The onion rules

CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

WASHINGTON—In testimony before a special panel on domestic safety Tuesday, officials at the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that the U.S. may have anywhere between one and three unidentified secret admirers currently longing for the country.

"We face a new and disturbing reality: There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national intelligence.

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The first article is just funny, but the second hits especially hard.