tired

Argh I'm too tired and brain-dead to work... I don't even know what I'm doing. I didn't quite realise how tired I was yesterday until I woke at 4am to find that I'd fallen asleep on the sofa. Come to think of it, that's something I haven't done for a long long time.

Anyway, read something that made me think. I'd like to think that I'm not someone who angers easily, but I do remember a few instances when I felt that very sharp bite of instant anger.

One instance was back in my student days, doing project work for a module. There were 4 of us, and only one girl was familiar with the topic we were working on (and it wasn't me). Let's call her X. We decided to split the presentation because we were given a couple of questions to answer, and since we were given an individual in addition to a group grade, no one wanted to take the difficult question. Therefore me being me, I took it. X, who knew the topic best, took the easiest question. Grabbed it before any of us could indicate our preferences.

Night before presentation. The other 2 girls were panicking because they didn't understand their questions, and X couldn't be contacted. Then they somehow got the idea that I was the best person to ask, and therefore I stayed up all night helping them with their questions when I wasn't even sure how to answer my own. I actually started on my own answer only AFTER I'd helped them out.

Day of presentation, everything went fine, except that the lecturer pointed out some gaps in my answer.

End of presentation, X came up to me and commented 'You didn't do very well on that did you?'

I rarely flare up, but I really really wanted to wring her neck back then. She had chosen the easiest question even though she was best qualified to take the hardest. She didn't help any of us at all, caring only about her own part. I would understand if her grades were suffering and she desperately needed to pull them up, but no, she was a Dean's Lister. Most of all, her tone of utter bitchiness, and the way she looking down her nose at me. Plain, unjustifiable bitchiness.

So after a moment of absolute stillness, I glared at her, raised one eyebrow and said 'Oh?' That was as far as it got, because the other two girls stepped in to defuse the situation. I can only imagine how tense the situation must have looked to the other two. And no, no apology or explanations or questions from X. She just walked away.

I don't think most of my friends have seen me being confrontational, largely because I'm not usually like that. Usually people just fail to offend me because I tend to assume there're some extenuating circumstances that could justify people's behaviour. Which, I feel, is the best way to live. But the few instances where I got really angry, I remember them with startling clarity, and I can't remember them without feeling horridly angry all over again. (LSB will probably know of one other incident that had a lot to do with the person I am now.) I guess I'm not the sort to forgive and forget?

*moment of introspection* I guess it's something I have to work on. *sighz*