. Tell me about it.

In other news, within 24 hrs, LSB has called me adorable, cute and capricious. I particularly like the last, and would appreciate if he now addresses me as 'my capricious little one' (CLO). But I don't mind generous sprinkles of 'cute' and 'adorable' either.

..................................................

Edited:

Oh wow, what do you know. Everybody seems to know exactly what kind of person I am. http://www.typelogic.com/intp.html

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition

One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context.

In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgement and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured.

Just one thing? No Maths. I do wish I was good at it, cos I think it's really cool to be a Maths genius. But no, I'm not good at it.