Tolkien and fingernail moon

Ok, I have resolutely put my copy of LOTR aside, so there won't be any long meandering quotes in this entry. Rest easy.

For years now I have spoken of the 'fingernail moon', the tiny bit of moon so named because it looks exactly like a sliver of white fingernail that's just been cut from the rest of said-nail. For some reason that description freaks my friends out. But I stick to it cos I think it's better than the other image such a moon calls to mind - the sly grin of some astral Cheschire cat. Now that's freaky.

And recently, in my nth reading of the LOTR, I discovered a line that would shake my being to its very foundations. So Tolkien wrote, "a New Moon as thin as a nail-paring."

Tolkien saw the same fingernail moon! He saw the same thing! He's totally my soul-mate, and at about 330am, I SMS-ed my incredibly wondrous discovery to my friend.

How could I not have seen that line before?

I worship Tolkien, I really do. Or rather, I worship his voice. It is often sad, often gentle. It tells a tale that's often cruel, sometimes violent, but it is never itself bitter or harsh. Sometimes it is majestic and splendid and heroic, as memorably, in The Silmarillion, but it is always beautiful. It is not a historian's voice, but a bard's voice, telling tales of faraway with both poetry and loving detail.

I am so in love with Tolkien. And my fingernail moon. Though who knows, perhaps there're hordes of people who've thought the same thought. I read somewhere (I forget where) that one of the principal joys in reading is discovering in someone else's mind what one has oft' thought but ne'er so well expressed. (Ok, I'm mixing up the forgotten quote with Pope's quote on wit if my memory serves me well. Which, presumably, it doesn't.)

Nevertheless, if any of you have looked at a moon and thought it looked like a sliver of fingernail, I welcome you to join ma' man, Tolkien and myself in a somewhat strange community, whose diverse and dispersed members have shared at least one thought.

What the...

I pick up my cell. A lady asks for Elaine in an accent I identify as my friend's fake secretary voice. She's pulled that fake accent on me before, so I gloat and think to myself 'Not this time, you evil friend!'

'Yes, what is this?' I try my best to convey that I am so sick of this, and haven't you anything better to do?

'I am XX from XX bank.'

Oh oh...

'Do you have a moment now?'

I start to waver. 'Er, not really.' Still trying to sound gruff, just in case it's really my friend.

'Ok, I'll call back in the evening. Thanks.'

Oh shit.

Repeat to self a hundred times: My friends are too old to prank call me. My friends are waaaaay too old to prank call me. Dammit we're on the threshold of middle age already! Argh.

$100 laptops

'$100 laptop' production begins
Five years after the concept was first proposed, the so-called $100 laptop is poised to go into mass production. Hardware suppliers have been given the green light to ramp-up production of all of the components needed to build millions of the low-cost machines.

When cats attack

5sf - The American Beauty Experiment, Pts. 1-3

This is totally true. Totally.

Jeszcze Polska nie zginela! (Poland has not yet perished!)

Polish spirit

The Poles have got money and markets out of the EU. But they haven't got an apology. Some Germans feel that without their friendship and aid Poland wouldn't have been allowed in the club so soon. Maybe. But a long-lost brother has returned to the family home, still simmering about a past upset, when the rest of the family has made up and forgotten long ago.

A Star's Tale

As we know, many stars live far far away in the sky. If you look out your window, you will find the star whose story we are about to tell. It is the one twinkling in the top left-hand corner of your window-sky.

This star is a very old, lonely star, and has gazed down upon this earth for longer than any of us can imagine. The star remembers a time when there were no humans; it also remembers when it started to see the two-legged humans. The star recalls an age - a long one - in which darkness meant sleep and rest for humans. It recalls the recent birth of many human stars that shine as brightly as the stars in the sky, and remembers that as the human stars grew in numbers, the humans also started to wake in the night, and no longer slept as long or as often. Instead, in the light of the human stars, the humans laughed and wept and worked and danced with wild abandon. Sometimes the humans also gazed back at the star. The longer the star looked upon the distant and strange humans, the more it grew to love them, for love often grows out of memory, and the star had a long memory indeed.

However, when the sun rises each morning, its bright rays blind the star and the star can see no more, save for a brief instant in the grey light of the dawn, when it gazes its last upon the humans till night arrives again. Each dawn the star glimpses a little of the sort of life humans lead in the day - a girl packing her bag for school, a night watchman glancing at his watch, eager to be home, a bakery alive with delicious smells, roads increasingly crowded with vehicles bringing humans to places that remain unknown to the star.

As the star's love for the humans grew, so did its desire to understand the humans. What did humans do in the day, the star wondered. Why does the schoolgirl bring home sheets of paper that make her so unhappy? What family does the night watchman have? Why does the freshly baked bread disappear everyday? Where do humans go to in the day? The star loved the humans, but it never really knew them, and this made the star sad. It envied the sun, and hated it, and wished that somehow, day could come without the sun's rays, so that it could finally see its beloved humans in the day.

But the laws of nature are not like the laws of humans, which can be broken and paid for in prison-years, or even human lives. Nor are the laws of nature like the laws of children's fairy-tales. In children's fairy-tales love always triumphs, and while unfortunate events do occur, sadness is never eternal. The laws of nature cannot be broken and they care not for love or sad stars, so everyday the sun rises, and everyday the star is blinded. Hence, everyday, the star sheds tears of stardust that streak across the sky like fireworks, and the star lives in an eternity of loneliness, always loving but never knowing.

If some evening, while looking out your window, you spot that star in the top left-hand corner, stand on your toes and stretch your arm as far out of your window as you can, and wiggle your fingers. For while stars live far far away in the sky, every little bit closes the distance between stars and humans. And who knows? If you stretch far enough, you might just touch a lonely star.

Oh justice!

My layman understanding of matters of justice and law. Most of the extracts below (italicised) taken from NYT "In Steps Big and Small, Supreme Court Moved Right":

Fully a third of the court’s decisions, more than in any recent term, were decided by 5-to-4 margins. Most of those, 19 of 24, were decided along ideological lines...

Once again proving that Justice is not blind, but it certainly wears blinkers.

In its most important patent ruling in years, the court tilted away from patent owners and made it easier to find that a patent had been improperly issued for an invention that was “obvious” and therefore undeserving of patent protection.

Finally. The list of patented 'inventions' in the US is a bit too long methinks.

The court made it easier for prosecutors in death penalty cases to remove potential jurors who express ambivalence about the death penalty. Writing for the 5-to-4 majority, Justice Kennedy said appeals courts must defer to a trial judge’s decision on whether a potential juror would be able to overcome qualms about capital punishment and be open to voting to impose a death sentence. The dissenters, in an opinion by Justice Stevens that Justices Souter, Ginsburg and Breyer also joined, said this set the disqualification bar too low and would skew juries toward those most likely to vote for death.

Hmmm... On one hand a person who is, in principle, opposed to the death penalty has no place in a jury deciding whether a defendant should receive the death penalty. On the other hand, we're talking about ambivalence towards the death penalty. My gut feeling is that any person who is violently opposed to the death penalty would be disqualified without much controversy. So the question is whether this results in a tendency to disqualify those who merely feel hanging someone is distasteful (which is, I must add, the proper and normal human reaction), meaning that you end up with the probability of having a jury of rednecks who're too ready to bay for blood. (Yes yes... stereotypes! I admit!) I tend to lean liberal on the death penalty, and therefore the prospect of a jury of rednecks terrifies me. You see what secondary school Lit does to you? (I'm looking at you, Harper Lee.) I don't really know much about law (have I mentioned this already?), so I guess the answer might be obvious to the brilliant legal minds out there already. Ah well.

A deadline for filing a federal appeal could not be excused by the fact that a federal judge had given an inmate’s lawyer the wrong date, the court held in a 5 to 4 opinion by Justice Thomas.

This sucks. The poor guy is penalised because the federal judge screwed up? Punishing innocents for mistakes/crimes that are not their own sucks big-time.

Unfortunately that happens in Singapore too. I've talked a lot about the case of Amara Tochi elsewhere, so I won't say too much about this again. Suffice to say that he was put to death (killed, murdered) for bringing drugs into Singapore, even though he (almost certainly) didn't know that they were drugs. And it's not a case of a judge ruling overly harshly, or a mistake made in the sentencing (even though that would also suck). It's just the way it works in Singapore. I would encourage you to look at the section on the trial if you follow the link to the Wiki article.

What is justice and what is the law? Sometimes if you think about it, the divergence between the two is chilling.

Randoms

I hate going out in the day because the weather is too darn warm. These days I slap on sunblock on my hand, wear gloves, grab a thermometer, stick it outside my window. Is it less than 28C? Yes? Ok, now my foot can venture tentatively out my door. And EVEN if it's less than 28, if the floor burns my foot, the foot retreats. No suicidal battles to be fought with the weather!

So I tend to get home late-ish. And I don't mind really, because the sun is a Bad Bad Thing, and mid-year nights are so clear, and if you haven't noticed (people never do), the moon has been gorgeous.

BUT the one thing that is bad about getting home late is the wildlife at my place. I'm convinced it's bat mating season because at night, bats - nay, a swarm of bats has been circling crazily mere inches above the ground, and more importantly, blocking my way home! Horror! Horror!

a goblin's tale

I'm in a strange mood today, perhaps partly because I read Robert Anton Wilson's Schrodinger's Cat trilogy in one sitting without really understanding many of the references and becoming practically delirious by the end of the 3 books.

(I'm beginning to think that the sound of words is sufficient enjoyment, even without understanding of the content. Why else was I hooked on the trilogy for the better part of today when I'd already lost track of the multiple characters in the multiple plots in multiple universes smothered in multiple references?)

(Is the pure aesthetic of poetry words without content?)

It could also be because the weather is swear-wordedly warm and the mechanical hum of my laptop is irritating me and threatening to give me a headache.

I also feel an overwhelming urge to speak in italics. Which I might or might not indulge in later in this post. Let's keep you in suspense for now.

And as always, stories surface and then drown in my mind, unconnected and unthoughtof, and then resurface again. One that has been on my mind for a long time is a tale of a goblin.

I don't see the point of writing a story about a goblin since everyone knows that goblins are at best secondary characters, and are never successful in the roles that really matter - Nordic heroes or Byronic heroes or Shakespearen heroes or even vampires. Some authors have maintained that even the smallest of creatures (like hobbits) can matter, but the truth is - and we're not talking about fiction here - the smallest of creatures seldom matter in significant ways.

So I don't see the point of writing a story about a goblin.

Nevertheless.

This goblin was small, even for a goblin, and was born in a goblin village, which was ruled by Authority. Authority came dressed in a pink lace dress. The other goblin inhabitants of the village disliked Authority in principle, and went about discreetly defying Authority as best they could.

One day, Authority left the village, instructing the goblin inhabitants to behave themselves. The Majority of the goblin inhabitants formed a Group, and while the individual goblins disliked Authority, the Group claimed to uphold Authority's rule, and in fact, became Authority itself (except without the pink lace dress).

The Authority-Group decided to enforce all of Authority's rules. The rules that they enforced included those rules that individual members of the Authority-Group used to break when Authority was around. As a result of the Authority-Group, the enforcement of Authority's rules was much stricter and harsher than it used to be, when Authority was around. Many goblins were drowned or burnt at the stake for the smallest of transgressions.

When Authority finally returned to the village, the Authority-Group reported all its enforcement actions to Authority, and Authority was well-pleased. The Authority-Group then disbanded, and previous members of the Authority-Group continued their discreet defiance of Authority, seeing no contradiction in their actions.

The non-hero who is our goblin played no significant part in these happenings (as tends to be the case with the smallest creatures), but was deeply troubled by the inconsistencies he saw. The goblin decided that a Group was a strange and complex entity that was more than the sum of its individual goblins. The goblin decided that he was afraid of Groups because Groups were motivated by chaotic, unpredictable impulses and an unyielding logic of their own. Groups, he thought, were impossible to understand, and dangerous.

The goblin went on to do many other things in his life. However, as I've said before, they are not very significant. Goblins are very insignificant creatures. Goblins, like humans, are never heroes, even though heroes are sometimes disguised as humans or goblins. But that is not very important.

Strawberry marshmallows to you too!

My butt hurts very much because in an uncharacteristic burst of courage, I've been cycling (well, wobbling and squealing and just stopping short of running over people) these 2 days. If you were at ECP yesterday and you heard someone screaming 'my butt hurts' non-stop it was probably me. It's like confetti. You scatter the 'my butt hurts' as you cycle down the road, and some of it inevitably lands on the heads of innocent passers-by. Now and then you punctuate the confetti-scattering with little bits of 'sorry! didn't mean to almost run you over!' or 'help! I'm losing control of my bike!' or 'get out of my way I don't know how to ring this bell!' or 'don't cycle so close to me or I'll die!'

Oooh strawberry marshmallows... I love strawberry marshmallows. They could represent so many things. Strawberry marshmallows represent 'hello' and 'goodbye' and 'how do you do' and 'I never want to see you again'. Strawberry marshmallows are vulnerability, the feminine ideal, violence, soap operas, the earth, the essence of essence (like the mistress of the mistress or the son of the son). In fact, life-which-is-like-a-box-of-chocolates is like strawberry marshmallows. But only like strawberry marshmallows with strawberry jam filling and not the ones with yucky strawberry cream filling. Because marshmallows with strawberry cream filling don't represent anything except hello kitty and lawyers, and everyone knows that hello kitty and lawyers are not really part of life except in hell, and life in hell is nothing like life-which-is-like-a-box-of-chocolates. (Has anyone noticed how difficult it is to type with hyphens? Not that hyphens aren't pleasant creatures. Just difficult. Maybe it's a phase.) Strange isn't it, how chocolate is sinful but not hellish? But we were talking about strawberry marshmallows. Lollipops though - I don't need to say what lollipops represent, because lollipops mean different things to different people. Lollipops are subjective. On the other hand, strawberry marshmallows represent everything to everyone. Especially life-which-is-like-a-box-of-chocolates. Strawberry marshmallows are transcendental. I like strawberry marshmallows. (but not the ones with the strawberry cream filling.)

humour

My friends used to stare at me when I laughed out loud while studying.

From the BBC: "The [American] president is only allowed to serve two terms in office. He spends most of his first term trying to get re-elected and most of his second being described as a lame duck. No wonder they give him the shiny plane and the armoured limos. There have to be some perks to this job."

Isn't that funny? It's not just me right?

And

Politicians sign new climate pact
Leading international politicians have reached a new agreement on tackling climate change, at a Washington summit.

It's always sort of difficult not to feel optimistic when you get such news. Of course it's a non-binding agreement blah blah blah, but as the constructivists would say 'Non-binding? Pfft. Who cares?'

(Between, yes, I'm one of those who watched that Captain Planet show when I was young, and can still remember the song.)

Cas Haley Blows Americas Got Talent Away

Damn.

Paul sings Nessun Dorma high quality video/sound

OMG he's better than the girl.

Six year old Connie Talbot performs on Britain's Got Talent

OMG.

Dramatic Look

Amusement & Insecurity

After my last post, someone was concerned enough to refer me to a counsellor. While the thought and concern are very appreciated, I don't think I need a counsellor just yet. Give me some time. :P

Also, given that the post was about why the Marxist revolution never occured, and posited that counselling (or 'self-help' and therapy in general) was part of the reason, it was pretty amusing. A post claiming to be a 'radical critique' of (and hence resistance to) this 'hegemony' that is buttressed partially by modern counselling eliciited almost immediately an invitation to counselling...

Omg it's just too precious.

I also got a comment about that post being uber-cheem and impossible for normal people to understand.

My initial reaction: Are you trying to be sarcastic? Am I not normal? Why do you say I'm not normal? Do you think I'm trying to act cheem? I'm normal!

My 2nd train of thought: Why do I care what people think? What makes me think he thinks I act cheem? What makes me think he was being sarcastic? Is it because I'm so insecure that I feel the need to blend in with the rest? Do I need to feel accepted? Why am I acting like an angsty teenager? I thought I left all that behind! I'm an adult! All grown up! Why am I so insecure? Me? Insecure? Of course not!

My 3rd thought: I can't believe I'm being insecure about being insecure.

There you have it. The nutcase who is the author of this blog.

Spectres of Marx

There's a voice in my head that won't stop. I wish it would go away because it disturbs me even while amusing. It doesn't allow me to feel any sense of achievement, and it screams when I try to find comfort in a group. It haunts me and forbids rest... like a spectre.

--------------------------------------------

Let us go back to a hypothetical fief in the dark Middle Ages and look at 2 scenarios.

Scenario A:

A peasant works in the fields every day without rest. He is impoverished, his wife is ailing, he has lost 4 children to disease already, and his last remaining child is starving. He is unhappy because really, there is no reason to be happy. He looks at the privileges enjoyed by his lord and feels that the world is unfair.

The peasant asks his lord, "Why is it that I have to work so long and hard and you don't? I am unhappy."

The lord kicks him away.

The peasant organizes a rebellion, and even though he and many others are killed, they lend impetus to a movement that, a long time later, results in a better life for people like him.

Scenario B:

A peasant works in the fields every day without rest. He is impoverished, his wife is ailing, he has lost 4 children to disease already, and his last remaining child is starving. He is unhappy because really, there is no reason to be happy. He looks at the privileges enjoyed by his lord and feels that the world is unfair.

The peasant asks his lord, "Why is it that I have to work so long and hard and you don't? I am unhappy."

The lord tells him, "I can sense that you're dissatisfied. I cannot change the system for you, but let me refer you to a counsellor."

The counsellor is a good one, who genuinely cares for the peasant, and empathizes with him.

At the end of the session, the peasant says to the counsellor, "Life is hard, but you have made me feel better simply because you have listened to me. I have thought calmly and rationally about what I can do about my problems, and because I know there's a listening ear for me, now I feel as if I have the strength to go on."

So the peasant returns to the fields, and life goes on.

Poem for my sister

I was clearing some of my old stuff today (and there's a lot of that). Some day I shall type out some of the more embarrassing writing from my teenage years. Absolutely excruciating. I've been wondering all day whether to burn those old diaries. *shudder* At one point I dropped the offending diary and buried my face in my hands because... oh the agony! Such agony! How could I ever EVER have written something like that?

Haha.

I also discovered this poem I wrote for my youngest sis about 8-9yrs ago, and while it's no masterpiece (no false modesty here heh), it does remind me of how she was as a little kid lolz.

[Youngest sis] is a little maiden
Of about 5 or 6;
She's all the experience and certainty
That comes with age.
Mummy belongs to her, no doubt,
And Daddy does as well.
Jie jie's a slight nuisance,
But kor kor's mean as hell.
The only one who's a bit of fun
Is [2nd sis], but only when she's around.
The sun and the moon and the stars in the sky,
Doggy and bear-bear and charming lullabies
Belong to Her,
Our Queen of the World.
But she is young and pretty and dances too,
She prefers to be Princess, thank you.

2005.09.08 康熙来了 阿信 原來的我+一場遊戲一場夢+軋車+志明與春嬌

KAWAII ASHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE ASHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

五月天 JUMP!离开地球表面 - 温柔

Alas, post-concert blues :(

But never mind, to K Box it is!

Not a screaming fangirl... really!

Mayday concert:

This was my first rock/pop concert. I kept wondering where the druggies and drunkards and strippers (or the drugged, drunk strippers) were. Is no one keeping the spirit of rock and roll alive?!?!?!

I never realised how good Mayday is. The lead singer went out of tune quite often actually, but I'm amazed that his voice lasted the whole concert. Talk about stamina. Also, he's cute and so earnest heh. The guitars & drums were good too! Though they still sound better on the record. What really impressed me was how sincere they sounded. No tongue-in-cheek glibness there. I believe they might actually believe what they're singing.

But I still say we should have shouted political slogans during the less noisy intervals. I wanted to shout "中国统一，反对台独!" (trans: One China policy, oppose Taiwanese independence) but my friend didn't want to shout with me. :(

The funny thing was, at one point in the concert, they had images of Che Guevara onscreen. And at another, they had images from what I think were paintings of the American Revolution. They even had Abraham Lincoln! Talk about strange bed-partners. Communists and Americans. But I suppose the idea was resisting oppression, fighting for ideals etc, which would kind of fit into their overall theme of leaving the earth - transcending the material, searching for utopia, idealism and so on. (According to my friend they're Beatles-inspired.)

Strangely enough, while they were singing about revolution, leaving the world behind, abandoning pragmatism for idealism, they also made sure to sell their concert tickets for a very exorbitant price. They also read out the list of sponsors, and prompted the audience to cheer loudly for the sponsors. I didn't know the concert was supposed to have a commercial break. :P

So revolutionism and idealism are constantly subverted, and turn into commercialism.

I doubt many members of the audience would go home and live the ideals in the Mayday songs they so fanatically sang/screamed to during the concert.

I did a lot of screaming and singing myself, if only because I was determined not to let my money go down the drain. So for me it was a conscious decision to 'suspend disbelief', as the literature/arty-farty types would say, and participate. Besides the desire to make the most of sunk costs though, I also noticed that there was a desire to participate for the sake of being part of entire performance. I wanted to sing along so that I could be part of the music-making myself. Yet this sense of participation was more or less false, largely because I couldn't even hear myself in all that ruckus.

But the sense of participation was important. It's a sense that what you do is important to the concert. Hence they make you scream for an encore, even though they've already planned to return to the stage. They make you do silly things like jump in time, and spell out LOVE with your arms. They tell you that it's your voice that's beautiful (which, trust me, is a bloody lie). All in all your screaming and singing is not particularly important to anyone except yourself.

The whole concert looked a lot like a cult gathering. Wild-eyed people were waving glowing phallic symbols (lightsticks) to the same throbbing beat, they were screaming the same songs, they robotically performed the same motions, they stomped their feet and swayed, and they fanatically adored Mayday. No wonder there're so many associations between rock music and satanic cults. The whole thing was like a mass hypnosis. Some people even raised their hands with both palms facing out, the way I've seen Christians do in church while they're singing.

Come to think of it, lightsticks are pretty much like candles aren't they? Why do you even need lightsticks at a concert? To show that you, the individual, are here? Because it makes you feel seen? And therefore contributes to the (false) sense of participation? In the dark, without a lightstick, no one would notice you. But even with the lightstick, who sees you, the individual?

In any case, people filed out quite matter-of-factly when the concert was finally over.

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind.

- Shakespeare

Mayday Concert!

Just came back from the concert! *jumps around and screams*

More on the concert in the next post, too braindead to write my post-concert thoughts.

In the meantime, my favourite Mayday song:


生命有一种绝对

如果我　不曾走过这一遍
生命中　 还有多少苦　和甜美
那风中的歌声　孤单哽咽的声音是谁
回忆中　那个少年 为何依然不停的追

想要征服的世界　始终都没有改变　
那地上　无声蒸发　我的泪
黑暗中期待光线　生命有一种绝对　
等待我　请等待我　直到約定融化成笑颜

那生命　绚烂烟火般上演　
你和我　最后都要回归地平线
那留下的足跡　浪花沖走　回忆海岸线
靠近我　再拥抱我　请不要让我　的心冷却

等待我　请等待我　靠近我　再拥抱我
不要走　请不要走 直到約定融化成笑颜
直到我看見　生命的绝对

quotes

My friend has, of all things, asked me to find a quote to be engraved on her iPod. While brainstorming, I decided to look through my database of favourite quotes/poems.

Yeats

"Let us go forth, the tellers of tales, and seize whatever prey the heart long for, and have no fear. Everything exists, everything is true, and the earth is only a little dust under our feet."

Favourite part from one of my favourite poems:

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face..."

Another extract from beloved Yeats:

"Nor law, nor duty bade me fight
Nor public men, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death."

Tolkien & LOTR

"Out of doubt, out of dark to the day's rising
I came singing in the sun, sword unsheating.
To hope's end I rode and to heart's breaking:
Now for wrath, now for ruin and a red nightfall!"

"And long there he lay, an image of the splendour of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world.

But Arwen went forth from the House, and the light of her eyes was quenched, and it seemed to her people that she had become cold and grey as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Then she said farewell to Eldarion, and to her daughters, and to all whom she had loved; and she went out from the city of Minas Tirith and passed away to the land of Lórien, and dwelt there along under the fading trees until winter came. Galadriel had passed away and Celeborn also was gone, and the land was silent.

There at last when the mallorn-leaves were falling, but spring had not yet come, she laid herself to rest upon Cerin Amroth; and there is her green grave, until the world is changed, and all the days of her life are utterly forgotten by men that come after, and elanor and niphredil bloom no more east of the Sea.

Here ends this tale, as it has come to us from the South; and with the passing of Evenstar no more is said in this book of the days of old."

On Hamlet

"The world has grown sad because a puppet was once melancholy."

- Oscar Wilde

"In this sense, the Dionysian man resembles Hamlet: both have once looked truly into the essence of things, they have gained knowledge, and nausea inhibits action; for their action could not change anything in the eternal nature of things; they feel it to be ridiculous or humilitating that they should be asked to set right a world that is out of joint. Knowledge kills action; action requires the viels of illusion: that is the doctrine of Hamlet, not that cheap wisdom of Jack the Dreamer who reflects too much... Not reflection, no - true knowledge, an insight into the horrible truth, outweighs any motive for action, both in Hamlet and in the Dionysian man."
- Nietzsche


Misc.

"the quasi-miraculous fact that once, on this earth... walked other men and women, as actual as we are today, thinking their own thoughts, swayed by their own passions, but now all gone, one generation vanishing after another, gone as utterly as we ourselves shall shortly be gone like ghosts at cockcrow"
-G.M. Trevelyan

"The silver swan, who living had no note,
When death approached unlocked her silent throat;
Leaving her breast against the reedy shore,
Thus sung her first and last, and sung no more:
Farewell all joys; O death, come close mine eyes;
More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise."
- Orlando Gibbons

A particularly cruel and honest poem:

"People expect old men to die,
They do not really mourn old men.
Old men are different. People look
At them with eyes that wonder when...
People watch with unshocked eyes;
But the old men know when an old man dies."
- Ogden Nash

C'est fini!

My last paper! over! OVER!

It seems that every exam I take is harder than the last, because I get progressively (or regressively) lazier and more unmotivated with each exam.

Now I'm hoping really hard that I actually manage to graduate. Not just because my exams are so screwed up, but because I just remembered I have a quota of 20 seminars to attend, and I can't remember if I've fulfilled the quota....... *cries*

In other news *preliminary gloat* my maritime essay didn't do too badly after all. The reason why that's such a huge accomplishment is because by 3am on the day the essay was due, I had about 1000/6000 words, and I had to stop writing by 130pm that day.

As a sign of how screwed up the whole affair was, my paper was on the UN Convention on?of? (you see! I still don't know! and I just took the exam today!) the Law of the Sea, and I used the wrong acronym throughout the paper.

Also, for the first time in my life, I didn't include a bibliography. I was so desperate to finish that I figured since I was using footnotes my lecturer wouldn't really need a bibliography, and perhaps he might not notice the absence (I was wrong). Till now, till now, I still don't know what this course was about. I know there was lots about ships, and plenty of stuff about technology (maybe that's why I blanked out all the time during class), but other than that, the whole thing's a Soviet Union for me. (note: reference to Churchill's(?) description of the Soviet Union that I can never remember exactly, but has something to do with a mystery and an enigma and some other stuff all wrapped together like a swiss roll. Erm. Soviet roll.)

The second time in my life I excluded the bibliography was for my other term paper this trimester. (omg omg omg I'm so screwed!)

In case you don't know, for me, excluding the bibliography is a BIG thing. It's like, a most serious breach of etiquette. Like turning upon your hosts who have provided you with food and shelter from the storm and slaughtering them and feeding them to their own dogs for the kick of it. And then putting their dogs out in the rain. Not approved. Poor dogs :( *cries solitary tear*

Anywayz.

I'm just very very happy that my essay written in such a state of panicked ignorance did okay. *end gloat*

Oh and I collected the hardbound copies of my dissertation. Once again I'm too afraid to read the damn thing. I still haven't mustered the courage to borrow my honours thesis from the library (I don't have a copy. Long story.) to find out how screwed up it really was.

And now I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder what I shall do next. *ponders*

Robbie Williams - Mr. Bojangles in the Royal Albert Hall

This is Robbie Williams too preoccupied with looking cool to sound good. And also, he can't dance for nuts.

Posted here to show how Sammy Davis Jr (see http://justareed.blogspot.com/2007/05/sammy-davis-jr-mr-bojangles_23.html) is so much better.

Dog and Duckling: Best Friends

Kewt! Kewt Kewt Kewt Kewt! *goes dizzy*

Sammy Davis Jr - Mr. Bojangles

This performance makes me want to cry... *cries* I never knew the song was so sad!

I *heart* Sammy Davis Jr! The Rat Pack lives on!

Sammy Davis, Jr. on Late Night:

The Rat Pack lives on!

Muchos love, Sammy Davis Jr!

Dependence

I won't be able to sleep tonight, and I feel so horrible.

*cries*

LSB makes all the bad things go away. I want LSB now.

Misery

This is the blow-by-blow account of my misery/utter miserableness that I said I wasn't going to type, but all of you knew was going to come anyway.

I have a 6000 word paper due this Tuesday that I haven't started writing. I have a 5000 word paper due this Friday that I haven't started writing.

The Tuesday and Wednesday after that I have my 2 last exams for my course. I discovered to my horror that I have a choice of 2 out of 4 questions for the 1st paper and a choice of 3 out of 7 for the 2nd (instead of the usual 2 out of 7/8 questions). And of course if you know me at all you'd know that I haven't done ANY studying this entire trimester, and I still have difficulty remembering the names of my lecturers.

That I've finally accepted that I've lost interest in my course isn't helping.

All that is still manageable. Except for the fact that I've chosen this time to fall sick. I can tolerate sniffles, ignore fevers, suppress headaches with Panadol.

But I HATE persistent coughs with a vengeance. First, it's almost impossible to complete a sentence before being interrupted by a bout of coughing. Second, people stare at you and wonder if they should move away. Third, it's very tiring and very painful, especially when paired with a sore throat. Also, I'm unfortunately very very very prone to such coughs. They can plague me for weeks, putting me entirely out of commission. Sleep is a mercy, but I can't afford to sleep now. It'd be a joke if I failed my course now. All I want to do is to tear my throat out and stamp on it till it agrees to stop irritating me. Darn it all.

Japan and its normalization? (also, EU-Russian relations)

Japan schools to teach patriotism

Japan's lower house of parliament has approved a new law requiring schools to teach children to be patriotic.

EU-Russian talks end in acrimony

The leaders of the European Union and Russia have traded sharp criticism over human rights, at a summit that exposed the divisions between the two sides.

Miserable

I'm a total baby when it comes to falling sick. I hate it, and I become very very very miserable. Except I'm never just miserable miserable. Oh no, I'm either varying degrees of not miserable or melodramatic end-of-the-world tragic.

It doesn't help that I *thought* I got rid of this bout of whatever-it-is-that-I-have 1 week ago only to have it return to plague me this week, when I have so much work to do, and very neglected exam preparations to start on (and hopefully complete). I do *not* need another excuse to slack. But I just feel so miserable! *cries* And very sleepy...

I'm trying very hard to refrain from a blow-by-blow account of my current sickness (no pun intended!).

Oh I almost forgot! The bookshop auntie in school is ultra-nice! I went down to the bookshop yesterday during the class break, desperately looking for something to control the fever & headache cos I could feel my eyes smouldering away (hehe). Unfortunately they didn't sell Panadol (horrors!), but the auntie took 1 look at me, then rummaged through her stuff and gave me her own Panadol! For free! I love the bookshop auntie! I also love Panadol.

*miserable*

I also had another really scary nightmare, which I'm trying very hard to forget.

My favourite mailing list

I'm an invisible member on this mailing list populated by, as far as I can tell, ex-geppers. A school with all-white uniform is also strongly represented. I only read when I have the time (or when I'm too busy to have the time), but dammit some of the debates are hysterical.

Like this one on (as far as I can tell) whether 'abolishment' is as acceptable as 'abolition'.

The reason I can't tell exactly what the debate is is because there have been so many angry and lengthy emails exchanged on this weighty issue, I can't even find the original offending post.

These very very smart people have started drawing upon their very extensive knowledge of Latin, French, the evolution of language blah. I skipped all those bits because I don't know anything about any of that high-brow stuff, and I prefer to focus on the parts where they call each other morons and pedants and stupid dumb idiots.

Seems that some of the other members are slightly pissed off, but one particular mailer refuses to stop because 'he started it first!'

Yay Singapore, your creme de la creme.

Student confidence

student confidence
If state schools had more time and resources to spend trying to convince working class and lower middle class kids that they were as smart as their private/independent school counterparts, there'd be a quiet revolution in the offing.

Ditto here. There is really not much difference between kids in the different 'streams' (or have they found a new word?) in SG either.

I spend a fortune everytime I step into HMV... *cries*

My long-awaited CD has finally arrived! And is everything I'd hoped for and more! Frank Sinatra Sings for Only the Lonely! It's one of those albums that have to be listened to at one go. By mid-CD your heart has already sunk to your toes, and the whole world seems cold and... er, lonely? *sigh* And by the last track, you look up from a haze of depression and wonder why the sun goes on shining, and why the sea rushes ashore and why is my boyfriend so busy he never has time for me, and why am I so wholesomely blue...?

And the grey clouds don't part after that mind you. I bought an album by Tony O'Malley that was playing in the store even though I've never heard of the artiste before. It helped that the oh-so-friendly guy at the store commented/asked with a glint in his eye: 'you like that CD, don't you?' I love guys who say 'don't you?' with a definite eye-glint!!!!!! Hehehe... Anyway, it was impossible to listen to that CD after Sinatra. Firstly, the 1st track on the album was Autumn Leaves, and the guy's french cannot make it lar. Second, he doesn't sing as well as Sinatra. Third, it was too damn upbeat for those grey clouds hanging around, and we don't want to offend those grey clouds. DO WE?

(do we?)

I should know better than to buy CDs just because of random cute guys I meet. Tsk. In any case I couldn't sit past the 2nd track of O'Malley, and haven't even started on the pop Bocelli album I bought for my mum. Back to good ol' blue eyes and heavy sighs.

And I was going to look for something by Leontyne Price at HMV, but the moment I stepped in the store I forgot her name. Of course the moment I got on the bus home I remembered. Damn my memory! And damn my memory again!

Doll Face

Funny how a video like that can end up being so pretty.

Poor poor poor poor me

Someone told me my posts are getting boring. :(

That same friend who probably passed me enough germs to take me out for the whole of today, which prompted this mother of all boring blog posts.

Now excuse me while I go bury my head under a blanket and pray that the world stops turning.

Panadol

I have a headache, so I take out my trusty box of Actifast Panadol. (Joyce note!)

LSB notices, runs over, and asks in a whisper: Are those menstruation panadols?

So smooshy! Hahaha...

Oh and stinky beetle alert in my house! Everytime someone shouts stinky beetle, we all disperse. No one wants a stinky beetle in their hair heh. We're cute right. :P

Satan and immigrants

Convention ends with Satan and immigrants

Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants.

...

Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as "Joe," said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."

Ok.....

Chris Daughtry - Hemorrhage

Oh I remember this guy from American Idol too. And this specific performance. (Music starts 01:12)

Though I don't listen to much rock, I seem to remember the rockers very well. Perhaps it's because it's difficult to listen to rock on the record. You sorta have to pair rock music with the performance. Or maybe it's just me.

Sighz. When marking so many scripts it's really tempting to just give a random grade. All the exam scripts are not that different, and it gets so mind-numbing. I keep having to take long rests to remind myself to grade these things seriously.

Constantine Maroulis - Bohemian Rhapsody

Yes I watch American Idol. *guilty*

And I actually remember this performance from I-dunno-which-season.

I also remember Kellie Pickle, but for absolutely the wrong reason. *shudders* Talk about making a virtue of being dumb.

Postcard from Prague!

I spent the whole day sleeping and woke to find a postcard from Prague on my table. It's from a friend I met three years ago... He was a German medical student in Singapore for some medical stuff (yes yes ignorance), and I showed him around. I didn't really spend much time with him (only about 2?3? days), but we've corresponded through email since then. Unfortunately his email has been bouncing for more than a year now, and I haven't been able to get through to him. And postcard? No return address.

But damn he does get around. Some months ago I got a postcard from him and back then he was in Egypt.

And it's incredibly sweet that he still sends postcards 3 years later! So smooshy! I can't believe that he still remembers me and bothers to send me postcards. His postcards have a fortunate tendency of arriving when I need cheering up. Of course they also distract me from my work, but at least it's a happy distraction. *does happy dance*

Pre-work complaint

Both my violin teacher and I are getting increasingly frustrated. My pieces are getting nowhere, and we're getting close to snapping at each other during lessons. My exam's in August, and I'm seriously unprepared for it.

The thing is the pieces are getting much harder, and I'm getting a lot busier. I know it's not as if I don't have time to practise per se... It's just that practising the violin is the one activity that requires all my concentration, and therefore it is the one thing that makes me truly tired. A serious practice burns me out for at least half the day. I'm not used to concentrating so much on anything.

I have a lot on my mind now, and while I really like playing the violin a lot, and I want to pass the exam, the amount of time and effort I have to put in for this is disproportionate to the importance of passing. It's just an extra source of stress that I don't need right now. The thing is my violin teacher is understandably concerned, and I don't like the thought of flunking either. All that time and money.

Sighz I guess I'll just have to make a mid-year resolution to practise daily. At least give myself a shot.

And while today was horrendously unproductive (because I spent hours waiting for my friend to wake heh) at least I had some time and space to recover from the foul mood I was in. It's been a long time since I spent any amount of time doing absolutely nothing. In truth, I'm kind of sick of being glued to my laptop. It's tiring communicating (MSNing) non-stop.

Lollipops make you happy. :P Let's see how much marking I can finish tonight.

Sammy Davis Jr. and Carol Burnett sing Every Showtune Known

How cool is this?

Hero

Let me just remind you how much I'm in love with violinist, Jascha Heifetz. (Yes, I tend to crush dead people.)

And I just realised who Heifetz reminds me of. Sherlock Holmes.

For those who know me, everything should be clear now.

For those who don't, Sherlock Holmes = Elaine's childhood hero.

The funny thing is, Holmes played the violin too! So watching Heifetz play (see this post) results in a strange mental conflation of 2 uber-cool and talented personalities! *excited* I keep expecting Heifetz to turn around to say something to Watson!

I should stop acting like a teenager.

Sherlock Holmes did drugs too, and he's probably the reason why till now, I'm still not violently opposed to a little experimentation. Though I should also say that I've never done drugs, and have never been involved in any illegal drug-related activities. This is Singapore people, I'm not that dumb. But they should get Sherlock Holmes off the bookshelves heh. All those impressionable kids.

Sherlock Holmes is also the reason why I always count the number of steps when walking up/down a flight of stairs. It's really become a habit. Sighz. I love Sherlock Holmes. *cry*

I'm still procrastinating the marking, largely because I feel so overwhelmed by the task. I've never seen so many exam scripts before!

horror

transcendental horror: kant avec lovecraftThe 'frightful position therein' that Lovecraft speaks of is the revelation of a psychic nightmare – or rather the nightmare that is the psyche. But this is not the end of the story. If it were merely a question of unearthing the dark matter that coalesces in dark pockets of the mind, we could turn almost anywhere for help: psychoanalysis, literature in general, comedy, the pub. But this is not just about us. In fact, it's not about us at all. The 'terrifying vistas of reality' all point in one direction: that we don't matter one jot. Between science and the Old Ones, in this universe and all of the others, the same indifferent blankness greets us again and again. Just get on with it and expire, humans!

LSB should be interested in this heh.

It also reminds me (though imperfectly) of Tennyson's In Memoriam.

STRONG Son of God, immortal Love,
Whom we, that have not seen thy face,
By faith, and faith alone, embrace,
Believing where we cannot prove;

Thine are these orbs of light and shade;
Thou madest Life in man and brute;
Thou madest Death; and lo, thy foot
Is on the skull which thou hast made.

Thou wilt not leave us in the dust:
Thou madest man, he knows not why,
He thinks he was not made to die;
And thou hast made him: thou art just.

Thou seemest human and divine,
The highest, holiest manhood, thou:
Our wills are ours, we know not how;
Our wills are ours, to make them thine.

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see;
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Right now horror for me is 230 exam scripts, and oh, what horror!

Random links

China aims to tame Internet and spread party lineBEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday launched a campaign to rid the country's sprawling Internet of "unhealthy" content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine, state television reported.

Seeing through walls
Have you considered that someone could be reading what's on your monitor from a few rooms away? It's unlikely, but possible, as work by Cambridge University computer security researcher Markus Kuhn shows.

For someone who's such a tech idiot I sure read a lot of technology news...

Surveillance

Has anyone noticed how people like to make funny faces/wave at security cameras? (Ok ok! I like to do that too!)

Sometimes it feels like a type of resistance/bravado. Even though we cannot control our being watched, we can attempt to take control through our knowledge of that surveillance, and through our belittling of that surveillance. Instead of reacting with fear and caution (we cannot do this and that because someone is watching), we react with light-hearted amusement/humour (hey there! you looking at me?). We even react with cordiality, as if to humanise the security camera. We act on the assumption that instead of a mechanical device, it is a person looking at us, and we act as if that person is a friend/friendly stranger. Instead of treating the security camera as part of a system of surveillance, we treat it (or at least the surveillance it represents and implements) as one person. Having no choice in our surveillance, we attempt to down-size the scary, systemic situation of surveillance into a more familiar and relaxed inter-personal interaction.

Btw, the above is also my call for help. Translated, it says: Please give me something to analyse other than international relations!

The Dead

It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.
- James Joyce

Travel

All of a sudden I feel like travelling. Partly because there was some stupid Korean show on tv that had a few scenes in Lucerne, partly because my dearest friend attempted to get me to go on a trip to Europe with her.

People keep trying to get me to travel with them lolz. Do I look as if I'm a good travelling companion? Haha... Unfortunately because I'm so cheapskate I can never muster the determination to part with my money. But it seems that when I finally decide I want to travel, I'm merciless with my expenditure.

The itinerary my friend showed me reminded me of my Europe trip, and omg I miss Lucerne so much. No matter how touristy or expensive it is, there's no denying how incredibly beautiful that place is. Actually, each place I visited on that trip was breathtaking, but right now I miss Lucerne. :P The lake! I went on a cruise on that lake, and yes, it was very very very cold, but the scenery is to die for. Sunset over the lake! Incredibly INCREDIBLY beautiful. And peaceful. If any of you're interested I'd be more than happy to show you pictures. (Somehow my laptop refuses to let me post pictures.) I'm this close to organising a post-graduation Europe trip. Anyone interested? But before you guys jump at the opportunity to travel with me (*wink*), bear in mind that by tomorrow I'd probably have changed my mind. I'm a very poor student after all heh.

But you know, if there're any REALLY cheap packages to Lucerne... I wouldn't mind Italy either, even though I've been there twice already, and it's probably going to be freaking warm there at this time of the year. The streets of Florence! *cry* And Venetian masks! Gondolas and cathedrals! *sobs* The Salzburg cemetary! (I know it's strange to miss a cemetary, but dammit their cemetaries ain't our cemetaries.)

Omg I miss Lucerne so much. Even their ducks are prettier. What would I give for a ticket to Switzerland right now. Why is it that Europe is so bloody effortlessly pretty? What would I give to fly off right now?

Bored

I just discovered my handphone's able to play music! I'm so thrilled! Ok, so I should have found out before I bought it, but I never really bother about the features... as long as I can call and sms using my handphone it's good enough for me. And I never pay for my phones. I don't see the point of paying when I can get them free heh. So I usually walk into the shop, look at the free phones, and pick out the best of the lot.

I'm a bit bored. Today was supposed to be my LSB and violin day, and I spent some time with both, but I actually spent most of the day sleeping. Now I feel as if I've got nothing to do. I should study, but no one's really free to study with me, and I can't get started on my own.

So that's why I'm writing an incredibly boring post for the world's consumption.

I had a really romantic 'date' on Sun with one of my many LSB surrogates! What with perfume shopping, chocolate sipping, candlelight dinner (by proxy) and long walks on the roof of the esplanade heh.

Oh and my perfume! *excited* I love perfume!

Perfumes

I swear I'll never buy an Anna Sui perfume again. The scent is cloyingly sweet and I've got a huge headache from it.

If anyone wants to buy me Lanvin's Rumeur, I'll treat you to the spectacle of me sniffing my wrists non-stop in public heh.

Also, I'm using my old number (my hp should be in use by Sat), but I still need all your cells, so pls send them to me via MSN/email/SMS. And my new Sony Ericsson phone, while cute, is horrendously unfamiliar.

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

And today's almost over

I lost my handphone! :( And stood my friend up because I don't remember people's hp numbers haha... Sorry sorry! But people, pls give me your numbers via MSN or email. Merci!

But apart from the handphone loss (it's the 1st time I've ever lost my handphone), it was a pretty good day.

I discovered that camomile tea goes REALLY well with lavender chocolate mousse! It's a discovery comparable to my rosebud tea + green tea mooncakes (with traditional crust) discovery!

Hmm actually I didn't do much today. But I'm still in a relatively good mood, considering that I've lost 1 of my 2 main means of interpersonal communication (the other being MSN). Damn the person who stole my handphone!

Freedom!

Yay I'm rid of that horrible thing that I handed in yesterday, and I shall not think about it again! Not even about the part where I added something 20mins before I handed in and totally regret it! No I shall not think about it at all!

Also, I shall not think about how I handed in that horrible thing without proofreading at 12nn cos I had to prepare for a presentation for a class at 2. The presentation didn't go too badly though, cos I did my best to act cute while presenting, which totally excused my ignorance and lack of preparation.

And now I'm in the Very Rare Situation of having at least 1.5 weeks with no deadlines! No pressure! Free time!

So I'm thinking of what I should do today. I'll have to stop by school to settle some admin details. And after that? I could go to the library and borrow something I REALLY want to read (and pay my fines). Or I could go to somewhere n grab a spot of tea and listen to my music and read. I could go out and take a walk, but it looks about to rain, and I already walked from Citylink to Somerset yesterday. Or I could go by a music shop and buy loads of CDs again! even though I bought a CD yesterday! Or I could come home and practise my violin! And my piano! And surf the net! Or I could go exploring somewhere! Oh yeah, and buy books! Loads of books! The possibilities are endless! I'm so happy!

One of the happiest days of my life was the day before the final results for my undergrad were released, and being utterly convinced that this was the last day of my happiness, I made damn sure that I would thoroughly enjoy that happiness. So I woke early, grabbed breakfast from a bakery, and then sat on the Esplanade roof at about 8 to eat and read. And then I went to the library, and then walked up the river to go to Liang Court to get my watermelon ice-cream! And it was at Liang Court that I discovered the Japanese peaches selling at 5 for SGD100+! I was really tempted to buy them, but covinced myself that I needed money to prepare for life after happiness heh.

Blues music is so fun! and slightly sexy and cheeky. At least the CD I'm listening to now. I need to diversify in music. Maybe I'll drop by some music shop, close my eyes, and pick a CD.

*yawnz* It's raining, and I've tired myself out by being so excited. Maybe I'll just spend the day sleeping.

Hey, maybe I could go to a museum today! *rubs hands in glee*

But I think I'll sleep hehehe.

4am Tues morning

I've got a dissertation (I mean, THE dissertation) & a presentation due Wed, and I haven't done any work in the 10hrs I've managed to remain awake.

I think the problem with me is that I know that as long as I'm not looking for perfection, I could finish both even if I started tomorrow evening. Theoretically. Assuming everything goes well. Of course I'd compromise my grades, but who cares about grades?

Speaking of which, it is only now that I'm involved in the grading process that I've realised how difficult it is to do well in university. I really don't know how I got through my undergrad, considering that I used to give up the 20% (or more) participation grade by skipping classes all the time. What the hell happened back then? It was like there was a lucky star shining over me and I never noticed. I feel like a miracle baby.

Please get me to work. Somebody. Please.

Babies

Check this out for the funniest kid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVDGu82FeQ.

I've been watching it over and over, and if I ever had a kid like that I'd spend all day making fun of him and laughing. Which was what I did to my sister when I was younger, because oh, it's so funny when she cries. *evil laughter*

My mum was just reminding the other day of what must have been the climax of my life. When I was about 1+, my mum was reading me my favourite storybook about a girl called Jenny who broke her arm and had to be sent to the hospital. And then she gave my arm a playful tug.

Now please, I'm relying entirely on an eyewitness account here, but apparently I started crying that my arm was broken, and my mum believed me. (1st-time parents' syndrome) She took me to the GP downstairs, and the wonderful doctor that he was, he sent us over to the hospital, where many bouts of tragic weeping and screaming and futile attempts to get me to sleep and 1 x-ray later, they discovered... no broken bone. In the meantime, my mum had called my grandparents in Malaysia, and my dad had rushed over from work.

In defence of the panicked adults around me, apparently I'd cradled my arm and refused to let anyone see or touch it. So perhaps it was a bit hard to figure out what was happening until I got the x-ray. But still.

Omg I was evil, wasn't I.

Damn, it all went downhill from there.

And speaking of downhill, I still have to mark this load of essays, and I know someone famous said something to the effect of: the parts that are original aren't good, and the parts that are good aren't original. Save me.

Updates

(now she's feeling lost)

I straightened my hair (permanently, at least till the hair grows out), and now I feel I've lost all personality. Yes people, the personality was in the hair. Now it's all gone.

(now she's feeling happy)

My supervisor told me 'Good work!' (after which he gave me a whole list of suggestions, but never mind.) Yay! *does happy dance*

*reminds self* Ok now, you've got to stop living for the approval of others! *mutters to self neurotically*

(now she's feeling grumpy)

Stupid undergraduates can't hand in an essay on time. ARGH.

(now she's amused)

Found in a student essay: 'You simply do not spank an adult.' Uh-huh. Education still incomplete.

I need to mark essays!

(flounces off)

All You Need to Know About Me

If you really want to know who I am, don't read this blog. Just go ahead and look at this: http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html. It just boggles my mind how accurate this stuff is. If I wore a t-shirt with that url printed on it and walked down the street, people would scream and tell me 'Your Insides Are Showing!'

The drive to understand things that are not yet understood is a very powerful force in the life of an INTP. Where the Ti preference is strong, this drive can override the experiential element so strongly that the INTP will become quickly bored with anything that he has successfully analysed to the point of understanding it. Once understood, it has nothing left to offer, once the satisfaction which comes with achieving the goal of understanding diminishes. Indeed, most primary interests of an INTP are things which he cannot fully understand, usually because they are highly complex or have some exotic, mystical element that does not yield to analysis.

This is SO why I'm not going to do a PhD in International Relations, even though I was totally counting on that, and now I have no idea what to do with my life.

The INTP enjoys speculating about how a news item (for example) might be received by other people or how a point of view might offend certain types of people and be supported by yet other types; but to have a point of view of his own rarely seems relevant!

Totally! I hated it when for a course, I had to take a position on every class reading. WTH spare me.

If an INTP decides to learn a skill, then it is very important for him that he reaches a sufficient level so that basic errors can be avoided. Errors made by others are to be expected and can be criticised. But errors made by oneself attack the very root of the person, which is ultimately about rationality, logic and truth. INTPs hate to think of themselves being in any way inadequate, at least in areas that are important to them. So, as soon as he puts himself behind some task, then he must achieve competency. But that is as far as it goes. Refined competency requires too much effort and has little attraction. It would require practice and that usually bores an INTP.

Oh definitely, so definitely. See http://justareed.blogspot.com/2007/03/violin.html.

To know is everything, to do is a lower order necessity, if it is necessary at all. This breeds the potential for lazy aloofness. The INTP is often satisfied simply by knowing that he could do something if he wished.

Did I say SO me?

If you see someone smirking and laughing at some private thought, without any obvious reason, he's probably an INTP.

Actually, it's probably me. And I'm a she.

The source of the unease is simply the feeling that a planned schedule inhibits and robs the INTP of freedom. It is also a subordination to the plans of others which the independent INTP resists. Faithfully helping others is not a problem, however, but he must feel in control of his decision to subordinate or not.

Which is why I'm DREADING a 9-5 job. Can you imagine going to the same office at the same time for YEARS on end?

The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints.

You've no idea how many times I've gotten into trouble because of this. I always shoot my mouth off in class discussions on a point that I don't necessarily believe in, and I always get attacked for that. But it's the balance you know. If everybody agrees on something, then someone has to look at alternatives (no matter how ridiculous) and raise them.

Indeed, INTPs are often glad when someone else takes over the lead, again providing the leader is of the same mind. An INTPs ideal is to provide all the ideas for a project and have a charismatic leader, who agrees with him, carry them out.

Yes yes, and again, yes.

The one thing that will force an INTP to tidy his home radically, even when alone, is when the clutter eventually gets in his way and hinders some activity. Often, however, the offending objects will merely be moved into another corner where they can spend some more weeks being invisible.

Has anyone seen my room recently? And did anyone know that about the only time I clear my room is when I have to write a big paper and All That Mess just pisses the hell out of me because suddenly I can't find my notes, and there's no space left on my table for me to work, and What The Hell I can't get wireless in my room, which has always been the case, but Really Pisses Me Off Now? And hell, it doesn't matter if I only need to clear my table to work, I'll clear the whole damn room so this never (haha) bothers me again! Which is why I tend to be stuck clearing my wardrobe and sweeping my floor when I'm supposed to be rushing a paper.

However, the greatest fears of an INTP are usually ideas generated within his own mind. The problem is that the Ti-Ne axis is capable of conceiving very unpleasant ideas, which may be far from reality and even irrational. Ideas and possibilities assume so much importance in the mind of an INTP that they can override a common sense factual grasp on reality.

Oh yes. Tell me about it.

In other news, within 24 hrs, LSB has called me adorable, cute and capricious. I particularly like the last, and would appreciate if he now addresses me as 'my capricious little one' (CLO). But I don't mind generous sprinkles of 'cute' and 'adorable' either.

..................................................

Edited:

Oh wow, what do you know. Everybody seems to know exactly what kind of person I am. http://www.typelogic.com/intp.html

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition

One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context.

In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgement and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured.

Just one thing? No Maths. I do wish I was good at it, cos I think it's really cool to be a Maths genius. But no, I'm not good at it.

Eternity

I'm hell-bent on finishing the dissertation by today. Even if it means overlooking the serious flaws and logical fallacies. I just need to get something out. Right now. Even if I don't sleep. Even though I'm also watching endless episodes of Scrubs. But never mind that.

What I don't get is why at this moment, 5am in the morning and nowhere close to finishing the godforsaken dissertation, I'm wondering how the hell anyone's supposed to have eternal life/experience eternity. Cos I won't have lived for an eternity till I've lived until the end of eternity, but if I've lived until the end of eternity, then I wouldn't have lived for an eternity cos eternity has no end. Right? Unless by eternity you mean the absence of time. But my poor mortal brain can't envision living without time (or deadlines, for that matter). I mean, without time, how do you... move? Or do anything? And without time, how can you have eternity? Isn't eternity supposed to be endless time? I'm sure physics has some answer to this, perhaps something to do with curved time-space or black holes or... you know, whatever.

It's like, I don't think any of us knows what true eternity or true nothingness is. I really don't know what infinity looks like. If there's such a thing. And you know, when I think about the universe (on the rare occasion that I do think about the universe), I get a little confused. Things I've figured out: the universe is like, really big. It's got plenty of stuff in it. But then, what's outside the universe? More stuff? But what's beyond that stuff? Or maybe outside the universe there's nothing? But then how can something exist within nothing? Or maybe the universe is all there is? So it's like, never-ending? Or maybe it wraps around itself infinitely (that word again!)? Like a roll of cloth that never ends? Or maybe the concept of space doesn't make sense when talking about the universe? Or perhaps everything is just a nothing that has expanded? So actually, everything is just a very big nothing? Does any of this make sense? I don't know man. It's strange to think that there's something out there so big, something that we don't really know much about (well, I don't know much about). Hell, I shouldn't even be thinking about this.

Kiwi!

Another panicky email to my supervisor

Hi Sir,

I figured I'd better give you an update on the dissertation.

I was hoping to give you the draft by Wednesday, but I'm having some difficulties.

I'm increasingly worried about the word count. The last section on post-Cold War ASEAN is taking up a lot of space. I'm worried about putting in enough details for this section, but I'm also concerned that the sections on the rules & institutions of international society are too superficial. As it is, I think I've exceeded the word count already, but I'm not done writing the last section, and I still haven't expanded the earlier sections.

Also, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile the logic of a minimalist international society (a la Bull) and a discussion of the difficulties faced by ASEAN. I think the main probem is that Bull's international society is both global and minimalist, and is not easily translated to the regional level of analysis or to the study of regional institutions.

If ASEAN collapses this does not mean a collapse of global international society. If ASEAN collapses does this mean an end to Southeast Asian international society? Prior to this we'd made a distinction between the Association and regional international society, but does this not mean that there must be a definition of Southeast Asian international society that is independent of ASEAN? If so, what defines Southeast Asian international society? If ASEAN is merely an expression of regional international society but not constitutive of regional international society, then the decline of ASEAN is not automatically equivalent to the decline of a minimalist Southeast Asian society, even though it might indicate problems with this regional society. But if my focus is on explaining regional international society, then isn't my discussion of ASEAN a bit off the mark?

I don't think it's impossible to use Bull to understand Southeast Asia. But I have a bad feeling that I need much more space to translate Bull's ideas to the regional level. Am I thinking too much into it?

Sorry for another long email! Thanks!

Regards,
Elaine

Rainy nights

I can't play my Corrinne Bailey Rae on my MP3. Stupid content-protected CDs.

But this was on my MP3 tonight:

Rainy Night in Georgia
Brook Benton

Hoverin' by my suitcase,
Tryin' to find a warm place to spend the night
Heavy rain fallin', seems I hear your voice callin'
"It's all right."
A rainy night in Georgia,
a rainy night in Georgia
It seems like it's rainin' all over the world
I feel like it's rainin' all over the world

Neon signs a-flashin',
Taxi cabs and buses passin' through the night
A distant moanin' of a train seems to play a sad refrain
To the night
A rainy night in Georgia,
such a rainy night in Georgia
Lord, I believe it's rainin' all over the world
I feel like it's rainin' all over the world

How many times I wondered
It still comes out the same
No matter how you look at it or think of it
It's life and you just got to play the game

I find me a place in a box car,
so I take my guitar to pass some time
Late at night when it's hard to rest
I hold your picture to my chest and I feel fine
But it's a rainy night in Georgia,
baby, it's a rainy night in Georgia
I feel it's rainin' all over the world, kinda lonely now
And it's rainin' all over the world...

The song brought back a sharp memory of how just 2?3? years ago I used to play this CD while lying on my bed, waiting for sleep. I haven't done that for a while. Nowadays I either fall asleep on my sofa or stumble into bed, too tired to care. These days my head is filled with so many thoughts (mostly frivolous), I'm a bit tired of the mental chatter going on up there. A thought chases upon the tail of another thought that I'm barely done with; I'm like a whirlwind of words.

I walked home tonight - yet another thing I haven't done for a while - and bought a beer on the way. It's a slightly chilly night (for Singapore). I'll have class early tomorrow.

Suddenly I feel incredibly tired. I think I'll take a hiatus from blogging. 'scuse me while I disappear. Just for a while.

Recovering from religion

I stumbled across this very interesting site - Islam Watch: Telling the Truth about Islam. It seems it is a site by ex-Muslims who have become disillusioned with Islam, and are now claiming that it is a false religion.

A few disclaimers first, just in case there're any online vigilantes who might love to get me into trouble. This is Singapore after all, and multi-racial, religious tolerance etc etc... First, I know next to nothing about religion, and therefore I do not pretend to make any authoritative statements about any religion. Second, I don't endorse the opinions expressed on the site hyperlinked above. In fact, I'm highly suspicious of the credentials of the site. I randomly clicked a link on the page, and was brought to a poorly written piece by Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America. Okay... Needless to say the article was almost entirely about us good Americans needing to carry guns to defend ourselves against these crazy jihadists who could appear anywhere, anytime.

Nevertheless, I'm not slamming the entire site just yet, because I don't really have time to explore the site thoroughly right now.

But Islam Watch reminded me of Recovering Christians, another site I used to frequent. It seems as if every religion has its share of rebels. However, Recovering Christians seems a lot more moderate, and publishes contributions from Christians. The entries there are also less driven by current events (unlike Islam Watch, which is overly preoccupied with terrorism issues & Iraq), and thus comes across as more reflective and introspective. Also, there seems to be more of a debate on Recovering Christians. Islam Watch's shout of 'turn away from this false religion!' however, is practically deafening, and much less palatable.

Woman, fall not in love

I know it's bad form to gush about your relationship online, but since this is a sort of irritable, anti-gushing complaint, I'll make an exception.

I don't know what it is about relationships that turn otherwise sane, rational, normal, grown-up (ok I know that blogthings quiz said my real age is 15) women into psychotic, dependent, neurotic, paranoid lunatics.

I was in a horrendous mood today, the kind of mood that turns me into a cross between rabid dog and frazzled, paper-pushing bureaucrat - constantly furious, likely to bite, obsessed with details and prone to bossing people around. Then just because LSB did the smallest of things, I was suddenly insanely happy, and all was fine with the world.

I won't even say what it was because it's really too embarrassing to admit that something that silly could stop me in my frothing, raging tracks. Not even on this blog, which has become the biggest liability to my good reputation. (oh wait, I am the biggest liability to my good reputation.)

And then there're these other times where his disproportionate influence over me sends me reeling in the other way, and storm clouds gather, the ground shakes, rain pours, and I'm all melodramatic tragedy, and my life is an amalgamation of the best korean soaps.

I just don't know what men do to women. It's crazy, you know. It's like he's the wind and I'm the windvane. He's the temperature and I'm the thermometer.

... ok, I'd better stop here now. *embarrassed* You can guess what kind of love poems I'd come up with.

You have no idea how frustrating this is. Is it just me? Am I unschooled in the art of boyfriend management? Is there a training school I can send him to? Or is there some code of conduct that he needs to adhere to in order to maintain a healthy, normal girlfriend? Should I just kick him until he stops messing with my mind?

Violin

Just finished watching a documentary, The Art of the Violin.

I started the violin unforgiveably late (I shall always blame my parents for forcing me to take up the piano instead of the violin), when I was 19. I remember when I first started, I was a voracious learner. For about a year, I wanted to learn everything straightaway - shifting, double-stops, vibrato... everything. I borrowed books on the history of the violin, playing techniques, music theory, all of which I've forgotten, because I've got a horrendous memory.

But even during this period, when I was the most fascinated by this instrument that was so different from the piano, I practised a maximum of twice a week. Because that's the kind of student I am. I hate practising, and I get deathly bored if I have to spend too much time on one thing. Some might call it lazy, but I prefer 'easily bored'.

Which is why I'm half-convinced I'll never survive a PhD, even though the idea of studying still appeals to me. But let's leave that bit of angst for another time.

I'll never be any good at the violin, but that's precisely why I feel like going out and buying a stack of cds right now. Because I know I'll never be able to produce that kind of music, the only way I can own that sound is to buy it.

Efficiency

I wrote a long email to my supervisor yesterday afternoon, with my draft attached. He replied today at about 5pm. He'd read through my entire draft AND my email, AND gave me a pretty detailed rundown of what he thought.

The efficiency just boggles my mind. I'm the most inefficient person I know. I ALWAYS procrastinate. Always. I just don't understand efficiency. I seldom miss deadlines, but I never finish my work before the deadline either. I'm dazzled by my supervisor's efficiency. He's such a wonderful supervisor! I'm so excited about efficiency!

Even though I've received a ton of essays to mark, I haven't touched a single one. And I've had them for weeks! My supervisor would have finished marking them a long time ago. Shame on me!

Once newly dead

Amara Tochi to be Hung at Dawn

Yet this particular case more than others caught my attention, for a simple reason: Amara Tochi was sentenced to death for drug trafficking. Yet he might not have even known that he possessed drugs on his person.

In fact, Justice Kan noted in his findings that "there was no direct evidence that he knew the capsules contained diamorphine. There was nothing to suggest that Smith had told him they contained diamorphine, or that he had found that out on his own".

That leads us to a troublesome and haunting question: can you be sentenced to death for drug trafficking without even knowing you were in possession of drugs?

I've only just read this blog entry dated 25 Jan 2007, and hence did not know about this case until more than a month after the event. So this guy's probably been dead more than a month already. I don't even have to search for updates on the case to know this because if Singapore decides on the death sentence, no pleas or appeals of any sort could make any difference.

Just for the record, I don't approve of the death penalty, and I feel inexplicably guilty that I did not know about this death till long after the event.

And why am I surfing the net when I've got 4000 (ok, now 3500) words more to go by 5pm today? I don't know really. I'm starting to feel bored with my course of study and beginning to think my interests lie somewhere else. (and this is not just dissertation angst speaking) This is, of course, disastrous.

But you know, academic woes somehow pale in comparison to larger troubling issues like the state's willingness to kill without convincing proof of guilt.

scrubs - guy love

It's guy love, between two guys! *chortles*

Thanks Joyce for the link!

4000 words more by 5pm!

Letter to a reptile

Dear baby lizard,

I know you're hopelessly in love with either 1. my Doritos (a yucky taco flavour), 2. my beautiful human self, or 3. the heat from my laptop. You might also feel attracted to the pile of notes on my table, but I think that's highly unlikely. You're not silverfish after all, and silverfish are probably the only creatures who might like my very boring notes.

However, please stop trying to sneak up on me/my Doritos/my laptop. It freaks me out a bit, because as much as I think baby lizard feet are terribly cute, I don't fancy the thought of accidentally squashing you or munching a mouthful of Doritos-flavoured lizard. It's a really bad time now, you know. I have to hand in the first draft of my dissertation by 5pm tomorrow, and I'm only at 5000 words. So if you come any closer to me, I swear I'll scream and wake my daddy up so he can get rid of you. Be good! And no tail-dropping please!

Regards,
Elaine

Break from thesis

Ok, I'll just take a small small break here. *swears to self she won't take anymore 4hr naps (like this afternoon) or watch 3hrs of tv (like this evening)*

I can't help comparing this thesis experience with my previous thesis experience. I'm actually much more relaxed this time. (though I'd better not jump to conclusions till tomorrow)

Perhaps it's because of yet another raise in stress threshold.

Perhaps it's because this time I Actually Consulted My Thesis Supervisor And He Knows What I'm Going To Write About. (at least in general)

Perhaps it's because I no longer feel as if I owe it to the whole world to do well.

Perhaps it's because they make us hand in a first draft before the final deadline.

Anywayz. The last time I spent about 5 days doing the really relevant research, and about 2.5days writing. This time I've hardly done any research, but I'm making up for it by starting to write 3 days before the deadline. So hopefully it should work out fine. (I'm now at 1350/10000 words, and the bloody thesis is due this Thurs. Well, at least the 1st draft.)

*yawnz* darn I'm sleepy. Too bloody relaxed... Help! I'm in such deep shit!

Ok ok that's it. I should go back to work. (I wasted another hour slacking! Can you believe that?)

Faces of Italy

One of my favourite photo blogs:

Faces of Italy

This is Vespucci.

Vespucci’s dream is to find his son and tell him important things. He twists his head quickly at me with a lost and quizzical look, and then he returns to a thoughtful gaze.
Vespucci is currently homeless and cannot remember where his son is

This is Skye.

Skye’s dream, she says with a stalwart demeanor, is to be a successful dermatologist.
Skye is currently modeling in Milan during summer break from medical school.

and so on. If you want to see the faces behind these dreams, click on above link. :)

FRANK SINATRA, ONE FOR MY BABY

No one does this song like Sinatra.

FRANK SINATRA, ONE FOR MY BABY

No one does this song like Sinatra.

Nora, The Piano-Playing Cat (www.ravenswingstudio.com)

This cat has more talent in its tail than I would have in my entire life! (How else did it make it so big?)

History and History

Abe Rejects Japan’s Files on War Sex

TOKYO, March 1 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe denied Thursday that Japan’s military had forced foreign women into sexual slavery during World War II, contradicting the Japanese government’s longtime official position.

Oops. I can't imagine many people being happy about that.

Now I have to write my dissertation by next Thurs.

Current Music Obsession: The Red Violin

I'm re-listening to The Red Violin soundtrack, and my brain short-circuited again. I spent most of last night feverishly reading reviews of the film and soundtrack, the obvious thing to do when I have a paper this Friday.

I'm not particularly impressed by the film, but the soundtrack... *smoke rises from fried brain*

It's an original score! And a very good one at that! Joshua Bell played it! It's beeeeoooootifffuuuuullllll!

It's really a bad idea to be listening to the soundtrack now, because I can't concentrate on anything else (read: revision for the paper). And the regular fits I get while listening to the soundtrack make me very tired... It's tiring to remain ecstatic for hours on end. Talk about blowing my mind.

I need something brainless... M-Pop, here I come!