Rainy days and Bach's Chaconne

Not that I really know what Bach intended for his Chaconne, but for some reason for me it's always been a lament about mortality. Bach's Chaconne conjures images of an old cathedral, a solemn funeral, gloomy skies and the cemetary at Salzburg that I visited on a cold and rainy summer day that had so many old tombstones and brilliantly colourful flowers.

Today's a rainy day as well, and I'm vegging in my mum's room with the huge windows and looking out at tree branches swaying in the breeze, grey skies, and a half-hearted drizzle. Perfect Chaconne weather.

Current Music Obsession: The Red Violin

I'm re-listening to The Red Violin soundtrack, and my brain short-circuited again. I spent most of last night feverishly reading reviews of the film and soundtrack, the obvious thing to do when I have a paper this Friday.

I'm not particularly impressed by the film, but the soundtrack... *smoke rises from fried brain*

It's an original score! And a very good one at that! Joshua Bell played it! It's beeeeoooootifffuuuuullllll!

It's really a bad idea to be listening to the soundtrack now, because I can't concentrate on anything else (read: revision for the paper). And the regular fits I get while listening to the soundtrack make me very tired... It's tiring to remain ecstatic for hours on end. Talk about blowing my mind.

I need something brainless... M-Pop, here I come!

*waves fist angrily at Fate, Gravity, and Circumstance*

I cracked my toenail while rushing for class because I was so sleepy. (Actually, what really happened was I stubbed my toe, fell on both hands and knees in the middle of the most populated canteen in the university, and then stared blankly - while still on the floor - at the blood oozing out from under my toenail for about half a minute. Glamorous eh.) Now my entire toe hurts, and I'm paranoid about people stepping on my injured toe. Which was why I came *this* close to screaming at people to get away from me on the MRT today.

So I started my first class of 2007 with a bleeding toenail. I also started my first class realizing that I hadn't copied my readings for that class. Well, at least I didn't do too badly for the book review that I was angsting about.*gloat*

My silly ass of a sister decided to take the module that I might be tutoring (still in denial). Thank goodness I've been assured that there is No Way she'll end up in my class. I keep feeling that I'm more trouble than help to the Dept though. We shall see.

My violin teacher still maintains that I'm on the edge of a great height and a long way down, of failing my exam. Actually, who am I kidding. I'm already off the cliff and reaching terminal velocity. (I know, I know, I never say anything new about my violin lessons).

I *heart* Mayday! They're so smooshy!

tragedy of epic proportions

*panic*

My violin teacher has been mumbling, crone-like, throughout my classes, and all I can make out are ominous phrases like 'late again' 'going to fail' 'grade 8' 'needs practice' 'newt's tail'.

My thesis sup has very nicely allowed extended my deadline, but has glared at me in class when I resolutely refuse to contribute to the discussion (largely because I haven't read for the class). He has also reminded me that whatever the case, I must see him by the end of the year. Which means I get an extension of about... 1? 2? weeks. Not enough.

I'm trying to console myself for the failure of a test I haven't taken. I know I won't pass already.

My readings are piling up, and I'm going to miss 2 very important classes.

It looks like next year I'll be making another major commitment.

I need this trip to be over and done with.

*cry*

Violin teacher

Violin teacher: That candidate failed. And he played 10 times better than you.

Do you count that as having a way with words? Or just (brutal) honesty?

Argh I'm going to fail my violin exams!!!!!!!!!!!!! (& my classes, and my diss., and my DELF!)

Tentative songs for my wedding (that no one will recognize except J) (just indulge me. I'm female):

- That's All (Buble)
- East of the Sun (& West of the Moon) (Sinatra)
- Me & My Gal (Kelly & Garland)
- Mine (I've got the track, don't know the singers)
- The Way You Look Tonight (Sinatra)
- Come Fly with Me (Sinatra) --> for honeymoon!
- Moon River
- Quand On S'Aime (french duet by unknown singers on the CD someone hasn't returned to me after 2 yrs. *ahem*)
- Aren't you kind of glad we did (Garland duet)
- Let's Call the Whole Thing Off (Louis & Ella) --> if I'm feeling cheeky hehe
- Can This Be the End of the Rainbow --> to finish off

Hee that's all I can think of now. Unfortunately, I don't think I get to decide wedding tracks. Sighz.

And no one's supposed to use this list for their wedding!

These songs make me happy! They're smiley songs.

*slaps self out of bimbo mode* Back to work.

Gratitude

Dear Violin Teacher,

Thank you for being so nice to me. I'm forever grateful that you don't pull my ears off (or shout them off) the way I deserve. I'm also grateful that you haven't attempted to chop my fingers off with your chopper (the non-flying kind), even though your kitchen is so temptingly near. Thank you for doing nothing other than look pointedly at the clock and say 'you're very late' when I'm half a lesson late. And thank you for making the lesson moderately pleasant and non-confrontational, even though I've become an unrepentant lazy student. You should have expelled me from the school of trainee violinists already.

I guess it's because you were a student not too long ago too. You know how it is right? Those friends you haven't seen in 3 millenia, and you just have to go out with them. Cos you see, if they sail off on those ships to the West you'll have to wait another 3 millenia to even sniff their BO again.

And all that youtube... it's a horrendous ploy I know, but I can't help watching. You know, just in case they shut the site down and I'll regret the rest of my sad life that I was not able to finish watching Naruto for free. I know they'll probably show it on cable soon if they haven't already. But you know how it's different watching all through the night when you have a deadline the next day right? You're only young once you know.

Speaking of which, the assignments that just cannot be completed... and the readings (oh gawd, the readings... just kill me now...) You understand that don't you? The long, meaningless hours of torture... You do know I'd rather practise than do those readings? Yes, thank goodness you understand.

I promise I'll practise for the next lesson. As a matter of fact, I've already brought my violin out of its case. Now once I finish watching this episode of X/1999...

Love,
Your student.

Introductory post

I always knew I'd go public again, so here I am!

--Orientation--

Yep, my course is finally starting!

Orientation's been draining, because there's too much socializing (aka networking), which I don't mind in small portions, but THIS is way too much. I've come to realize that I really value my privacy, personal space and solitude. I get miserable and tired out by all this hand-shaking, so all I want now is solitude and rest and peace. Looks like I won't be going out till I recover.

--Academic--

I've got a feeling I'm in for a lot of frustration in class. The significant percentage of military/defence personnel suggests a predominantly realist class. And while I don't deny the relevance and applicability of realist theories, I don't find realist theories very attractive. Even if in some contexts, they may be very useful.

Realism, it seems to me, is not intellectually satisfying. (And I'm aware that 'realism' is not a monolith. There're 'better' realisms and 'worse' realisms.) This doesn't mean that I think realism has no explanatory value. It merely means I think realism isn't really much fun.

Class discussions frustrate me because even though I know that discussions are more like brainstorming sessions, it irks me that there is seldom any intellectual rigour in examining issues. It also irks me that some people assume that one can tell which theories/opinions are 'right' or 'wrong' simply through a discussion/roundtable. It irks me that such discussions are seldom comprehensive. It irks me that even though it's a brainstorming session (effectively), people are seldom willing to travel down strange, unfamiliar paths. It irks me that air-time is not given to the most considered opinions, but to the loudest voices.

And now the class includes people who are used to getting themselves heard. Yay.

It's worse, of course, when opinions are raised that go against my inclinations (which are not a product of rational, logical thought, but of personal, almost instinctual preference). Hence the dismay at the potentially realist inclinations of the majority of the class.

I know I'm socially liberal, academically postmodernist. Not that I'm a postmodernist by any measure, but that I'm drawn towards ideas with a postmodern flavour (but are not necessarily postmodern). Even though I may reject such ideas in the end (for whatever reason). Ok, enough qualifications.

I prefer an eclectic approach to international relations, and I seem to have found something approximating that through the structure proposed by the English School. I'm aware, of course, that the English School is not able to accomodate all theories/paradigms/povs. Critical theory, for example (if we discount developments from the 1980s). Postmodernism (in its various guises). And even though I am aware of failings of the English School, I do hope to learn more about it.

The readings aren't that bad (I hope. I haven't looked). The workload in terms of readings is comparable to my honours year workload. However, how heavy the course is depends on whether I really have no choice but to read the darn things. In my honours year I er... took a rather liberal view on the readings (ie. each person - and I'm assuming rationality - knows what's best for him/her, and is therefore free to do what he/she wants), so the readings weren't really a problem. So I'm really really really hoping that this place allows me the same... flexibility.

Anyway, many people have asked me why I have chosen to take this route. I tend to fudge and evade such questions. But basically, this is my version of seeing the world.

--Music--

My violin teacher is pushing me to do Grade 8 next year. Grade 8! I'm not prepared for it at all. I still close my eyes and stop listening myself when I hit those high notes (and my definition of 'high notes' has changed throughout the years. Once it meant 2 octaves above middle C). My bowing still sucks. My teacher still discreetly leaves the room when I play a difficult piece. The horror!

I'll consider. But I also have to consider that if I don't do it next year, I won't have the chance again.

And my piano's been neglected.

Surprisingly, my temp-ing has exposed me to all sorts of music. I actually recognize singers and titles these days (some of the time).