Regrets

I'm being unusually open today, am I not?

Ran into my ex-lecturer in school today, and he alerted me to the publication of his article (I was one of his research assistants). So of course I looked it up and scanned through it. Coincidentally enough, today was a big day for me (more on that later, hopefully), and I also had a conversation with LSB on a related topic (related to what I'm going to blog about, of course).

Some time ago, a friend asked me whether I regretted not going to LSE. I told her no, but the truth is, at times I do regret it. Reading through my prof's article, I suddenly really really wished I was still on track to becoming someone like him, someone who could write an article like this.

A few days ago another friend commented I have very low self-esteem when it comes to my academic essays because I never think they're any good. I retorted that it was because I have high standards, and don't kill me but it's true. I was, on hindsight, a very competitive student except that I never competed with my peers. I always compared my essays (those that I cared about anyway) to my profs' essays, and of course my essays always failed miserably in my eyes. In all my years in university, I've never written an essay that I'm satisfied with. No, not a single one. I do believe that somewhere in my head there's an image of what a good essay should be like, an essay with perfection so abstract that I cannot actually say what it would be like, except that I've never written one.

My impossible standards and resulting dissatisfaction with myself made for a very neurotic, insecure academic me. I think that as a result, my life in university was a very stressful, emotional one, being always mired in angst and insecurity. I didn't care what anyone told me, didn't care what the grades indicated. To me I was never good enough, and if I got good grades/compliments that made it worse because I felt like a pretender. I never deserved any of it.

Back to the point.

I think that somewhere in my very screwed up mind, I still want to compare myself with my profs, and I still want to be my profs. So do I regret my departure from academia? Some times more than others. Tonight the regret is especially acute.

But I do think that I need something besides the standards of academia with which to measure myself. I do think that I need to experience something outside of academia, face new challenges to prove myself to myself. I also think that the hordes of people who've just assumed that I was going into academia have pissed me off with their assumptions so much that I simply decided to flip them the finger and do something else. (kidding!) More importantly, I have other goals very important and very dear to me that could be served better by a non-academic route.

I'm hoping, really hoping, that what I've done pays off, that I didn't make yet another bad decision by opting out. I've got a bad feeling that in a few years, nay, in a few months, I'll be taking back every single word of this post. But I've got another bad feeling that it won't be the first time and it won't be the last, and life in general is like that and sucks very badly.

Goodness, I do regret it tonight. But there's a price to be paid for every decision, and I hope that regret is the heaviest cost of this decision. I'll cross my fingers, hope for the best, and live with the regret.

tired

Argh I'm too tired and brain-dead to work... I don't even know what I'm doing. I didn't quite realise how tired I was yesterday until I woke at 4am to find that I'd fallen asleep on the sofa. Come to think of it, that's something I haven't done for a long long time.

Anyway, read something that made me think. I'd like to think that I'm not someone who angers easily, but I do remember a few instances when I felt that very sharp bite of instant anger.

One instance was back in my student days, doing project work for a module. There were 4 of us, and only one girl was familiar with the topic we were working on (and it wasn't me). Let's call her X. We decided to split the presentation because we were given a couple of questions to answer, and since we were given an individual in addition to a group grade, no one wanted to take the difficult question. Therefore me being me, I took it. X, who knew the topic best, took the easiest question. Grabbed it before any of us could indicate our preferences.

Night before presentation. The other 2 girls were panicking because they didn't understand their questions, and X couldn't be contacted. Then they somehow got the idea that I was the best person to ask, and therefore I stayed up all night helping them with their questions when I wasn't even sure how to answer my own. I actually started on my own answer only AFTER I'd helped them out.

Day of presentation, everything went fine, except that the lecturer pointed out some gaps in my answer.

End of presentation, X came up to me and commented 'You didn't do very well on that did you?'

I rarely flare up, but I really really wanted to wring her neck back then. She had chosen the easiest question even though she was best qualified to take the hardest. She didn't help any of us at all, caring only about her own part. I would understand if her grades were suffering and she desperately needed to pull them up, but no, she was a Dean's Lister. Most of all, her tone of utter bitchiness, and the way she looking down her nose at me. Plain, unjustifiable bitchiness.

So after a moment of absolute stillness, I glared at her, raised one eyebrow and said 'Oh?' That was as far as it got, because the other two girls stepped in to defuse the situation. I can only imagine how tense the situation must have looked to the other two. And no, no apology or explanations or questions from X. She just walked away.

I don't think most of my friends have seen me being confrontational, largely because I'm not usually like that. Usually people just fail to offend me because I tend to assume there're some extenuating circumstances that could justify people's behaviour. Which, I feel, is the best way to live. But the few instances where I got really angry, I remember them with startling clarity, and I can't remember them without feeling horridly angry all over again. (LSB will probably know of one other incident that had a lot to do with the person I am now.) I guess I'm not the sort to forgive and forget?

*moment of introspection* I guess it's something I have to work on. *sighz*

Pugs can talk!

via Cute Overload.

Argh I wish I'd thought of teaching my dog how to talk.

They don't make playwrights like they used to

So I read LSB's newest creation. Yes, I know it sounds like we should have been sitting on the grassy banks of a drowsy river where he nervously presents me with a bundle of ink-stained paper and stares intently and lovingly at my face with meltingly intense brown eyes, waiting for my reaction. But actually, we were both working on our laptops, I was playing with his stuff and saw it, and he was like, you can look at it if you want, and then continued doing his work. He was complaining on Sunday that he felt like writing a play instead of doing work, so I suppose he must have written it then. (And no, he NEVER says 'I feel like taking a romantic walk at the seaside with you instead of doing work.')

Yes it sucks.

You know, from time to time I used to bug LSB to write for me, back in the days when I foolishly daydreamed of being a muse for a handsome brooding artist. (I watched Shakespeare in Love recently.) I've given up on that, having figured that if I ever appeared in an LSB play, it'd be of the taming of the shrew instead of the what-light-through-yonder-window-shines variety. As a matter of fact, I paused reading halfway, stared daggers at him and commented that he seemed to be a man of many grievances.

(An aside: My Lit teacher in secondary school once mentioned that she'd like the lines 'Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear' on her tombstone. I'm totally stealing her idea.)

While reading LSB's creation, I heard this song immediately:

As Time Goes By
You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

And when two lovers woo
They still say I love you
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs, never out of date
Hearts full of passion, jealousy and hate
Woman needs man, and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

Here's looking at you kid.

Sober

Construction crane topples over at NUS, killing 3 men

It was really really sobering and saddening to know that while I was doing my work, just a 10mins' walk away, 3 men were dying.

For some reason, the moment I heard about it, I thought of this poem by Rupert Brooke. I don't really know why; it doesn't really fit. But I suppose it's because of the connection between death and soil (construction site), and perhaps, death far away from home.

The Soldier
If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is forever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam;
A body of England's, breathing English air,
Washed by the rivers, blessed by suns of home.
And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

I guess in sovereignty-conscious Singapore this is the only way we willingly yield land to other people huh. Yay for the Youth Olympics. (which, incidentally, is top CNA Singapore story, much more important than other, less significant events)

Bleaugh being irrational :P

Beagle Puppy at 3 weeks

*dies of cuteness*

Oh and for you philistines who don't like dogs, there's a very watchable human (male) in there too ;)

romance

I was reading one of the many perfume blogs out there (oh come on, I haven't done that in ages!), and came across the most romantic lines in the entire universe.

Colombina might argue that until her, I did not know how to make the connection between fragrance and romance, owing to my limited understanding of fragrance.

I would counter by saying that until her, I did not know how to make the connection between fragrance and romance, owing to my limited understanding of romance.

The most I got out of LSB this V-Day was 'I wanted to buy you flowers, but I thought you were carrying too much stuff already.' At which point I pointedly expressed my disbelief that there could be any inclination on his part to buy me des fleurs. There's romance, and then there's romance.

Hmmm do you suppose there's any chance I could get LSB to start wearing perfume?

do you think i could normalise relations with them?

I shall never be cheapskate when it comes to cosmetics again.

I've had to use lipstick quite often in the past 2 weeks, and having airily dismissed magazines that tell you you're supposed to dump your cosmetics after a few months, I DIDN'T throw my lipsticks away, and instead, went ahead and covered my lips with coloured goo. Coloured goo that has been stuck in my drawer for months, probably a year even, giving the multitudes of bacteria plenty of time to have hot bacteria sex and have many many many bacteria babies. And then these babies went to school and learnt all their lessons well, and so they're now helping their bacteria mummies and daddies build a bacteria kingdom (get this straight) ON MY LIPS.

My lips have been drying up for days, and my arsenal of lip balms is making no difference at all. I have 1 tube of Kiehl's, 1 stick of Palmer's & 1 tub of Body Shop lip butter. When I've been desperate (recent development), I use all 3 at once. Impressive weaponry right? but useless against them bacteria. They are my little (read: microscopic) Cuba. I swear I might just have to nuke my lips to be free of them.

Ooh and don't my lips sound kissable?

my love affair

Despite it being 2am on V-Day (I'll always remember my JC lit teacher being horrified by people wishing each other 'Happy VD'), I'm going to talk about the BBC and my piano instead of darling LSB.

This morning I had an excellent piano practice. It's still 3rd movement, Moonlight, but this time even though I still made tonnes of mistakes, everything clicked. Notes became textures instead of timekeepers, crescendos became exhilaration instead of volume, the speed was easily mastered and at that speed, somehow all the 'singing' of the melody made sense. Excellent stuff. But I was so tired after that I went back to sleep for a few more hours before heading down to work. *sigh*

Also, my love affair with the BBC has been a long-lasting one. How can anyone resist the BBC? They're so entertaining! I spend more time with the BBC than I do with LSB!

More from the BBC

Secret Jacobite ring to be sold

A ring used by Jacobite agents to identify themselves while carrying secret messages from Bonnie Prince Charlie has been put up for auction.

'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore

A leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report.

The Great Interview Experiment - Interviewed by Monica

I also had the good fortune of being interviewed by Monica. I love being interviewed! Makes me feel like a star! *flounces* Read on, & even you guys who know me might learn a bit more about me ;)

QUESTION ONE:

Your blog posts date back to 2006. Where are you located? What event(s) or writer(s) inspired you to start blogging at http://justareed.blogspot.com ?

I'm from Singapore (currently in the library), and I've actually had many many blogs before my current one at justareed. I love blogging, but I tend to get sick of it very easily, so every few months I'll swear off blogging, and a few months later I'll start up again. I'm sort of surprised my current blog has lasted so long. As for inspiration, I don't think there's any specific event/writer that influenced me. I just found out this was possible and started. I mean, be able to tell everyone what I think of them and their dog? Excellent! Also, I find my blog very useful because it allows me to talk about random/amusing (to me) stuff that I want to share with my friends at their reading leisure. Plus it's a good place to rant.

QUESTION TWO:

Can you explain what your poetic tagline means to you and when did you create it? "The true gods sigh for the cost and pain, For the reed which grows nevermore again, As a reed with the reeds in the river."

I didn't come up with that, so I'd better not claim credit! It's taken from a poem by Elizabeth Browning (http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/839.html), as is the title of my blog 'Making a poet out of man' (although in Browning's poem it's 'making a poet out of A man'.)

Browning's poem is about the god Pan, who takes a reed out of the river and turns it into a musical instrument. I'm not too good at literary criticism, so I'll just stick to my very subjective interpretation of these lines. I guess they express my sentiments on humanity and religion and self-expression. The pain of a human living and dying to express the beauty/goodness of God is too high a price to pay, and I cannot reconcile this with my image of a 'true god'. To me, a true god should be one who allows each individual to live for his own purpose, amongst his own people. I've titled my blog 'Making a Poet Out of Man' because I believe that it is not up to any god to make a poet out of man; it is up to us (and our writings) to express our humanity and our poetry and our beauty, making poets out of us all. (no offence to anyone I hope!)

QUESTION THREE:

Your recent blog posts discuss your frustration and boredom, as a NUS student at your local library. What are you working on, at the library?

Actually, I'm not an NUS student anymore! I've graduated, and am looking for a job. I've been looking through Singapore's parliamentary debates since 1955 (thankfully we're a young country), but I'm a bit uncomfortable with revealing my research topic and the reason for my research, so I'll just leave it at that. :P

QUESTION FOUR:

How much more time do you have to be imprisoned at the library? Do you have an escape plan?

I foresee I'll be stuck here till the end of Feb at the very least! In the meantime I've concocted dozens of escape plans, including burning down the library, overthrowing the government and encouraging riots on the streets so I can't come to the library and therefore have a perfect excuse not to work, murdering everyone who's chasing me for the work. On the other hand, I could just finish my work and never have to return here anymore!

QUESTION FIVE:

Your blog shows a cute video of a panda toaster. Do you have your own panda toaster? If yes, how often do you use it?

No, unfortunately I don't have one!

QUESTION SIX:

How much longer will you be a student? What are your career plans?

As I've said above, I'm no longer a student. As for career plans, I'm still working on them. ;)

QUESTION SEVEN:

Regarding your blog post titled 'insecurity'; have you finished that chocolate bar in your fridge? Have you snagged a friend that shares their chocolate bars with you?

I've finished the chocolate bar that WAS in my fridge when I was writing that post, but now TWO more chocolate bars have magically appeared inside! I don't know how this happens! Well, actually I do. My friend was in Berlin and bought two chocolate bars for me... I don't know if that counts as sharing since she gave me the whole lot, but from now on those chocolate bars are mine! And I don't share my chocolate! Mine! *hugs chocolate protectively*

QUESTION EIGHT:

I read your funny blog post titled 'Bimbotic post - shoes and dresses'. Have you found yourself a new pair of flats, other than your pink crocs? What are your favorite places to shop for bimbotic dresses and shoes?

Most unfortunately I'm wearing my pink crocs now and the shoes clash horribly with the rest of my outfit, but I'm in a rut and am lugging my ultra-heavy laptop around today, so comfort trumps fashion sense.

Ah, if you ever visit Singapore, there's mall called Far East Plaza. Loads of little stores selling cheap and trendy stuff. Beware though, goods are not always the epitome of quality and sizes are limited!

QUESTION NINE:

You state that you have a mood for every food on your blog. What mood / food combination are you with today?

Let's see... It's almost dinner, I'm in the library, I'm probably going to have to settle for fast food... so I want Japanese food! I'd love some sashimi and miso soup please! (I tend to want food that I can't have.)

QUESTION TEN:

What were your New Year Resolutions for 2008? How are your resolutions working for you so far?

I've got plenty of resolutions! They include:
1. I need a healthier lifestyle. Until 2 weeks ago, I hadn't exercised regularly in 4 years!
2. Moratorium on shopping.
3. Better budgeting.
4. I want to continue learning french, to practise my piano and violin regularly, and to take up art classes.
5. End my delusions of grandeur.

Unfortunately, except for 2 & 3, I'm not being particularly consistent.

QUESTION ELEVEN:

Your blog post states that your favorite childhood memory is of sitting in a car at night with your parents driving through Malaysia. What kind of car was it (big, small, new, old)? Who was driving? Were you driving through a countryside scene or busy city streets? What language was everyone speaking? What was the starting point, destination, and reason for the drive?

We drive to Malaysia very often because our extended family is there and we go visiting during the holidays. While us kids (there're 4 of us) grew up in Singapore, we came from Malaysia and still retain our citizenship. Unfortunately, because we grew up in Singapore and are Chinese, we don't know Malay and therefore speak mainly English and Mandarin.

Most of our car journeys to Malaysia take us along the expressway through huge swathes of the country, so most of the journey is through the countryside - jungles, plantations, mountains. I grew up in Singapore, which is all city and no countryside, so I love it when we drive through the rural areas in Malaysia at night. I love seeing a vast expanse of sky not blocked by buildings and stars that aren't dimmed by streetlights. My mum is used to these sights and calls us city-kids.

My family car has changed a couple of times. In the past it was a 5-seater, but now that the kids (there're 4 of us) have all grown up, we've changed to a 7-seater. My parents do ALL the driving!

QUESTION TWELVE:

Your blog states that your favorite day is Sunday. What is a typical Sunday like for you? What do you do on Sundays, that is differant than other days?

I like Sunday a lot because when I was young, all the exciting family outings happened on Sunday! We would go to the zoo or the park, and all the school homework would be left till after the outing (bad habit). Even though this is not the case now, and my family only does boring things like going out for dinner, Sunday retains that special aura. My Sundays aren't that different from the other days, but I still feel as if I have permission to neglect my work in favour of more exciting things. :P

QUESTION THIRTEEN:

Do you have a toy dog? Did you really name him StarBucks McCigarettes or StarBucks McCiggy? (many more questions, depending on your answer :)

Yes, I do have a toy dog. My boyfriend likes to give me toys (probably because they're cheaper than diamonds), and this was a present he got me while he was in Bangkok. I've named the dog Starbucks McCiggy despite objections from all quarters, and my boyfriend mutters under his breath everytime the offending name is mentioned. If only he knew that his very amusing reaction is the main reason for the name. ;)

QUESTION FOURTEEN:

Regarding your post about your 'X-Men Dreams', what superpowers do you wish for? What would you enjoy doing the most with your super powers? Can you think of any reason your new superpowers might get in the way of your current lifestyle?

I'd love to be able to teleport myself to anywhere in the world (saves me the airfare). I'd become a perpetual tourist, but I don't think I'd get any work done.

QUESTION FIFTEEN:

Who is your hero today? Who was your hero, when you were a young child?

When I was young I really idolized Sherlock Holmes (ok this is slightly embarrassing) because he was really cool and could probably do all my homework for me. Nowadays my inflated opinion of myself gets in the way of putting people on a pedestal because nobody's great enough to be my hero. Kidding! I just don't think much about it, but I bet there are plenty of heroic/great people around. But if I had to choose, I'd have to say my parents. They've given me everything that I need, and if I ever win an Oscar I'd definitely mention them in my speech!

QUESTION SIXTEEN:

What languages do you study, speak, and write?

I speak and write English and Mandarin. I speak a bit of Cantonese (a Chinese dialect), and I'm learning French. I hope to learn Japanese too, but methinks I'm getting a bit ambitious.

QUESTION SEVENTEEN:

Have you been able to identify the 'watchacallit' that you discuss in your blog post titled 'violin results'?

Not at all. I think it has something to do with chords.... (my violin teacher'd have a fit if she knew)

QUESTION EIGHTEEN:

How long have you been playing the violin and piano? Do you play any other musical instruments?

I started learning the piano when I was 4 or 5, but stopped for a long while and picked it up when I was 10. As for the violin, I started when I was 20 while waiting to get into university. I don't play other instruments, but I think I'm going to remedy that.

QUESTION NINETEEN:

In your blog post titled 'am i that boring', you discuss the deep connection that you and a little doggy find, while you wait at a bus stop. Have you and that little doggy played with ringtones again, since your first meeting?

The dog has been somewhat elusive since then. I don't really know why he hasn't been contacting me. We had such a good thing going. Maybe he's a commitment-phobe.

QUESTION TWENTY:

Is to their anything else you would like to share? Do you have a funny joke to tell today?

I'm devoid of humour today, so I'd better not try making jokes. (actually I just can't think of a joke at the moment, but let's ignore that.) Feel free to email me more questions if my answers were incomprehensible/incomplete/obscure etc, or simply for fun. I hope my response wasn't too long! I enjoyed answering the questions, and I hope you have fun reading :)

-- end --

The Great Interview Experiment - Interviewing Kathleen

If you guys didn't know, a Great Interview Experiment has been conducted, and I'm a participant! (no, I'm not getting paid for it) I had the chance to interview Kathleen, someone with whom I felt a connection, especially in 2 ways - applications (given that I count myself among the ranks of the unemployed), albeit different types of applications, and grey hair. Read the interview below to find out more!

Interview with Kathleen

- Could you tell me more about yourself? Any personal
information/details you're willing to disclose? Where're
you're from? Are you working? As what? 

Anyone who reads my blog with any regularity will know the
answers to most of these questions.  I don't mean to
sound difficult at all here, but especially when so many
of my credentials are up for public scrutiny during my
review for admissions to law school, I don't really want
to link them all in to one googletastic answer.  Sorry.

- You seem to keep tabs on American politics quite a bit!
So here's the question: what's the most fascinating
thing about American politics, and why? (and is the
American media that bad?)

The short answer is - yes, most of the American Media *is*
that bad. There are exceptions, of course, but it's sad when
some of your most balanced "reporting" comes from fake news
shows like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

As for the most fascinating thing, I can't pick just one.
I have a firm believe that if you don't follow politics and
you don't vote, than you don't have a right to complain
about what's going on.  You don't have to have the same values
as me, but you do have to put your vote where your mouth is
and prove that you're "about" something.

- Why do you blog? Are there any downsides to blogging for
you? What do you think of blogging in general? Why is your
blog called 'Unsettled'?

Some days I ask myself this same question.  Especially in
the day and age of feed readers when so few people actually
click through and comments are more infrequent, you can feel
a little like no one cares. However, mostly I blog for me -
it serves as a snapshot to where I am in
my unsettled life as any given moment.  Besides the five
years of archives you can get here, I blogged before this at
another location and lost those archives a while back.

The only downside I see is that a while back I had a pain
in the ass sibling discover my site and thought it was a good
idea to send it to all my family.  So, what I write is sometimes
very censored because I know that one of my siblings or even
my almost seventy year old mother might read it.  That part
sucks because said sibling pretty much ruined the
no-holds-barred approach I had had to blogging before that.

Mostly I use it to just work stuff out or mark time.  The thing
about blogging is once you write about something, you can
always find someone who has gone through it as well so you
don't feel so lonely.  I do resent that there have been things
in my life that have happened to me that I would've like the
public feedback on that I couldn't talk about, but moving at
this point would be ridiculous.

> - You're applying to law school, so any hopes/expectations/
dreams? Any anxieties/fears?

This is answered pretty simply - I want to get in to law school
to, you know, be a lawyer.  : )

And, of course there are anxieties and fears.  Mainly, during
this time, it's "What if I don't get in where I want to?  Wait,
what if I don't get in anywhere!?!"  Then it'll be, "Will
school come as easily to me as it used to?"  "Will my fellow
students think I'm "old"?"  Insecurities, mostly.

The whole thing is just one giant stress ball in my neck right
now.

- I've got tonnes of grey hair too! And it's a pain to dye. Any
tips to share on covering 'em up or any miracle cures? :P

Unfortunately, no.  Believe me, I've tried everything!  And my
hair is red so that means touching up my roots EVERY TWO WEEKS.
It is an unbelievable pain in the ass.  Thanks genetics!

- You were once a competitive skater? I play music, but I have
major nerves whenever I have to play in public. Did you ever get
stage fright before a competition, and if you did, how did you
overcome it (or not)?

You know what, I really never did.  I think I started so young
(at five) that it never occurred to me be nervous.

I'm much more of a basket case as an adult.  The beauty of that
timing is, however, that now I know all about the beauty and
wonder that is bourbon.  Best stage fright blaster ever!

- If you had the choice of any holiday destination, where would
you go and why?

Depends on the season.

Right now I'm in the middle of a New England winter so I want
nothing more than to fly to a beach somewhere, sit under an
umbrella, and have cute cabana boys fetch me fruity, girlie
frozen drinks.  Instead, I'm off to DC at the end of the month.

Hey, I hear it's been 70 degrees there this week so I'll take
it.  It's been in a state of perma-snowing all week here.

- What movies does one absolutely HAVE to watch? Music? Food?
 (anything else to recommend?)

My favorite movie of all time is Dead Poet's Society.  When those
students stand up on their desks at the end of the movie I cry
every time.  And Neil's poor dream killing father.  I also really
like Moulin Rouge and Love Actually.  I'm also the girl that
stops on Dirty Dancing every time I flip by it on TV.  But, I see
tons of movies - I saw everything from ratatouille to Paris
je t'aime last year.

My music tastes are all over the place.  I love everything from
Disco to current Top 40.  The only music I don't like is hard
rock and country. I love Broadway musicals, The Killers, Justin
Timberlake, Prince, Neil Diamond...  crazy diverse.

My food tastes are as all over the map.  Right now, I'm really
digging Mediterranean food.

-- end --

out of the woodwork

Yet another old friend contacted me. I swear all my long-lost friends are crawling out of the woodwork. Even if I don't think they'd appreciate that particular expression :P

But seriously, is it something in the stars these days? Nowadays I keep wondering who's next to reappear...

Charlie bit my finger - again !

Damn I can't seem to stop watching this...

Amazingly bad policy

If this isn't bad publicity, I don't know what is.

Tourists warned of UAE drug laws

Possession of painkillers like codeine and some cold and flu medication could result in a mandatory four-year prison sentence, Fair Trials International said.

In one of the most extreme cases, it reported a man being held after poppy seeds from a bread roll were found on his clothes.

"If they find any amount - no matter how minute - it will be enough to attract a mandatory four-year prison sentence.

"What many travellers may not realise is that they can be deemed to be in possession of such banned substances if they can be detected in their urine or bloodstream, or even in tiny, trace amounts on their person."

蘇芮 一樣的月光

This is one of those songs I really don't want to like cos liking it is just... uncool. But I can't help feeling very impressed with the singer, and I can't help liking the song. Eeks I'm so uncool.

A note on the singer. I remember very distinctly coaching my mum in Kbox for her Mid-Autumn performance (hehe) in which she had to sing one of this singer's songs. My mum's quite a good singer actually, but she can't sing with the music, which is the problem I had when I first started playing the violin with piano accompaniment. So it was a full hour in Kbox listening to that song over and over and over. Urgh I'm a very filial daughter. Oh yes, what was I going to say? This singer's other song is very different. Ya, that's it.

Sleepy!

Guys just don't get it

Facing the prospect of yet another horrendous day in a secluded corner of the library until closing, what does a girl do? Of course she puts in a bit more effort dressing up.

Usually I just throw on a random top + a random bottom, grab my bag and go. These days I try to pick out clothes that I haven't worn in a while, coordinate them with stuff I haven't coordinated them with before, then fuss a bit in front of the mirror (and sometimes even change out of the outfit if it's horrendous). Nothing too dressy (since I have to wear my Crocs slippers because I have to lug my huge laptop around), but with a teeny bit more effort than usual. Then I bring out my perfume samples and meditate on which scent suits my mood, go through my accessories and do some matchy-matchy (forgive me for use of this *kowtows*) before I'm ready to go.

Yes, no one's looking at me, but who cares? Besides, that means that even if I get EVERYTHING wrong, no one's looking. :P (and yes, it's happened)

Guys have such inflated egos, they actually believe that girls dress for them. No no no *wags finger under noses* girls dress to make themselves feel better.

Anyway, I'm taking it easy tomorrow. (which means I'm going to work till sunset and no later)

qui aime le franglais?

I do!

Au revoir Mister Franglais

The French see it differently because English is taking over the world and French isn't. English doesn't need defending, but French, once the European language of freedom and culture, does. And English is not just 600,000 eccentrically spelt words in a very large book, it is, to some, a symbol of Anglo-American cultural imperialism, the language of junk food.

You might think we were talking about the last two speakers of a native American dialect, rather than French, which is used by more than 350 million people. But to some, a future of Franglais n'est pas un future at all.

This article really made me laugh. Why can't Channelnewsasia be more like the BBC?

That's my life

Can you believe that I'm excited at the prospect of being able to work at the National Library instead of NUS on Sunday?

haunted by Beethoven

There's this incredibly cool site where you can listen to music (no downloads or stuff). You choose your mood, music genre, era and off you go.

I hit dark, classical, and the next thing I know I'm hearing Moonlight Sonata 3rd movement. Which is, oh, just like the piece that's been invading my head for days. It's also the piece I've been trying to learn, and you know, there's this guy called Horowitz, and even though I've been practising on and off for a couple of months I don't know if I'm at half his speed yet. I keep increasing speed (on the metronome), and each time I'm surprised I can keep up, and each time I'm horrified to find out that I'm STILL not playing fast enough dammit.

Then again, I'm pleasantly surprised to find that I'm probably a much better pianist than I was when I just completed my Grade 8 piano. 7 years ago I'd never even have considered playing any of the stuff I'm playing now. I mean, I'm still no good now, but better. (which tells you how bad I was) I think it's something to do with my learning the violin. Learning the violin taught me muchos about playing music, even though it didn't really teach me how to play the violin well. And well, perhaps I'm actually interested in playing the piano now. I've got a bad bad feeling though, that if I actually get around to taking piano lessons again I'll find myself woefully inept.

Anyway, to all of you out there, life sucks quite a bit for me now, so watch out for the fangs and claws. (though you're probably more likely to get whines and buckets of angst)

Really, really expensive shampoo

I layered Burberry London for Men & Terre d'Hermes, and most surprisingly, got Johnson & Johnson's baby shampoo.

My wish list

Ok, I added a wish list (see sidebar), which is absolutely something I should have done ages ago. It'd be nice if you guys could get me any one of those (understatement. I'd actually love you till the end of time), but I don't really expect it and foresee I'll have to spend my own money (horror!) on them. Nevertheless, at least the list ought to keep my focused and prevent me from buying other stuff when that money could have gone to any of the items on my list.

how a library can kill you

I'm dying here... I've been spending days alone in the library flipping through books that, as interesting and entertaining as they were initially, are probably going to get drier and more boring as I go along. I can't surf the net or watch videos while working, there's no one to talk to, I can't MSN and work at the same time, and I can't even listen to music because I'm in such a music mood these days, it's hard to listen to music that induces brain-implosion and work simultaneously, and music that doesn't induce brain-implosion is not listen-worthy when I'm in this mood.

Hours and hours and days and days and weeks and weeks of flipping through books without anything else to do.......

I could cry with sheer frustration and boredom.

In the news

Carla Bruni avoids protocol issue

Carla Bruni, the girlfriend of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, has told a leading French newspaper that she will not travel with him to India this week.

The decision means that Indian officials do not have to resolve protocol issues of how to treat a head of state's girlfriend.

Officials said there was no precedent for a head of state visiting with their girlfriend and there is no mention in the rule book about where she should be accommodated or seated.

Officially, the foreign ministry refused to comment on the visit, but in private many diplomats hinted at the "protocol confusion" that gripped the government.

This amused me to no end.

Maid finds boss is missing father

A Vietnamese woman who travelled to Taiwan to find the father she had never met, ended up working for him without knowing it.

Ms Tran had travelled to Taiwan a few years earlier to search for her father. Her only clues were a gold ring and a photograph of him as a young man.

He had given the mementoes to a Vietnamese woman he had fallen in love with in Hong Kong in 1967. She had returned to her home country to care for her mother and he later returned to Taiwan.

The woman gave birth to Tran Thi Kham, but died two years later. The child was brought up by her aunt - whom she thought was her mother until the day of her wedding, at age 21. On that day, her aunt revealed the true story and passed on the ring and the photo.

This was terribly amusing too. Oh come on, the drama... the drama...

I love the BBC for all the wrong reasons.

a bit of joy in a lot of work

I put on my jacket and realised I can smell my perfume on my jacket.

I've never, in all my years as an NUS student, spent this much time in the bloody library.

Ring-a-ring-o'-roses,

PM urges world institution reform
Gordon Brown has called for reform of international institutions, including the United Nations and the World Bank, on the final day of his trip to India.

A pocket full of posies,

In a keynote speech in New Delhi, the prime minister said it was time to build a "new global society".

A-tishoo, a-tishoo,

Mr Brown also called for the expansion of the UN Security Council and the establishment of a World Bank fund to combat global warming.

We all fall down.

Panda Toaster

Ah!!!!!! I love Panda Toaster! Panda Toaster rocks!

insecurity

This very very serious post was inspired by this post at a blog I always visit cos the guy's funny and ten kinds of nice in a good way.

My friends often say that I seem to expect very little of them and not miss them at all when they're away. Which is absolutely true. I think it's because of that that I don't really get into major tiffs with friends. I don't get all worked up thinking that someone's being insensitive or uncaring or someone doesn't appreciate me as much as he/she should, and it's perfectly alright if friends disappear for months for whatever reason as long as I know we're still friends. Which is why I really don't understand why certain quarrels are so hard to resolve. (ahem :P)

I figure that since I spend most of my time not thinking or caring about my friends, there's no reason why I should expect any of my friends to spend any significant amount of time thinking about me. Most of my mental (and a large part of my emotional) effort goes into the constant inner struggle over whether I should finish up that chocolate bar in my fridge. (there's always a chocolate bar in the fridge) So I fully expect my friends to be more concerned about dinner than about me, and I fully expect them to contact me only when they're bored/ need help/ need company. And it's ok.

In the same way, because I'm never able to remember faces and names, if I have met someone only once or twice, I expect him/her to have forgotten me, and am pleasantly surprised when he hasn't. (and very embarrassed because 99% of the time, I've forgotten who he is. Also, when I introduce myself again, they're like, dude, I know who you are.)

On the other hand, for those people (read: LSB) whom I think about only slightly less than chocolate, I feel terribly devastated when I find that no, LSB has not been thinking of me at all, omg why doesn't he think about me does he still love me?!?!?! *silent scream, pulls hair out* And if he still hasn't remembered my birthday you better take a step back cos I don't know what I might do. But you know, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship when I'm like that. Well, at least I know that I'm more than a bit neurotic when it comes to LSB and I'm trying my best to take a more laid-back approach and to expect less of my boyfriend-who-is-an-utter-caveman-and-not-a-SNAG-at-all. *sigh*

Ok, I took a nap just now and woke at 1am, so many more sleepless hours to go...

Bimbotic post - shoes & dresses

Guys, witness the height (depths) of my bimboticness...

I need to re-organize my wardrobe. As much as I'd like to ignore her, my mum is right. I have too many pieces of clothes that I don't wear.

Let's ignore the large quantities of tops and pants because I can't really count past 100 (I'm afraid I don't have that many skirts) and start with the dresses.

I have:
- 1 blue dress (worn twice)
- 1 dark blue shirt dress (never worn)
- 1 black dress with floral embroidery detail (never worn)
- 1 black empire layered dress (worn once)
- 1 black cotton dress, empire cut (worn twice)
- 1 black dress, waist detail (never worn)
- 1 black + floral design dress, flutter sleeves (never worn)
- 1 black sheath dress (worn once)
- 1 black tube dress (worn once)
- 1 silver dress with belt (worn once)
- 1 brown dress with ribbon (worn once)
- 1 white & brown floral dress (never worn)
- 1 casual dress, white + floral design (worn many times)
- 1 turquoise retro dress (yes, I finally remember which dress this is) (never worn)
- 1 pink satin dress (never worn)
- 1 purple short cheongsam (worn once)

2 dresses worn twice, 6 dresses worn once, 7 dresses never worn, and only 1 dress worn many times. The stats are damning. The pink dress & the cheongsam were, unfortunately, bought when I was much slimmer *sniff* and so I'd have to lose some weight in order to wear them again. Even though I'd love to wear the cheongsam again. Even though I have no occasion to. Even though it is kind of too short and channels all kinds of slutty. Especially since it's kind of too short and all kinds of slutty. ;)

And yes, too many black dresses.

Note to self: no more black dresses.

Shoes.

- 1 pink crocs slippers (worn too many times)
- 1 cream sandals (worn many times)
- 1 dark green pumps (going to wear! it's still new)
- 1 lime green pumps (worn once)
- 1 black stiletto pumps (worn once)
- 1 black patent pumps (worn once)
- 1 white & silver heels (worn a few times)
- 1 black with gold details heels (worn many times)
- 1 beige wedges (worn many times)
- 1 pink satin peep-toes (never worn - this was probably the biggest mistake of my life, but can be remedied once I'm willing to wear tonnes of bling)
- 1 grey denim slingbacks (worn once)
- 1 black heels with metal chain (worn many times)
- 1 black strappy heels (worn a few times)
- 1 silver wedges (worn a few times)

Ok, this is not the whole list. I'm pretty sure I've a few pairs that I've completely forgotten. Anyway, the shoes that I've only worn once? It's the pain. All you gals should understand. But I've discovered a new way to break into shoes! If it works I'll tell you all.

Also, the lack of flats? It's cos it's so difficult to find pretty flats, and cos the moment I get flats, I wear them till they break. So I only have 1 pair of flats at any one time. (and at the moment it's my crocs. *the horror*)

Again, too much black. And surprisingly 2 greens. Me thinking my next pair (which will hopefully be far far in the future) should be something reddish. And it'd better be devoid of pain.

Argh......

China's middle class

Well-heeled protests hit Shanghai
Rarely have protests in China been so well organised, or the protesters so well-dressed.

The residents of Pingyang district, in the south of the city, say their health is at risk and their homes will become worthless if a planned extension to Shanghai's futuristic maglev railway goes ahead.

They are part of China's new middle class. Many of them bought their first homes here, capitalising on China's new economic freedoms.

This looks interesting.

I haven't done this in a long time.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
930am? Thanks to LSB.

2. Diamonds or Pearls?
Anything. Just give it to me. But if I had to choose... diamonds. (are you guys surprised?)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
My Blueberry Nights. Hmmm seems like my cinema phase has died down quite a bit.

4. What is your favourite TV show?
Scrubs. I wish I could say something more brainy, but this is it. Honest injun.

5. What did you eat for breakfast?
Sliced fish noodles. (or whatever it translates to)

6. What foods do you dislike?
Pretty much nothing? No, serious. I have a mood for every food ;)

7. Your favourite potato chip?
Sour cream & onions.

8. What is your favourite CD at the moment?
No favourite CD. Not in music mood today.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
No car, don't drive. Yet. ( and that's a promise!)

10. Favourite sandwich?
Oooh. So many... Hmmm almost anything with honey mustard. And olives.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
The despicable ones? Too lazy to think of what I despise.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Currently, my blue dress! I've worn it twice and I only bought it a month(?) ago!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Japan? *hint hint* New York or the UK.

14. What color is your bathroom?
White?

15. Favourite brand of clothing?
Erm no favs.

16. Favourite time of day?
There's a mood for every time of the day.

17. Where would you want to retire to?
Somewhere Mediterranean-ish. Don't do cold very well.

18. Favorite sport to watch?
Don't watch sports.

19. Coke or Pepsi?
Yucks neither.

20. Are you a morning person or night owl?
A mood for every time. Damn I do repeat myself.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I made NY resolutions! But maybe I'll talk about those next time.

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
Author.

23. What is your best childhood memory?
Sitting in car at night while parents drive through Malaysia.

24. Nicknames?
Yes, but I don't see the point of publicizing them myself.

25. Piercings?
1 in each ear.

26. Eye Color?
Dark brown.

27. Favorite day of the week?
Sunday!

28. Favorite restaurant?
Too many.

29. Favorite ice cream?
Lemon sorbet.

30. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Wow. Maybe at a school registering for courses.

31. Bedtime?
Probably 5am despite my best efforts. Sigh.

32. What are you listening to right now?
Hum of the laptop that's giving me a headache.

33. How many tattoos do you have?
Zilch.

34. Next film you'll see?
No idea.

35. Tag someone?
Blah.

Ok, that was boring. Even for me.

*yawnz*

I'd forgotten how tedious & boring library research can be.

Is Starbucks McCigarettes a horrible name for a (toy) dog? Why does everyone oppose it? I happen to think it's the right and delectable mix of wanton capitalism and health-destroying narcotics (nicotine + caffeine anyone?). Maybe if I tone it down and call him Starbucks McCiggy?

and now

What I would do without LSB, I wouldn't know.

Tumultuous days

*spotlight*

Much has happened since the last time you heard from me. *gazes pensively at starry sky*

I... *gust of wind picks up*

I... am no longer the same person. *sakura petals fall*

My love... I'm still waiting for you to return... *cries solitary tear*

Anywayz, I have to assure all of you that although I sounded as if I was nursing my nth drink in an empty bar on NY's Eve, listening to mournful songs, and ignoring all the bartender's subtle attempts to persuade me to go home, this was not the case. In fact, I was at home watching random tv shows with my family and didn't realise it was 2008 until my mum burst out of her bedroom scattering NY greetings & kisses.

This has really been the season for the past. I just got a call from a PRC kid I tutored a long time ago, and he's now in Sec 3! He was only in primary school then! I was really quite fond of him, and the call quite made my day.

Happy New Year and blah

Happy 2008 blah blah blah, countdown blah, party and drinks blah blah blah. Yeah, whatever. Too old for all this nonsense.

*bad mood*

I think I'll just curl up and read an old novel and maybe everything will pass me by.

Postcards and Food

Me is quite tired.

This has been a month for long-lost friends. I got a surprise email from a friend I've lost contact with for 4? years. I got a surprise email from an ultra-elusive friend whom I've not heard from for 2? years. And I got a surprise postcard from Oslo from a friend who replies to emails with postcards. Although he's German he keeps sending postcards from everywhere except Germany (eg. Cairo, Prague). It's kind of amusing, but damn, is he on a permanent holiday? (Like me?)

Why am I helping out for a concert just because this guy who only contacts me once a year asked me? (Btw, he also asked me if I wanted to play, and I firmly declined citing overall rustiness lolz.)

I think I should stop offering my services FOC. So this is the deal, guys, if you need any more help with applications, letters, presentations, emails, interviews (you know who I'm looking at), you'll have to feed me in exchange. I demand fair payment for my services! I don't really care what type of food you feed me as long as you feed me! Food is important to me! I will keep working as long as you keep feeding me! My loyal service can be bought with food! (Pls spread the word. I'm fairly serious about this. Unless of course, you wish to pay me in dollars/gold/stock options instead.)

楊宗緯-祝我生日快樂

Argh this song gets me every single time!

shoulda known

I finished all the stuff I had to do today quite early, then all of a sudden there was nothing to do and my mind just couldn't wrap itself round the idea that there was nothing that needed to be done.

Granted, I've not been so busy that I have not been able to watch movies or shop. Far from it. But there's always something that is waiting to be done.

And then without warning, there was nothing.

So I wafted through the house like a lost spirit, feeling empty and listless, and finally settled down like a layer of dust in front of the tv. (How else could it end?)

I should have known it wouldn't last. *stress*

(Still holding up my side of the equation and hoping it'll make a difference.)

Leibniz (tbc)

Argh! I discovered another book on my table that just might be LSB's, and the explanation of Leibniz is A LOT clearer... So it appears that I had a number of mistakes in my previous post on Leibniz. Sigh.

Ok, I promise myself that soon (SOON) I'll write another one on Leibniz that I'm satisfied with.

Thank goodness most philosophers are dead, else I shall be obliged to kill them.

Leibniz

Ok, I promised myself to write this after I read up on Descartes and Spinoza. However, I've delayed for several months now, and I think it's probably because some primal, intuitive part of me screamed 'Do Not Go There!'

Oh well, no more procrastinating!

From:

- Roger Scruton's A Short History of Modern Philosophy: From Descartes to Wittgenstein, 2nd ed.
- The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy

Leibniz

The starting point: Spinoza & the individual
- Recall Spinoza's argument that individuals are mere expressions of God (modes of the substance).
- Spinoza also argued that therefore, immortality for humans means "[surviving] in part, and [dispersing] in the infinite mind of God." (Scruton, 65)
- Leibniz thought that if individuals are mere expressions of God, then they are
not truly individuals, and immortality has no meaning if the human does not remain an individual.
- Problem: how to reconcile the notion of the 'individual' with the notion of the 'divine substance'?


Ok, now let's start with certain principles first:
Principle of Contradiction
- If something is self-contradictory, then it is false
- Anything that is the opposite of the false is true.
- The Principle of Contradiction identifies truths of reason.
- Truths of reason are necessary.
- A necessary truth/truth of reason is true in all possible worlds.
- A necessary truth/truth of reason is knowable a priori by finite minds.

Principle of Sufficient Reason
- We can find no truth without there being a sufficient reason why it is so and not otherwise, even though most of these reasons can't be known to us.
- The Principle of Sufficient Reason identifies truths of fact.
- Truths of fact are contingent.
- A contingent truth/truth of fact is only knowable a posteriori by finite minds, through experimentation and investigation.
- Only God knows contingent truths a priori.
- While acknowledging the existence of contingent truths, Leibniz still wanted to base these truths on reason, avoiding 'pure' contingency.

The Predicate-in-Subject Principle
- In every necessary or contingent truth, the concept of the predicate is included in that of the subject.
- In other words, one who understands the subject perfectly would also know that the predicate belongs to it.

Ok, now we move on.

Monads
- Entities are either composite or simple.
- Composite entities are divisible and extended.
- Simple entities are Monads.
- Monads:
- are indivisible (true substances)
- cannot be extended
- can be distinguished from each other by their predicates (properties)
- can't be created/destroyed by the natural course of things -- can only be created/destroyed by a miracle
- Every monad has a Complete Notion.
- A complete notion is a complete list of its predications.
- Each monad's complete notion is unique -- while it might share some of its predications with other monads, no monad shares a complete list of predications.
- A living force (vis viva) generates monads' perceptions.
- The living force also allows us to individuate monads even if we do not know their complete notions.
- An example of a monad is the human soul.

Leibniz "rejects the dualist position that the universe must therefore be bifurcated into two different kinds of substance, thinking substance, and material substance. Rather, it is his view that the world consists solely of one type of substance, though there are infinitely many substances of that type. These substances are partless, unextended entities, some of which are endowed with thought and consciousness, and others of which found the phenomenality of the corporeal world." (S1, para. 15, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/leibniz-mind/)

God
- God is a monad.
- God is a perfect being.
- Therefore God's complete notion can contain no negative predications. (would violate Principle of Contradiction)
- God has to exist because the existent of contingent things cannot be found in other contingent things (first cause argument - God as an entity that 'carries the reason for existence within itself')
- This world is the best of all possible worlds - God being perfect, cannot create a world that not as good as it could have been.


Problem: Contingent vs Necessary Truths
- Consider the statement 'Caesar crossed the Rubicon'
- The complete notion of 'Caesar' includes the predicated 'crossed the Rubicon' (Predicate-in-Subject Principle)
- One who did not cross the Rubicon cannot be Caesar.
- 'Caesar crossed the Rubicon' is a necessary truth. (Principle of Contradiction)
- In that case, all statements that are not illogical satisfy the Principle of Contradiction, and become necessary truths.
- How do we distinguish between contingent and necessary truths then?
Leibniz:
- If Caesar's existence was a necessary truth, that Caesar crossed the Rubicon would be a necessary truth.
- But since Caesar's existence is contingent on God creating him, there is the possibility that Caesar might not have existed and therefore might not have crossed the Rubicon, and therefore, that Caesar crossed the Rubicon is not a necessary truth.

Leading to the next problem...

Problem: Divine Freedom
- Since God is by nature perfect, he has to create the best possible world.
- Therefore God has no freedom to create a world other than this world.
- If this is so, why should humans thank God for making a decision in which he has no choice?
The crux: 2 conceptions of freedom:
1. Freedom as being free from external interference - no one intervened in God's decision to create this world and therefore, God freely made this world.
2. Freedom as being free to choose one decision or the other - God would not have been able to choose a lesser world without retaining his complete perfection and therefore, God did not freely make this world.
The implications for Caesar: (this is my extrapolation, so pls pls pls tell me if something is wrong)
- That God created the best possible world is a necessary truth.
- This best possible world contained Caesar, so Caesar's existence is necessary.
- Since Caesar's existence is necessary, Caesar's crossing of the Rubicon is necessary.
- Therefore we return to the same quagmire of distinguishing between necessary and contingent truths.

[Note: Leibniz's phrase that God's motives 'incline without necessitating' means that although God's nature makes his actions necessary, but this doesn't mean his actions are necessary (as opposed to contingent - see above Principle of Contradiction and Principle of Sufficient Reason).]

Living Organisms: Mind and Body
- A living organism is an aggregate of many monads.
- "For something to be a genuine unity, it must be a simple, indivisible entity. [ie. monads]" ( S1, para.11, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/leibniz-mind/)
- Therefore while a living organism is an aggregate, it is a 'well-founded phenomena' in that it is constituted of monads (genuine entities).
- Leibniz believed that mind and body are separate, but also believed that they were created by the same sort of entity (different types of monads).
- Leibniz rejected Descartes' claim that the mind can influence the body, or that the body can influence the mind.
- Since an individual is an aggregate and not a true unity, and individual cannot have a perception/consciousness.
- Hence, Leibniz rejects any causal relations between mind and body.
- Leibniz recognizes that our minds and bodies seem inter-related.
- But he suggests that a state of mind is caused by a previous state of mind, and a state of body is caused by a previous state of body.
- Leibniz posits that at our creation, our monads (in both mind and body) were programmed to coordinate with each other.
- Hence, the appearance of causal relations between the mind and body is merely the result of God's Pre-Established Harmony of all monads.
- Because all monads evolve in harmony with each other, each monad is like a mirror of the universe.

Perception and Appearance
- Monads cannot be extended, and therefore they do not occupy time or space.
- The physical objects appear to follow natural laws of time and space, but these natural laws don't operate at the 'genuine' level of monads.
- Therefore, the appearance of the world is organised and understood in ways that don't represent the underlying reality. (Scruton)
- But the world of appearance is a by-product of activities of monads (which act according to the pre-established harmony).
- Hence, the world of appearance is not just mere appearance. It is systematic appearance, the result of the harmonious activities of monads.

Back to the Beginning
- Leibniz tries to address the problem of the disappearance of individuals.
- He ends up saying that most of what looks like a unity (an individual) is not truly a unit but an aggregate.

________________________________________________

)#(@!*^%)#@!_$#

I'm not at all sure of any of the above. I nearly killed myself trying to get this far. I left out the stuff on whether there IS a best possible world, or whether there're worlds that are neither better nor worse nor equal to each other etc.

Anyone out there, please, if I've made an mistake or if you think anything can be clarified, please please please tell me.

Suicide Club

Urgh lousy mood today.

LSB must not forget the equation! (I'll try my best to hold up my side of the equation.)

(Sorry, guys, for the corniness.)

Watched Suicide Club today, and not only am I feeling a little ill as a result, I'm also still blur about the whole movie.

Sometimes I'm wondering if arty movies are meant to have a clear, distinct message, or whether the atmosphere and the paranoia and confused fears created by the movie are more important than any message. If so, yep, got the paranoia & fear loud and clear.

And yes, I closed my eyes at all the gory parts.

Off for the weekend!

Rubber and rain

Ok, I have to confess. The last weekend I bought 2 Fossil watches (sale! it was on sale!) and a bottle of Bulgari Black.

Never mind the watches first. I would like to gloat a bit over the Bulgari, because I'm 99.9% sure that you can't find it in any of the departmental stores or the Bulgari boutiques (yes, in my quest for elusive perfumes I've stepped into super atas boutiques). Where I got my bottle I shall refrain from disclosing. Suffice to say that the sales assistant had to dig deep within the cavernous depths of the cupboard and emerged with the bottle in unadorned cardboard packaging. Yes, it's THAT difficult to find in SG. (and if it was a breeze for any of you to find it, pls don't tell me.)

I bought Bulgari Black unsniffed. The main reason I did that was because I'd scoured the polished surfaces of departmental stores for hours to satisfy my curiosity about Bulgari Black, and now that I'd finally found it, I couldn't test it (shop policy). Come on, is it not obvious already? Could I have spent hours looking for the perfume only to find it and not be able to sniff it? Could I have done anything other than buy the damn bottle? (Are you following this?)

So purchase completed, I brought my bottle home and tried it. One sniff and I hated myself. There was a weird smell, and then there was vanilla. Vanilla. *pukes*

I tried it again a few days later, and fell head over heels in love with it. It smells of rubber and vanilla. But not just rubber and vanilla. It smells like Orchard Road during a storm. Does this make sense? It smells unmistakably of Christmas shopping, the cosmetics department and plastic bags, as well as of rain and umbrellas and traffic jams (I think that's the smoke & rubber part). Does anyone get me here?

Bulgari Black smells of metropolitan angst.

(Look, I'm very proud of above phrase. The words just popped up in my mind. So pls, all you smartasses, keep derisive comments to yourself.)

I've come to the conclusion that I can only wear Bulgari Black when I'm in town and it's rainy. It somehow feels weird to wear it while I'm at home. Conclusion: it's perfect for this season.

My X-Men dreams

Human evolution is 'speeding up'

Humans have moved into the evolutionary fast lane and are becoming increasing different, a genetic study suggests.

"At the moment we are in an evolutionary interval. We are in between two storms. One storm has more or less blown itself out, the storm of farming.

"The question is whether we are going to stay in the calms or whether another great storm will start. And if there is one, I would say it is most certainly to do with epidemic disease."

Does that mean that humans are going to (ideally) become merely more disease-resistant instead of developing X-Men-like powers?

*poutz* I want superpowers!!!!!!!! Greater immunity is just not as glamorous...

Raise the red lantern - movies movies!

DAMN. I just watched Raise the Red Lantern and now I really understand why my friend was so shocked when I told her I hadn't watched it before. It's utterly breathtaking. Zhang Yimou's recent films really don't measure up. Damn. You absolutely have to watch it if you haven't yet. It's damn near perfect, really absolutely glorious.

I'm still recovering from the effects. This is undoubtedly one of the best films I've ever seen. It's hard to even think of a film that could compete with it.

Some of my recent release (ie. in the past few years) favourites include:

- Waitress
- Moliere
- Tony Takitani
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Pretty Persuasion
- the Helen Mirren one... The Queen, was it?
- the German film... Summer Storm (if anyone knows where to get the dvd for this, pls tell me. It's one of my favourites but no freaking shop in sg sells it.)
- Munich
- V for Vendetta
- Hotel Rwanda

I'm afraid none of these recent favourites can compare to Zhang Yimou's film. Well, perhaps Summer Storm. I really liked that one, perhaps partly because the dvd's so hard to get. And films like Brokeback & The Producers didn't even make my list. And no, neither did LOTR.

And as compared to the (IMO) best films of long ago...

- I seriously think Schindlers' List loses out.
- Ditto for Dr Strangelove.
- All about Eve loses out.
- (I'm sorry LSB, Duck Soup doesn't even make the list)
- All Quiet on the Western Front loses out.
- I'm afraid all the '30s, '40s & '50s musicals that I'm so fond of (don't ask. guilty pleasure.) lose out.
- I really liked No Man's Land, but no go there either.
- Paths of Glory again good, but not good enough.

The only film I can think of that can match Raise the Red Lantern would be One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, one of my favouritest of my favourites.

Then again, I desperately need to fill in the gaps. For example, Citizen Kane is long overdue, as is Clockwork Orange and Farewell My Concubine. I also think that I'm missing a good part of the 1990s & all of the 1980s... seriously, what was good from back then? Plus I've conveniently skipped some genres like horror & film noir (spare me...). Oh and I skipped The Godfather altogether. Can I do that? Am I missing something really good?

But damn. Raise the Red Lantern is a damn good film. Watch it. No number of expletives can adequately express how good it is. That's how good it is.

this interview

I'm having a horrible time with this particular interview... I can't make out half the words, and the transcript is literally littered with question marks.

But I'm developing a lot of affection for a person long dead as his brother talks about him. He's starting to become one of my heroes. This is quite horrendous, and LSB will probably laugh his head off at me. I also probably shouldn't admit such weirdness (on my part) in public.

And all the interviews have this very palpable sense of loss that is very saddening. It's strange to hear about events not so long ago, yet very distant. It also feels very weird to listen to these old men recount the past because they all seem to know each other, and it feels a bit as if I'm given a brief tour of a small, exclusive circle.

But it's all very saddening as they talk about what they should have done, and what wasn't fair, and what it was all like back then, recalling all those dear friends and colourful personalities who've now passed on. This is why I don't like history.

The onion rules

CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

WASHINGTON—In testimony before a special panel on domestic safety Tuesday, officials at the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that the U.S. may have anywhere between one and three unidentified secret admirers currently longing for the country.

"We face a new and disturbing reality: There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national intelligence.

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The first article is just funny, but the second hits especially hard.

Brief reviews

Twinings chamomile + spearmint tea -- Not my cup of tea (hehe). It's the first Twinings that I've tried and don't like. Ends up tasting like neither chamomile nor spearmint.

Golden Compass -- No harm watching, but don't go with great expectations. Never read book but book's probably much better.

Givenchy Very Irresistible EDP (for women) -- Don't like it. Maybe I don't do roses. Maybe I don't do sweet. Come to think of it, I don't like dessert wines cos they're too sweet, and I only like bitter-ish chocolate.

Korean restaurant at JEC -- Not bad, but Pepper Lunch is better. LSB thinks otherwise.

Hairbands -- Better than tiaras. I didn't use to wear them cos a friend once commented I look very '80s' wearing them, but now I've gotten over that emotional trauma. Yay!

Me Singing A Whole New World Disney's Aladdin

OMG I'm endlessly fascinated by how he can do this. Now he sounds like a guy, next moment he's got a girl diva voice. WTF... that's pretty damn amazing. And he sounds damn good too. (same guy as Part of Your World video below)

Marie Digby - Stupid For You (Original Song)

I might just have a girl crush on this person.

It's not so much that her vocals are fantastic. Not really. In this video it seems as if she can't really reach the high notes. Some of her other vocals (see the rest of her videos) are better, some are worse. It's just the whole set-up, the flowers, the cute incident with the dog, she's got a nice laugh, shitloads of talent (I like the word shitloads, don't I?), and looks quite chio.

Ok I'm really distracted and tired and I need to do work!!!!!!!

Part of your world: guy-style (or is it?)

Oh man, the dissonance... the dissonance...

perfumes

Some of you might know I've recently gone into a perfume-crazy phase.

My problem is everyone seems to hate the perfumes I really like, so I don't really want to buy those darlings because I'm sensitive to peer pressure and could never wear them out. :( (Also, I don't have the money.)

Admittedly even I think I might wither under the onslaught of some of my favourites, like Sisley's Eau du Soir.

For all my raving, currently I have only a bottle of SJP's Lovely, and a few samples (Estee Lauder's [edit: I mean Elizabeth Arden - both are Mum's perfumes to my nose & I always get confused :P] Mediterranean, Lanvin's Rumeur).

I also sometimes steal Bvlgari Pour Homme, which I bought for my dad. Maybe I should go for more masculine perfumes?

So my current daily fare is Lovely, and while I like the scent and don't regret buying it, sometimes the fragrance just lacks a bit of something for me. It's a very comforting, pleasant fragrance (even then my sisters complain about the initial spicy scent) but still I'm looking for something... else. I've the same problem with Rumeur & Mediterranean. They're all easy to wear and nice to smell but... it's just that something else.

I think I'd very much like a bottle of Prada's Infusion d'Iris, if Santa would be so kind. I tested it one day, and my entire family recoiled in horror (why? I just don't understand it...). I didn't like it that much at first, but now I can't seem to forget it.

I also want to try out perfumes with incense notes. (I know! I'm strange! Enough already!) I've always (strangely) liked the smell of incense... Incense and smoke.

As well as tea-inspired/tea-based perfumes. L'Occitane has a white tea EDT that I quite like, and I would buy, except that they only come in big-ass bottles and cost about SGD80 each. Plus I suspect that it'll meet the same fate as my big-ass bottle of Lovely - nice to smell but lacks... something. I'd like a tea fragrance that's slightly bitter and not as sweet.

There're also certain types of perfumes that I really dislike. In a moment of folly I bought Anna Sui's Dolly Girl (it was on sale! and my first ever buy!), and it gave me such a headache that I promptly dumped the whole bottle on my sis. (That was a mistake too, cos she actually uses it, and I hate how our room smells when she sprays it.) I've already figured out which notes these are. They're the bright fruity notes... the citrusy ones, all grapefruit and stuff, plus a good dose of something horrendously sweet (I haven't figured out this part yet. Maybe it's just sugar). They're the olfactory version of someone (usually myself) screeching very loudly on the highest registers of the violin.

I also don't like perfumes that are overly vanilla-ish (ok, my nose isn't particularly discerning, so I think it should be the vanilla that does this, but it could be something else in the perfume altogether). The ones that are cloyingly sweet in a vanilla-ish kind of way. eg. Givenchy's Ange ou Demon.

And I don't like the 'fresh' perfumes... The ones that are all 'Aqua' this and that. Like Davidoff's Cool Water. I don't know why I don't like these. They just smell a bit like those SGD3.90 deodorants in Chamelon or something. Not good.

So on the eve of my french exam I'm sitting around meditating on perfumes. Urgh.

someone's blog

This has got to be one of the most beautiful blogs I've seen in a long time.

(And trust me, I see many blogs.)

Fred Astaire

I stumbled on this quite by accident (I wasn't surfing youtube! I swear! Certainly not for darling Fred!), and fell right back into love again. All that tapping just messes up my heart beat and gets me all hot and bothered... sigh...

Hilarity

Ok, I just had to blog this. I was following links and ended up at the Students' Honor Association, BYU, which is apparently a private religious university in the States (where else?).

*giggles* Ok... just check them out. Just check them out man. *waves you along while giggling*

Has pornography got you feeling cornered? Has it? If it has, just stare for 30secs at this entirely non-erotic anti-pornography poster. Seriously man, if you're going to have a poster about pornography, at least have scantily dressed women on them. How else are you going to get anyone's attention?

Oh wait. Perhaps you could tell people that PORNOGRAPHY with its sleezy filth, swoops over the earth like a horrible, engulfing tide. What delicious poetry! They've got some serious literary talent there, don't they?

And remember, you must keep a close watch on your roommates at all times. Do not be caught off guard. If your roommates should show signs of degeneration, Do Not Panic. Instead, approach cautiously and inform them in a calm and firm manner that you are obliged to Keep Them In Check, and that they are to cease their bad activities immediately. Or else you'll tell teacher. Cross your heart.

irritated

My current piece of work is irritating the hell out of me, and I'm on the verge of smashing my laptop into pieces. Close to half an hour and only 5mins done.

You have no idea how frustrating it is to sit here till my butt aches and listen to the same 5mins over and over and over. Argh.

I'm also well aware that I'm well on my way to failing that stupid French test. What drives me to register for the same test year after year when I absolutely hate studying for french? (Ok, so this is only the second year. Still.) I must hate myself dammit.

Also, LSB seems to take a perverse delight in provoking me these days. He's getting too damn cocky. Just you wait, my most cherished and beloved, I'll have my revenge when I next set eyes and claws and fangs on you.

Cold

I've been reading up on Singapore's history, and I really hate it. The stuff I've read just makes me feel cold and frightened. It's not that I didn't know about all this. I did, but in a general, abstract, and therefore non-threatening way. But the more I know about the details, the chillier Singapore feels.

I don't want anything to do with something so evil and disgusting. I'd prefer not to know any of this and be content with seeing only the Singapore that has been my home for more than 20 years. Singapore is a place where my friends and family are, a place where I think I'll be living for a long time. So I don't want to see that horrendous side of this place, and I don't want this home to be tainted by knowledge of all of those horrible things.

I'll never make it as a history student, will I? I don't want anything to do with politics, ever.

Sea Fever - John Ireland

Well, here's an alternative to the usual violin/pop/rock/jazz/animals. Beautiful rendition, paints lovely picture of grey seas and windswept rugged coasts.

Battle at Kruger

Oh man, this is high drama. Plus the ongoing commentary from safari tourists is hilarious (accents make me laugh). Yes, I experienced many moments of unbearable suspense.