Constantine Maroulis - Bohemian Rhapsody

Yes I watch American Idol. *guilty*

And I actually remember this performance from I-dunno-which-season.

I also remember Kellie Pickle, but for absolutely the wrong reason. *shudders* Talk about making a virtue of being dumb.

Postcard from Prague!

I spent the whole day sleeping and woke to find a postcard from Prague on my table. It's from a friend I met three years ago... He was a German medical student in Singapore for some medical stuff (yes yes ignorance), and I showed him around. I didn't really spend much time with him (only about 2?3? days), but we've corresponded through email since then. Unfortunately his email has been bouncing for more than a year now, and I haven't been able to get through to him. And postcard? No return address.

But damn he does get around. Some months ago I got a postcard from him and back then he was in Egypt.

And it's incredibly sweet that he still sends postcards 3 years later! So smooshy! I can't believe that he still remembers me and bothers to send me postcards. His postcards have a fortunate tendency of arriving when I need cheering up. Of course they also distract me from my work, but at least it's a happy distraction. *does happy dance*

Pre-work complaint

Both my violin teacher and I are getting increasingly frustrated. My pieces are getting nowhere, and we're getting close to snapping at each other during lessons. My exam's in August, and I'm seriously unprepared for it.

The thing is the pieces are getting much harder, and I'm getting a lot busier. I know it's not as if I don't have time to practise per se... It's just that practising the violin is the one activity that requires all my concentration, and therefore it is the one thing that makes me truly tired. A serious practice burns me out for at least half the day. I'm not used to concentrating so much on anything.

I have a lot on my mind now, and while I really like playing the violin a lot, and I want to pass the exam, the amount of time and effort I have to put in for this is disproportionate to the importance of passing. It's just an extra source of stress that I don't need right now. The thing is my violin teacher is understandably concerned, and I don't like the thought of flunking either. All that time and money.

Sighz I guess I'll just have to make a mid-year resolution to practise daily. At least give myself a shot.

And while today was horrendously unproductive (because I spent hours waiting for my friend to wake heh) at least I had some time and space to recover from the foul mood I was in. It's been a long time since I spent any amount of time doing absolutely nothing. In truth, I'm kind of sick of being glued to my laptop. It's tiring communicating (MSNing) non-stop.

Lollipops make you happy. :P Let's see how much marking I can finish tonight.

Sammy Davis Jr. and Carol Burnett sing Every Showtune Known

How cool is this?

Hero

Let me just remind you how much I'm in love with violinist, Jascha Heifetz. (Yes, I tend to crush dead people.)

And I just realised who Heifetz reminds me of. Sherlock Holmes.

For those who know me, everything should be clear now.

For those who don't, Sherlock Holmes = Elaine's childhood hero.

The funny thing is, Holmes played the violin too! So watching Heifetz play (see this post) results in a strange mental conflation of 2 uber-cool and talented personalities! *excited* I keep expecting Heifetz to turn around to say something to Watson!

I should stop acting like a teenager.

Sherlock Holmes did drugs too, and he's probably the reason why till now, I'm still not violently opposed to a little experimentation. Though I should also say that I've never done drugs, and have never been involved in any illegal drug-related activities. This is Singapore people, I'm not that dumb. But they should get Sherlock Holmes off the bookshelves heh. All those impressionable kids.

Sherlock Holmes is also the reason why I always count the number of steps when walking up/down a flight of stairs. It's really become a habit. Sighz. I love Sherlock Holmes. *cry*

I'm still procrastinating the marking, largely because I feel so overwhelmed by the task. I've never seen so many exam scripts before!

horror

transcendental horror: kant avec lovecraftThe 'frightful position therein' that Lovecraft speaks of is the revelation of a psychic nightmare – or rather the nightmare that is the psyche. But this is not the end of the story. If it were merely a question of unearthing the dark matter that coalesces in dark pockets of the mind, we could turn almost anywhere for help: psychoanalysis, literature in general, comedy, the pub. But this is not just about us. In fact, it's not about us at all. The 'terrifying vistas of reality' all point in one direction: that we don't matter one jot. Between science and the Old Ones, in this universe and all of the others, the same indifferent blankness greets us again and again. Just get on with it and expire, humans!

LSB should be interested in this heh.

It also reminds me (though imperfectly) of Tennyson's In Memoriam.

STRONG Son of God, immortal Love,
Whom we, that have not seen thy face,
By faith, and faith alone, embrace,
Believing where we cannot prove;

Thine are these orbs of light and shade;
Thou madest Life in man and brute;
Thou madest Death; and lo, thy foot
Is on the skull which thou hast made.

Thou wilt not leave us in the dust:
Thou madest man, he knows not why,
He thinks he was not made to die;
And thou hast made him: thou art just.

Thou seemest human and divine,
The highest, holiest manhood, thou:
Our wills are ours, we know not how;
Our wills are ours, to make them thine.

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see;
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Right now horror for me is 230 exam scripts, and oh, what horror!

Random links

China aims to tame Internet and spread party lineBEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday launched a campaign to rid the country's sprawling Internet of "unhealthy" content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine, state television reported.

Seeing through walls
Have you considered that someone could be reading what's on your monitor from a few rooms away? It's unlikely, but possible, as work by Cambridge University computer security researcher Markus Kuhn shows.

For someone who's such a tech idiot I sure read a lot of technology news...

Surveillance

Has anyone noticed how people like to make funny faces/wave at security cameras? (Ok ok! I like to do that too!)

Sometimes it feels like a type of resistance/bravado. Even though we cannot control our being watched, we can attempt to take control through our knowledge of that surveillance, and through our belittling of that surveillance. Instead of reacting with fear and caution (we cannot do this and that because someone is watching), we react with light-hearted amusement/humour (hey there! you looking at me?). We even react with cordiality, as if to humanise the security camera. We act on the assumption that instead of a mechanical device, it is a person looking at us, and we act as if that person is a friend/friendly stranger. Instead of treating the security camera as part of a system of surveillance, we treat it (or at least the surveillance it represents and implements) as one person. Having no choice in our surveillance, we attempt to down-size the scary, systemic situation of surveillance into a more familiar and relaxed inter-personal interaction.

Btw, the above is also my call for help. Translated, it says: Please give me something to analyse other than international relations!

The Dead

It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.
- James Joyce

Travel

All of a sudden I feel like travelling. Partly because there was some stupid Korean show on tv that had a few scenes in Lucerne, partly because my dearest friend attempted to get me to go on a trip to Europe with her.

People keep trying to get me to travel with them lolz. Do I look as if I'm a good travelling companion? Haha... Unfortunately because I'm so cheapskate I can never muster the determination to part with my money. But it seems that when I finally decide I want to travel, I'm merciless with my expenditure.

The itinerary my friend showed me reminded me of my Europe trip, and omg I miss Lucerne so much. No matter how touristy or expensive it is, there's no denying how incredibly beautiful that place is. Actually, each place I visited on that trip was breathtaking, but right now I miss Lucerne. :P The lake! I went on a cruise on that lake, and yes, it was very very very cold, but the scenery is to die for. Sunset over the lake! Incredibly INCREDIBLY beautiful. And peaceful. If any of you're interested I'd be more than happy to show you pictures. (Somehow my laptop refuses to let me post pictures.) I'm this close to organising a post-graduation Europe trip. Anyone interested? But before you guys jump at the opportunity to travel with me (*wink*), bear in mind that by tomorrow I'd probably have changed my mind. I'm a very poor student after all heh.

But you know, if there're any REALLY cheap packages to Lucerne... I wouldn't mind Italy either, even though I've been there twice already, and it's probably going to be freaking warm there at this time of the year. The streets of Florence! *cry* And Venetian masks! Gondolas and cathedrals! *sobs* The Salzburg cemetary! (I know it's strange to miss a cemetary, but dammit their cemetaries ain't our cemetaries.)

Omg I miss Lucerne so much. Even their ducks are prettier. What would I give for a ticket to Switzerland right now. Why is it that Europe is so bloody effortlessly pretty? What would I give to fly off right now?

Bored

I just discovered my handphone's able to play music! I'm so thrilled! Ok, so I should have found out before I bought it, but I never really bother about the features... as long as I can call and sms using my handphone it's good enough for me. And I never pay for my phones. I don't see the point of paying when I can get them free heh. So I usually walk into the shop, look at the free phones, and pick out the best of the lot.

I'm a bit bored. Today was supposed to be my LSB and violin day, and I spent some time with both, but I actually spent most of the day sleeping. Now I feel as if I've got nothing to do. I should study, but no one's really free to study with me, and I can't get started on my own.

So that's why I'm writing an incredibly boring post for the world's consumption.

I had a really romantic 'date' on Sun with one of my many LSB surrogates! What with perfume shopping, chocolate sipping, candlelight dinner (by proxy) and long walks on the roof of the esplanade heh.

Oh and my perfume! *excited* I love perfume!

Perfumes

I swear I'll never buy an Anna Sui perfume again. The scent is cloyingly sweet and I've got a huge headache from it.

If anyone wants to buy me Lanvin's Rumeur, I'll treat you to the spectacle of me sniffing my wrists non-stop in public heh.

Also, I'm using my old number (my hp should be in use by Sat), but I still need all your cells, so pls send them to me via MSN/email/SMS. And my new Sony Ericsson phone, while cute, is horrendously unfamiliar.

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

Heifetz: Saint-Saens - Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso

My current favouritist violinist! (some of you might have been bugged/begged by me to watch this already)

And today's almost over

I lost my handphone! :( And stood my friend up because I don't remember people's hp numbers haha... Sorry sorry! But people, pls give me your numbers via MSN or email. Merci!

But apart from the handphone loss (it's the 1st time I've ever lost my handphone), it was a pretty good day.

I discovered that camomile tea goes REALLY well with lavender chocolate mousse! It's a discovery comparable to my rosebud tea + green tea mooncakes (with traditional crust) discovery!

Hmm actually I didn't do much today. But I'm still in a relatively good mood, considering that I've lost 1 of my 2 main means of interpersonal communication (the other being MSN). Damn the person who stole my handphone!

Freedom!

Yay I'm rid of that horrible thing that I handed in yesterday, and I shall not think about it again! Not even about the part where I added something 20mins before I handed in and totally regret it! No I shall not think about it at all!

Also, I shall not think about how I handed in that horrible thing without proofreading at 12nn cos I had to prepare for a presentation for a class at 2. The presentation didn't go too badly though, cos I did my best to act cute while presenting, which totally excused my ignorance and lack of preparation.

And now I'm in the Very Rare Situation of having at least 1.5 weeks with no deadlines! No pressure! Free time!

So I'm thinking of what I should do today. I'll have to stop by school to settle some admin details. And after that? I could go to the library and borrow something I REALLY want to read (and pay my fines). Or I could go to somewhere n grab a spot of tea and listen to my music and read. I could go out and take a walk, but it looks about to rain, and I already walked from Citylink to Somerset yesterday. Or I could go by a music shop and buy loads of CDs again! even though I bought a CD yesterday! Or I could come home and practise my violin! And my piano! And surf the net! Or I could go exploring somewhere! Oh yeah, and buy books! Loads of books! The possibilities are endless! I'm so happy!

One of the happiest days of my life was the day before the final results for my undergrad were released, and being utterly convinced that this was the last day of my happiness, I made damn sure that I would thoroughly enjoy that happiness. So I woke early, grabbed breakfast from a bakery, and then sat on the Esplanade roof at about 8 to eat and read. And then I went to the library, and then walked up the river to go to Liang Court to get my watermelon ice-cream! And it was at Liang Court that I discovered the Japanese peaches selling at 5 for SGD100+! I was really tempted to buy them, but covinced myself that I needed money to prepare for life after happiness heh.

Blues music is so fun! and slightly sexy and cheeky. At least the CD I'm listening to now. I need to diversify in music. Maybe I'll drop by some music shop, close my eyes, and pick a CD.

*yawnz* It's raining, and I've tired myself out by being so excited. Maybe I'll just spend the day sleeping.

Hey, maybe I could go to a museum today! *rubs hands in glee*

But I think I'll sleep hehehe.

4am Tues morning

I've got a dissertation (I mean, THE dissertation) & a presentation due Wed, and I haven't done any work in the 10hrs I've managed to remain awake.

I think the problem with me is that I know that as long as I'm not looking for perfection, I could finish both even if I started tomorrow evening. Theoretically. Assuming everything goes well. Of course I'd compromise my grades, but who cares about grades?

Speaking of which, it is only now that I'm involved in the grading process that I've realised how difficult it is to do well in university. I really don't know how I got through my undergrad, considering that I used to give up the 20% (or more) participation grade by skipping classes all the time. What the hell happened back then? It was like there was a lucky star shining over me and I never noticed. I feel like a miracle baby.

Please get me to work. Somebody. Please.

Babies

Check this out for the funniest kid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVDGu82FeQ.

I've been watching it over and over, and if I ever had a kid like that I'd spend all day making fun of him and laughing. Which was what I did to my sister when I was younger, because oh, it's so funny when she cries. *evil laughter*

My mum was just reminding the other day of what must have been the climax of my life. When I was about 1+, my mum was reading me my favourite storybook about a girl called Jenny who broke her arm and had to be sent to the hospital. And then she gave my arm a playful tug.

Now please, I'm relying entirely on an eyewitness account here, but apparently I started crying that my arm was broken, and my mum believed me. (1st-time parents' syndrome) She took me to the GP downstairs, and the wonderful doctor that he was, he sent us over to the hospital, where many bouts of tragic weeping and screaming and futile attempts to get me to sleep and 1 x-ray later, they discovered... no broken bone. In the meantime, my mum had called my grandparents in Malaysia, and my dad had rushed over from work.

In defence of the panicked adults around me, apparently I'd cradled my arm and refused to let anyone see or touch it. So perhaps it was a bit hard to figure out what was happening until I got the x-ray. But still.

Omg I was evil, wasn't I.

Damn, it all went downhill from there.

And speaking of downhill, I still have to mark this load of essays, and I know someone famous said something to the effect of: the parts that are original aren't good, and the parts that are good aren't original. Save me.

Updates

(now she's feeling lost)

I straightened my hair (permanently, at least till the hair grows out), and now I feel I've lost all personality. Yes people, the personality was in the hair. Now it's all gone.

(now she's feeling happy)

My supervisor told me 'Good work!' (after which he gave me a whole list of suggestions, but never mind.) Yay! *does happy dance*

*reminds self* Ok now, you've got to stop living for the approval of others! *mutters to self neurotically*

(now she's feeling grumpy)

Stupid undergraduates can't hand in an essay on time. ARGH.

(now she's amused)

Found in a student essay: 'You simply do not spank an adult.' Uh-huh. Education still incomplete.

I need to mark essays!

(flounces off)

All You Need to Know About Me

If you really want to know who I am, don't read this blog. Just go ahead and look at this: http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html. It just boggles my mind how accurate this stuff is. If I wore a t-shirt with that url printed on it and walked down the street, people would scream and tell me 'Your Insides Are Showing!'

The drive to understand things that are not yet understood is a very powerful force in the life of an INTP. Where the Ti preference is strong, this drive can override the experiential element so strongly that the INTP will become quickly bored with anything that he has successfully analysed to the point of understanding it. Once understood, it has nothing left to offer, once the satisfaction which comes with achieving the goal of understanding diminishes. Indeed, most primary interests of an INTP are things which he cannot fully understand, usually because they are highly complex or have some exotic, mystical element that does not yield to analysis.

This is SO why I'm not going to do a PhD in International Relations, even though I was totally counting on that, and now I have no idea what to do with my life.

The INTP enjoys speculating about how a news item (for example) might be received by other people or how a point of view might offend certain types of people and be supported by yet other types; but to have a point of view of his own rarely seems relevant!

Totally! I hated it when for a course, I had to take a position on every class reading. WTH spare me.

If an INTP decides to learn a skill, then it is very important for him that he reaches a sufficient level so that basic errors can be avoided. Errors made by others are to be expected and can be criticised. But errors made by oneself attack the very root of the person, which is ultimately about rationality, logic and truth. INTPs hate to think of themselves being in any way inadequate, at least in areas that are important to them. So, as soon as he puts himself behind some task, then he must achieve competency. But that is as far as it goes. Refined competency requires too much effort and has little attraction. It would require practice and that usually bores an INTP.

Oh definitely, so definitely. See http://justareed.blogspot.com/2007/03/violin.html.

To know is everything, to do is a lower order necessity, if it is necessary at all. This breeds the potential for lazy aloofness. The INTP is often satisfied simply by knowing that he could do something if he wished.

Did I say SO me?

If you see someone smirking and laughing at some private thought, without any obvious reason, he's probably an INTP.

Actually, it's probably me. And I'm a she.

The source of the unease is simply the feeling that a planned schedule inhibits and robs the INTP of freedom. It is also a subordination to the plans of others which the independent INTP resists. Faithfully helping others is not a problem, however, but he must feel in control of his decision to subordinate or not.

Which is why I'm DREADING a 9-5 job. Can you imagine going to the same office at the same time for YEARS on end?

The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints.

You've no idea how many times I've gotten into trouble because of this. I always shoot my mouth off in class discussions on a point that I don't necessarily believe in, and I always get attacked for that. But it's the balance you know. If everybody agrees on something, then someone has to look at alternatives (no matter how ridiculous) and raise them.

Indeed, INTPs are often glad when someone else takes over the lead, again providing the leader is of the same mind. An INTPs ideal is to provide all the ideas for a project and have a charismatic leader, who agrees with him, carry them out.

Yes yes, and again, yes.

The one thing that will force an INTP to tidy his home radically, even when alone, is when the clutter eventually gets in his way and hinders some activity. Often, however, the offending objects will merely be moved into another corner where they can spend some more weeks being invisible.

Has anyone seen my room recently? And did anyone know that about the only time I clear my room is when I have to write a big paper and All That Mess just pisses the hell out of me because suddenly I can't find my notes, and there's no space left on my table for me to work, and What The Hell I can't get wireless in my room, which has always been the case, but Really Pisses Me Off Now? And hell, it doesn't matter if I only need to clear my table to work, I'll clear the whole damn room so this never (haha) bothers me again! Which is why I tend to be stuck clearing my wardrobe and sweeping my floor when I'm supposed to be rushing a paper.

However, the greatest fears of an INTP are usually ideas generated within his own mind. The problem is that the Ti-Ne axis is capable of conceiving very unpleasant ideas, which may be far from reality and even irrational. Ideas and possibilities assume so much importance in the mind of an INTP that they can override a common sense factual grasp on reality.

Oh yes. Tell me about it.

In other news, within 24 hrs, LSB has called me adorable, cute and capricious. I particularly like the last, and would appreciate if he now addresses me as 'my capricious little one' (CLO). But I don't mind generous sprinkles of 'cute' and 'adorable' either.

..................................................

Edited:

Oh wow, what do you know. Everybody seems to know exactly what kind of person I am. http://www.typelogic.com/intp.html

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition

One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context.

In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgement and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured.

Just one thing? No Maths. I do wish I was good at it, cos I think it's really cool to be a Maths genius. But no, I'm not good at it.

Eternity

I'm hell-bent on finishing the dissertation by today. Even if it means overlooking the serious flaws and logical fallacies. I just need to get something out. Right now. Even if I don't sleep. Even though I'm also watching endless episodes of Scrubs. But never mind that.

What I don't get is why at this moment, 5am in the morning and nowhere close to finishing the godforsaken dissertation, I'm wondering how the hell anyone's supposed to have eternal life/experience eternity. Cos I won't have lived for an eternity till I've lived until the end of eternity, but if I've lived until the end of eternity, then I wouldn't have lived for an eternity cos eternity has no end. Right? Unless by eternity you mean the absence of time. But my poor mortal brain can't envision living without time (or deadlines, for that matter). I mean, without time, how do you... move? Or do anything? And without time, how can you have eternity? Isn't eternity supposed to be endless time? I'm sure physics has some answer to this, perhaps something to do with curved time-space or black holes or... you know, whatever.

It's like, I don't think any of us knows what true eternity or true nothingness is. I really don't know what infinity looks like. If there's such a thing. And you know, when I think about the universe (on the rare occasion that I do think about the universe), I get a little confused. Things I've figured out: the universe is like, really big. It's got plenty of stuff in it. But then, what's outside the universe? More stuff? But what's beyond that stuff? Or maybe outside the universe there's nothing? But then how can something exist within nothing? Or maybe the universe is all there is? So it's like, never-ending? Or maybe it wraps around itself infinitely (that word again!)? Like a roll of cloth that never ends? Or maybe the concept of space doesn't make sense when talking about the universe? Or perhaps everything is just a nothing that has expanded? So actually, everything is just a very big nothing? Does any of this make sense? I don't know man. It's strange to think that there's something out there so big, something that we don't really know much about (well, I don't know much about). Hell, I shouldn't even be thinking about this.

Kiwi!

Another panicky email to my supervisor

Hi Sir,

I figured I'd better give you an update on the dissertation.

I was hoping to give you the draft by Wednesday, but I'm having some difficulties.

I'm increasingly worried about the word count. The last section on post-Cold War ASEAN is taking up a lot of space. I'm worried about putting in enough details for this section, but I'm also concerned that the sections on the rules & institutions of international society are too superficial. As it is, I think I've exceeded the word count already, but I'm not done writing the last section, and I still haven't expanded the earlier sections.

Also, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile the logic of a minimalist international society (a la Bull) and a discussion of the difficulties faced by ASEAN. I think the main probem is that Bull's international society is both global and minimalist, and is not easily translated to the regional level of analysis or to the study of regional institutions.

If ASEAN collapses this does not mean a collapse of global international society. If ASEAN collapses does this mean an end to Southeast Asian international society? Prior to this we'd made a distinction between the Association and regional international society, but does this not mean that there must be a definition of Southeast Asian international society that is independent of ASEAN? If so, what defines Southeast Asian international society? If ASEAN is merely an expression of regional international society but not constitutive of regional international society, then the decline of ASEAN is not automatically equivalent to the decline of a minimalist Southeast Asian society, even though it might indicate problems with this regional society. But if my focus is on explaining regional international society, then isn't my discussion of ASEAN a bit off the mark?

I don't think it's impossible to use Bull to understand Southeast Asia. But I have a bad feeling that I need much more space to translate Bull's ideas to the regional level. Am I thinking too much into it?

Sorry for another long email! Thanks!

Regards,
Elaine

Rainy nights

I can't play my Corrinne Bailey Rae on my MP3. Stupid content-protected CDs.

But this was on my MP3 tonight:

Rainy Night in Georgia
Brook Benton

Hoverin' by my suitcase,
Tryin' to find a warm place to spend the night
Heavy rain fallin', seems I hear your voice callin'
"It's all right."
A rainy night in Georgia,
a rainy night in Georgia
It seems like it's rainin' all over the world
I feel like it's rainin' all over the world

Neon signs a-flashin',
Taxi cabs and buses passin' through the night
A distant moanin' of a train seems to play a sad refrain
To the night
A rainy night in Georgia,
such a rainy night in Georgia
Lord, I believe it's rainin' all over the world
I feel like it's rainin' all over the world

How many times I wondered
It still comes out the same
No matter how you look at it or think of it
It's life and you just got to play the game

I find me a place in a box car,
so I take my guitar to pass some time
Late at night when it's hard to rest
I hold your picture to my chest and I feel fine
But it's a rainy night in Georgia,
baby, it's a rainy night in Georgia
I feel it's rainin' all over the world, kinda lonely now
And it's rainin' all over the world...

The song brought back a sharp memory of how just 2?3? years ago I used to play this CD while lying on my bed, waiting for sleep. I haven't done that for a while. Nowadays I either fall asleep on my sofa or stumble into bed, too tired to care. These days my head is filled with so many thoughts (mostly frivolous), I'm a bit tired of the mental chatter going on up there. A thought chases upon the tail of another thought that I'm barely done with; I'm like a whirlwind of words.

I walked home tonight - yet another thing I haven't done for a while - and bought a beer on the way. It's a slightly chilly night (for Singapore). I'll have class early tomorrow.

Suddenly I feel incredibly tired. I think I'll take a hiatus from blogging. 'scuse me while I disappear. Just for a while.

Recovering from religion

I stumbled across this very interesting site - Islam Watch: Telling the Truth about Islam. It seems it is a site by ex-Muslims who have become disillusioned with Islam, and are now claiming that it is a false religion.

A few disclaimers first, just in case there're any online vigilantes who might love to get me into trouble. This is Singapore after all, and multi-racial, religious tolerance etc etc... First, I know next to nothing about religion, and therefore I do not pretend to make any authoritative statements about any religion. Second, I don't endorse the opinions expressed on the site hyperlinked above. In fact, I'm highly suspicious of the credentials of the site. I randomly clicked a link on the page, and was brought to a poorly written piece by Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America. Okay... Needless to say the article was almost entirely about us good Americans needing to carry guns to defend ourselves against these crazy jihadists who could appear anywhere, anytime.

Nevertheless, I'm not slamming the entire site just yet, because I don't really have time to explore the site thoroughly right now.

But Islam Watch reminded me of Recovering Christians, another site I used to frequent. It seems as if every religion has its share of rebels. However, Recovering Christians seems a lot more moderate, and publishes contributions from Christians. The entries there are also less driven by current events (unlike Islam Watch, which is overly preoccupied with terrorism issues & Iraq), and thus comes across as more reflective and introspective. Also, there seems to be more of a debate on Recovering Christians. Islam Watch's shout of 'turn away from this false religion!' however, is practically deafening, and much less palatable.

Woman, fall not in love

I know it's bad form to gush about your relationship online, but since this is a sort of irritable, anti-gushing complaint, I'll make an exception.

I don't know what it is about relationships that turn otherwise sane, rational, normal, grown-up (ok I know that blogthings quiz said my real age is 15) women into psychotic, dependent, neurotic, paranoid lunatics.

I was in a horrendous mood today, the kind of mood that turns me into a cross between rabid dog and frazzled, paper-pushing bureaucrat - constantly furious, likely to bite, obsessed with details and prone to bossing people around. Then just because LSB did the smallest of things, I was suddenly insanely happy, and all was fine with the world.

I won't even say what it was because it's really too embarrassing to admit that something that silly could stop me in my frothing, raging tracks. Not even on this blog, which has become the biggest liability to my good reputation. (oh wait, I am the biggest liability to my good reputation.)

And then there're these other times where his disproportionate influence over me sends me reeling in the other way, and storm clouds gather, the ground shakes, rain pours, and I'm all melodramatic tragedy, and my life is an amalgamation of the best korean soaps.

I just don't know what men do to women. It's crazy, you know. It's like he's the wind and I'm the windvane. He's the temperature and I'm the thermometer.

... ok, I'd better stop here now. *embarrassed* You can guess what kind of love poems I'd come up with.

You have no idea how frustrating this is. Is it just me? Am I unschooled in the art of boyfriend management? Is there a training school I can send him to? Or is there some code of conduct that he needs to adhere to in order to maintain a healthy, normal girlfriend? Should I just kick him until he stops messing with my mind?

Violin

Just finished watching a documentary, The Art of the Violin.

I started the violin unforgiveably late (I shall always blame my parents for forcing me to take up the piano instead of the violin), when I was 19. I remember when I first started, I was a voracious learner. For about a year, I wanted to learn everything straightaway - shifting, double-stops, vibrato... everything. I borrowed books on the history of the violin, playing techniques, music theory, all of which I've forgotten, because I've got a horrendous memory.

But even during this period, when I was the most fascinated by this instrument that was so different from the piano, I practised a maximum of twice a week. Because that's the kind of student I am. I hate practising, and I get deathly bored if I have to spend too much time on one thing. Some might call it lazy, but I prefer 'easily bored'.

Which is why I'm half-convinced I'll never survive a PhD, even though the idea of studying still appeals to me. But let's leave that bit of angst for another time.

I'll never be any good at the violin, but that's precisely why I feel like going out and buying a stack of cds right now. Because I know I'll never be able to produce that kind of music, the only way I can own that sound is to buy it.

Efficiency

I wrote a long email to my supervisor yesterday afternoon, with my draft attached. He replied today at about 5pm. He'd read through my entire draft AND my email, AND gave me a pretty detailed rundown of what he thought.

The efficiency just boggles my mind. I'm the most inefficient person I know. I ALWAYS procrastinate. Always. I just don't understand efficiency. I seldom miss deadlines, but I never finish my work before the deadline either. I'm dazzled by my supervisor's efficiency. He's such a wonderful supervisor! I'm so excited about efficiency!

Even though I've received a ton of essays to mark, I haven't touched a single one. And I've had them for weeks! My supervisor would have finished marking them a long time ago. Shame on me!

Once newly dead

Amara Tochi to be Hung at Dawn

Yet this particular case more than others caught my attention, for a simple reason: Amara Tochi was sentenced to death for drug trafficking. Yet he might not have even known that he possessed drugs on his person.

In fact, Justice Kan noted in his findings that "there was no direct evidence that he knew the capsules contained diamorphine. There was nothing to suggest that Smith had told him they contained diamorphine, or that he had found that out on his own".

That leads us to a troublesome and haunting question: can you be sentenced to death for drug trafficking without even knowing you were in possession of drugs?

I've only just read this blog entry dated 25 Jan 2007, and hence did not know about this case until more than a month after the event. So this guy's probably been dead more than a month already. I don't even have to search for updates on the case to know this because if Singapore decides on the death sentence, no pleas or appeals of any sort could make any difference.

Just for the record, I don't approve of the death penalty, and I feel inexplicably guilty that I did not know about this death till long after the event.

And why am I surfing the net when I've got 4000 (ok, now 3500) words more to go by 5pm today? I don't know really. I'm starting to feel bored with my course of study and beginning to think my interests lie somewhere else. (and this is not just dissertation angst speaking) This is, of course, disastrous.

But you know, academic woes somehow pale in comparison to larger troubling issues like the state's willingness to kill without convincing proof of guilt.

scrubs - guy love

It's guy love, between two guys! *chortles*

Thanks Joyce for the link!

4000 words more by 5pm!

Letter to a reptile

Dear baby lizard,

I know you're hopelessly in love with either 1. my Doritos (a yucky taco flavour), 2. my beautiful human self, or 3. the heat from my laptop. You might also feel attracted to the pile of notes on my table, but I think that's highly unlikely. You're not silverfish after all, and silverfish are probably the only creatures who might like my very boring notes.

However, please stop trying to sneak up on me/my Doritos/my laptop. It freaks me out a bit, because as much as I think baby lizard feet are terribly cute, I don't fancy the thought of accidentally squashing you or munching a mouthful of Doritos-flavoured lizard. It's a really bad time now, you know. I have to hand in the first draft of my dissertation by 5pm tomorrow, and I'm only at 5000 words. So if you come any closer to me, I swear I'll scream and wake my daddy up so he can get rid of you. Be good! And no tail-dropping please!

Regards,
Elaine

Break from thesis

Ok, I'll just take a small small break here. *swears to self she won't take anymore 4hr naps (like this afternoon) or watch 3hrs of tv (like this evening)*

I can't help comparing this thesis experience with my previous thesis experience. I'm actually much more relaxed this time. (though I'd better not jump to conclusions till tomorrow)

Perhaps it's because of yet another raise in stress threshold.

Perhaps it's because this time I Actually Consulted My Thesis Supervisor And He Knows What I'm Going To Write About. (at least in general)

Perhaps it's because I no longer feel as if I owe it to the whole world to do well.

Perhaps it's because they make us hand in a first draft before the final deadline.

Anywayz. The last time I spent about 5 days doing the really relevant research, and about 2.5days writing. This time I've hardly done any research, but I'm making up for it by starting to write 3 days before the deadline. So hopefully it should work out fine. (I'm now at 1350/10000 words, and the bloody thesis is due this Thurs. Well, at least the 1st draft.)

*yawnz* darn I'm sleepy. Too bloody relaxed... Help! I'm in such deep shit!

Ok ok that's it. I should go back to work. (I wasted another hour slacking! Can you believe that?)

Faces of Italy

One of my favourite photo blogs:

Faces of Italy

This is Vespucci.

Vespucci’s dream is to find his son and tell him important things. He twists his head quickly at me with a lost and quizzical look, and then he returns to a thoughtful gaze.
Vespucci is currently homeless and cannot remember where his son is

This is Skye.

Skye’s dream, she says with a stalwart demeanor, is to be a successful dermatologist.
Skye is currently modeling in Milan during summer break from medical school.

and so on. If you want to see the faces behind these dreams, click on above link. :)

FRANK SINATRA, ONE FOR MY BABY

No one does this song like Sinatra.

FRANK SINATRA, ONE FOR MY BABY

No one does this song like Sinatra.

Nora, The Piano-Playing Cat (www.ravenswingstudio.com)

This cat has more talent in its tail than I would have in my entire life! (How else did it make it so big?)

History and History

Abe Rejects Japan’s Files on War Sex

TOKYO, March 1 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe denied Thursday that Japan’s military had forced foreign women into sexual slavery during World War II, contradicting the Japanese government’s longtime official position.

Oops. I can't imagine many people being happy about that.

Now I have to write my dissertation by next Thurs.

Current Music Obsession: The Red Violin

I'm re-listening to The Red Violin soundtrack, and my brain short-circuited again. I spent most of last night feverishly reading reviews of the film and soundtrack, the obvious thing to do when I have a paper this Friday.

I'm not particularly impressed by the film, but the soundtrack... *smoke rises from fried brain*

It's an original score! And a very good one at that! Joshua Bell played it! It's beeeeoooootifffuuuuullllll!

It's really a bad idea to be listening to the soundtrack now, because I can't concentrate on anything else (read: revision for the paper). And the regular fits I get while listening to the soundtrack make me very tired... It's tiring to remain ecstatic for hours on end. Talk about blowing my mind.

I need something brainless... M-Pop, here I come!

Don't shoot me for my taste

Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)

Written by: Cole Porter
With Shirley MacLaine
Arranged By: Nelson Riddle
From the Show: Paris (1928)
Label: Capitol Records
Recorded: September 22, 1959
----------------------------------------

Why even in France the best upper sets do it, Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
In old Japan, all the Japs do it, up in Lapland little Laps do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
The Deutch in old Amsterdam do it, not to mention the Fins
Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins
In shallow shoals English souls do it, goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
The chimpanzees in the zoos do it, some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it, even eagles as they fly do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
Electric eels I might add do it, though it shocks `em I know
Why ask if shad do it - garcon de "shad roe"
The world admits bears in pits do it, even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
The royal set sans regret did it, and they considered it fun
Marie Antoinette did it - with or without Napoleon
Parliament pleasure bent did it, mam'selles every time they're short of rent did it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Never think today's songs are more sexed up than songs written 80yrs ago.

But I like this Cole Porter song, even though it's so politically incorrect. At least it's fun and cheeky, and it makes me laugh. Songs nowadays never make anyone laugh. I particularly like the electric eels line.

jay - tui hou

Anyone wants to know why I love making fun of Jay? Check out his 'hooligan' behaviour in this MV. Hilarious stuff.

First paper over!

I used to like exams because they meant relatively little work (compared to writing essays).

Now I hate exams because it's too little work and too much of a disaster. (I know it's personal choice. Let me whine.)

I read 3 articles from 3 chapters about 3 different countries.

I had 10 chapters in this course. Each chapter consists of about 7 compulsory readings, including books. This means that if I had studied the whole module, I'd have 70 readings, out of which I read 3.

Of course no one studies the whole module for exams. Let's do it this way:

I have to answer 2 questions during the exam. I know that each question will mean I need to refer to 2 countries. That makes a minimum of 2 countries (because I can repeat the countries for the 2 questions) and a maximum of 4 countries.

Of the 10 chapters I have to study, 6 of them are country studies. This means that 4 of them are theoretical chapters.

I know that each question will make reference to at least one theoretical concept in any one of these 4 theoretical chapters.

Assuming I'm an average risk-taker who wants to make sure she can do at least 2 questions, I'd spot about 3 countries and half the theory chapters. That makes 5x7 = 35 readings.

I read 3 out of 35 readings. I'm taking about 11 times more risk than the average risk-taker.

This is what happened during the exam:

I referred to 4 countries altogether, dregging my memory for a handful of facts (relevant or not, I don't know) about each. Out of these 4 countries, I didn't study 1 of them at all. I didn't study 2 countries in relation to the question I was answering. Therefore, really, I could only analyse one country properly - and then, given I only read 1 article about that country, I don't think 'properly' is the appropriate term - which is equal to slightly less than half a question, which is equal to slightly less than 12.5% of my grade.

I didn't know any theory.

(oh shit, I just remembered I forgot to define my terms.)

Too little work done for exams. I hate exams. My stress threshold is too high until too late. At least the essays make me stay up all night.

I apologise to all who had to bear with my whining on MSN.

...................................................................

In other news, LSB has become extraordinarily corny, possibly because of thesis fever. (those of you who know how corny he usually is should be properly shocked now.)

Cargo Cults

Cargo Cults

Belief in cargo reflects long-standing beliefs in Melanesian cultures. The exchange of goods and objects of wealth are a fundamental way in which communities and social relationships are maintained. Through generous giving, individuals gain power. The 'big man' is the one who has the most to give, who is followed by his community and may even become a local prophet. This focus on wealth was linked to a belief that the ancestors continue to have influence over a community long after their death. Melanesians believe that ancestors speak to them in dreams, providing instructions for 'proper living' and foresight of the future. They further believe that their ancestors will one day come back to life, bearing unimaginable wealth and secure the long-term future of their community.

...

They [European missionaries] found the natives highly resistant, however; they were not content with hymns and stories, and wanted to know why the white men were hiding the secret of cargo from them. The missionaries were being stingy big men, and stinginess was number one on the list of bad qualities for a big man to have.

...

Tribal councils were held, and the people of Madang decided that the cargo was not created by the Europeans, who were not actually ancestors. The actual ancestors made cargo far away, but the Europeans kept it from getting to the natives. Maybe if they learned the Europeans' rituals they could learn the secrets of cargo and convince their ancestors to send cargo to them instead. Thus, without any warning that the missionaries could understand, the natives began converting to Christianity in droves. Under the guidance of their tribal leaders, they willingly adapted Christian behaviour and clothing, and became models of Christian obedience.

...


While in Brisbane, Yali made another startling discovery: the Australians kept hundreds of animals in the Brisbane Zoo, which they carefully fed and tended. He also noticed the large number of dogs and cats kept as pets in homes. It wasn't until a conference in Port Moresby5 that he was able to solve this puzzling behaviour. The solution came when he witnessed a book which showed a succession from monkeys into humans. It became clear the depth to which the missionaries had lied: they had claimed Adam and Eve were men's ancestors when they clearly believed that their ancestors were animals who needed to be treated with respect. It was obvious the missionaries had made up such lies in order to hide this truth from the New Guineans, who had held such beliefs before their arrival. Upon returning home, Yali was convinced by the prophet Gurek that the Queensland Museum was actually Rome, that the gods had been taken captive there, and that in order to lure them back the natives had to stop their foolish acceptance of the lies of Christianity.

Must... Not... Laugh... Must... Respect... Differences... Must... Respect... Their... Culture...

You have no idea how difficult this is for me. This world is such a strange place.

BUT (and this is a very significant 'but') this BBC write-up smacks of The Gods Must Be Crazy in that the humour glosses over very serious issues - marginalisation, poverty, discrimination. The article also plays up stereotypes of 'ignorant natives' who are superstitious, technologically incompetent and therefore very very different from the 'rational white man'. Look at how the one personality given much coverage, Yali, is portrayed as a shrewd, opportunistic (but still ignorant and backward and therefore 'ridicule-worthy') petty cult leader (petty in the sense that he falls into the 'authoritarian leader of small region who does not pose a real threat and therefore can be treated with amused tolerance' category).

And the article co-opts the reader into this 'white man cult' too. Note how they assume that readers have a general understanding of what "a book which showed a succession from monkeys into humans" is about, and that readers know that Rome is not in Australia. Of course these assumptions are probably not too far off (we should never take things for granted though), but the way everything is phrased just makes the article into an 'insider joke', which quite naturally makes these islanders ridiculous outsiders to be laughed at.

So I should stop laughing. Now!

Flowers for Valentine's

After 2.5 years of begging and whining and complaining, LSB finally grudgingly presented me with a pink rose. (When I got home I took about 70 pictures of the rose. I have been that deprived.)

Walking home about midnight on Valentine's, I pluck a few bruised petals off the rose, and think about love, romance and all things silly.

Halfway home, I pass by a Chinese funeral, with the unmistakeable white, lighted tent and people seated around tables chatting and laughing. The sharp sweet scent of chrysanthemum and jasmine is now overpowering, and all too familiar. There is a forlorn line of yellow and white flower wreaths outside the tent. It feels as if they're Valentine's bouquets that have arrived too late.

"Apparently the mingled thread in the web of their life was so curiously twisted together that there could be no joy without a sorrow coming close upon it."
- George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss

I walk past the tent. The pretty pink petals, now warm and crushed in the palm of my hand, still smell soft and delicate and reassuring.

..................................................................................................

I didn't have a very good tutorial on Friday, perhaps because I was feeling lethargic and bored. Perhaps I was too harsh in my feedback to the group presenting because after the tutorial, they sent a representative to explain that they really had put in a lot of work, and they faced time constraints during the presentation, so would I please take that into account.

Argh.

It's always been a fault of mine, even when I was working in the Centre. It's all too easy for me (especially when I'm not thinking properly) to ramble on, picking out all the faults in the essay/presentation. And then I look up, and I see the wee lil' lambs on the verge of tears, convinced that they're going to fail their assignment. So much for EQ.

..................................................................................................

In other news, Kenneth Rufo from Ghost in the Wire, one of my favourite blogs, has been here! *jumps around excitedly* Hi there hi there! *waves* Many many many thanks for the songs! Very bluesy indeed! And I'm still insecure about posting any part of my dissertation anywhere... *cries* It just seems so very half-baked...

And did I mention I love his blog? Even though I don't understand what he's saying half the time?

(Those of you who were there when I was squealing and screaming over getting a comment from "Kenneth Rufo! From Ghost in the Wire! Can you believe it!?", you're not supposed to tell anyone.)

I couldn't seem to post a comment on his blog, so I hope he gets to see this! *jumps around excitedly some more*

..................................................................................................

And Happy Lunar New Year to all! *muackzes to all my darlings*

Mood Indigo

I just realised my last 3 post titles ended with 'woes'. Amazing how cheery my life can be, oui? *makes slow and slippery descent into melodrama*

I'm now the proud owner of Robert Jervis' The Logic of Images in International Relations for SGD39.00 just because I took a detour in school today to avoid the rain. Which, all things considered, is a very good buy. But I've read it (very carefully) before, and it's probably going to sit untouched on my shelf till the end of time anyway. Along with every other book I've bought on impulse. (I also bought a book on the politics of culture and theatre in Singapore) I'm way too prone to big impulsive purchases these days.

I bought Corrine Bailey Rae's CD, which is really quite good.

I also bought (and watched!) Gershwin's Porgy and Bess! I watched it in Coffee Bean, where I was supposed to do some substantial work, but oh well. It's a really sad smooshy opera, and watching it for the first time spoilt my day (or what was left of my day at the end of the 3hrs). Sad movies do that to me.

AND I bought Maria Callas' Hamburg concerts of 1959 and 1962! (big impulsive purchases anyone?) And being the philistine that I am, what really struck me was how much a difference make-up makes. Her make-up for the 1959 concert was HORRIBLE. She looked about 70. In contrast, she looked gorgeous in 1962. And much younger.

I had violin lesson this (or rather, yesterday) morning, and my exam piece was stuck in my head the whole day. How irritating is that. Especially since I still can't quite grasp the freaking music. It's like a little itch that won't stop itching, and won't allow itself to be scratched... *trails off into incoherence*

I'm in a bluesy mood now, but I don't have enough music for this mood. Shoots.

Hmmm. I need after-midnight music. More specifically, I need music for the closing minutes at the bar, when cigarettes and empty glasses are being cleared, and chairs are being put up, and the whole place suddenly smells of detergent.

I can't believe I don't have Sinatra's "One for my baby". And I can't believe I don't have any Billie Holiday. There is a big empty hole in my life that is waiting to be filled. My life is not complete!

Please don't let me forget how broke I am.

Humour woes

JR: (blahs)... in the Q&A session feel free to express yourself... but speak, don't sing.

*deathly silence*

JR: Never mind....

*a few nervous chuckles in the background*

Is it me? Tell me it's not just me.

...

I was watching some crappy movie on AXN (AXN's full of crappy stuff. That's why I watch it.) where they had Russians running around in some snowy place (Siberia?) trying to catch some American spies.

Nothing new, except a comment made by one of the 'Russians', presumably in Russian.

The subtitles (in old-movie white font) read: "Stalin's butt, he tricked us!"

Stalin's butt. Stalin's butt, he tricked us. Hahaha that's the funniest thing I've heard in a long long time. This time it's not just me right?

Dissertation woes

A very uncharacteristic email that I sent off a few minutes ago:

Dear Prof,

I've just submitted my paper on ASEAN and international society, and I'm afraid it's not very pretty. I'm truly apologetic, largely because the preceding sentence is a gross understatement. Unfortunately, the entire dissertation project has also degenerated into similar ugliness. I am trying very hard to give some structure to my ideas, but I can't seem to get past the theoretical chapter. Would you be able to make it for consultation this Wed or Fri afternoon? Thank you.

Regards,
Elaine

That just about says it all.

Essay woes

I just spent 7 hrs playing a repetitive, brainless online game. 7hrs! This from a person who deleted minesweeper from her computer because she just used to sit there and play for hours without realizing. So that's not too surprising. I hate online games.

Oh my precious 7 hrs... *groan* I really really really needed those 7hrs for my essay. I'm going to die, and there's no essay god I can pray to, so I'm definitely going to essay hell... *buries face in hands* Why? Why do I do this to myself?

And to my dearest LSB, in response to the question you asked over MSN (I didn't answer because I was busy playing my all important game. I didn't even eat dinner today!), we'll probably have to spend it doing work... *poor poor us*

News and Persuasion

Putin 'not running away' from Russia
"In my day, I did judo, not athletics. I'm not planning to run away anywhere."

Listing Russia's achievements, Mr Putin also admitted its shortcomings.

"We still have a lot to do in the social sphere," he admitted in his opening remarks.

The "we" intriguingly suggested that if he no longer remained a member of the team, he would still be close to it - whether the game was athletics, judo, or running Russia.

This irritated me, largely because it was an inept, unsophisticated attempt to make the argument that Putin does not intend to leave Russian politics. I might not disagree with the conclusion, but presenting a half-ass reason like "Putin used 'we' instead of 'they'" is silly. If you want to say something like that, there's plenty of ammunition you can muster from Russia's history, Putin's history, whatever. Trying to end the article on an ominous/fortune-telling note just sounds clumsy. It's as if all readers are supposed to gasp collectively at Putin's tendency to use 'we' instead of 'they'. It's not like he promised the return of Communist Russia or anything. Please. There're many much more intelligent ways in which you can conclude.

The Discovery/National Geographic programmes that (always!) end in a similar 'and-dark-clouds-loom' fashion never fail to irritate me.

Oh the intoxicating pleasure I get from telling people what to think.

The Milgram Experiment

Obeying and Resisting Malevolent Orders

Would you obey orders to hurt an innocent individual-even when the authority issuing them has no coercive means to enforce his or her commands? On the basis of one of the 20th century's most important and controversial pieces of research, chances are that you would. In the early 1960s, Yale social psychologist Stanley Milgram, PhD, conducted an experiment whose purpose was supposedly to study the effects of punishment on learning. The experimenter told the subject that his job was to teach a learner in an adjacent room to memorize a list of word-pairs, and every time the learner made an error, the teacher-subject was to punish the learner by giving him increasingly severe shocks by pressing levers on a shock machine. There were 30 levers whose shock values ranged from a low of 15 volts to the maximum of 450 volts. (In actuality, no electric shock was involved. The "learner" was an actor who only pretended receiving them, but the subject did not know this.) Despite the learner's increasingly pitiful screams and pleas to stop, a majority of subjects (over 60%) obeyed the experimenter's commands to continue and ended up giving the maximum "shock" of 450 volts.

The Stanford Prison Experiment

The Stanford Prison Experiment: A Simulation Study of the Psychology of Imprisonment

Excerpts from the slide show:

What suspects had done was to answer a local newspaper ad calling for volunteers in a study of the psychological effects of prison life. We wanted to see what the psychological effects were of becoming a prisoner or prison guard. To do this, we decided to set up a simulated prison and then carefully note the effects of this institution on the behavior of all those within its walls.

Our study of prison life began, then, with an average group of healthy, intelligent, middle-class males. These boys were arbitrarily divided into two groups by a flip of the coin. Half were randomly assigned to be guards, the other to be prisoners. It is important to remember that at the beginning of our experiment there were no differences between boys assigned to be a prisoner and boys assigned to be a guard.

...

Most prisoners believed that the subjects selected to be guards were chosen because they were bigger than those who were made prisoners, but actually, there was no difference in the average height of the two groups.

...

As soon as I realized that #819 could hear the chanting, I raced back to the room where I had left him, and what I found was a boy sobbing uncontrollably while in the background his fellow prisoners were yelling that he was a bad prisoner. No longer was the chanting disorganized and full of fun, as it had been on the first day. Now it was marked by utter confomity and compliance, as if a single voice was saying, "#819 is bad."


I suggested we leave, but he refused. Through his tears, he said he could not leave because the others had labeled him a bad prisoner. Even though he was feeling sick, he wanted to go back and prove he was not a bad prisoner.

...

when we ended the hearings by telling prisoners to go back to their cells while we considered their requests, every prisoner obeyed, even though they could have obtained the same result by simply quitting the experiment. Why did they obey? Because they felt powerless to resist. Their sense of reality had shifted, and they no longer perceived their imprisonment as an experiment. In the psychological prison we had created, only the correctional staff had the power to grant paroles.

During the parole hearings we also witnessed an unexpected metamorphosis of our prison consultant as he adopted the role of head of the Parole Board. He literally became the most hated authoritarian official imaginable, so much so that when it was over he felt sick at who he had become -- his own tormentor who had previously rejected his annual parole requests for 16 years when he was a prisoner.

...

Prisoners coped with their feelings of frustration and powerlessness in a variety of ways. At first, some prisoners rebelled or fought with the guards. Four prisoners reacted by breaking down emotionally as a way to escape the situation. One prisoner developed a psychosomatic rash over his entire body when he learned that his parole request had been turned down. Others tried to cope by being good prisoners, doing everything the guards wanted them to do. One of them was even nicknamed "Sarge," because he was so military-like in executing all
commands.

By the end of the study, the prisoners were disintegrated, both as a group and as individuals. There was no longer any group unity; just a bunch of isolated individuals hanging on, much like prisoners of war or hospitalized mental patients. The guards had won total control of the prison, and they commanded the blind obedience of each prisoner.

...

At this point it became clear that we had to end the study. We had created an overwhelmingly powerful situation -- a situation in which prisoners were withdrawing and behaving in pathological ways, and in which some of the guards were behaving sadistically. Even the "good" guards felt helpless to intervene, and none of the guards quit while the study was in progress. Indeed, it should be noted that no guard ever came late for his shift, called in sick, left early, or demanded extra pay for overtime work.

Typical LSB-Justareed (JR) MSN Convy

JR: LSB!

LSB: ????????// yes dearie?

JR: i missed u today cute(

LSB: haha tat's so sweet

LSB: have u bn doing work

JR: an itsy bitsy teeny little bit

JR: u say me sweet?

JR: yes? u say me sweet?

LSB: erm........

JR: u say me sweet?

JR: yes? sweet?

LSB: yes yes

JR: hehehehehehehehehehe

JR: snigger

JR: so shy

LSB: erm diao

Respect and Resistance

A1one: 1st generation Graffiti in Iran

Iran… what do we really know about it? And which of all these facts are actually true? What kind of image do we have? And would we include something like ‘Iranian Graffiti’ or ‘Street Art from Tehran’ in this image?

If so, what would that look like? Do we expect any strong Anti-American messages? Or do we think of a strong form of expression against the government maybe? Or could it be sympathizing with a local party? Or what if it was not about any official statement at all, but what if Iranian street art was simply a form of personal expression? Or maybe it is even all of the above, still testing out what ’street art’ could possibly be in this particular environment… PingMag interviewed A1one, the one who started graffiti in Tehran.

I just discovered PingMag, and I'm falling head over heels in love with it.

I amaze myself

It's essay time again!

No matter how long I have to research and write, I always end up doing all the work in less than a day.

I'm freaking amazing I tell you.

This is 40% of my grade!

And I'm feeling complacent.

Because guess what, I've got 800+/4000 words at 12.45am the day the essay is due, and you know, that's kind of better than my usual 'holy shit it's 4am, I'd better start, but what am I to write about' situation.

So I'm doing all these mental calculations in my head, and I'm like, I've gotta be in school by 2pm tomorrow, so let's say I have till 1pm. Factor in 2hrs for stoning + the inevitable 'pls-wake-me-up-in-1hr-but-failing-that-just-give-me-3hrs-more' sleep, that gives me 6 hrs to write 3000 words.

Not bad at all dude. That's about 1/4 of a day.

Oops I forgot to count the 30mins for random incoherent blogging. Slightly less than 1/4 of a day.

Oh yeah, I haven't done any research, so I shall have to search for articles online. Minus another 2hrs.

WTH it's 40% of my grade! Why do I insist on screwing myself over like this? I need therapy.

Gender and Games

Game Boys for Play Girls! games & gender by Babsi
Barbara ‘Babsi’ Lippe enjoyed a typical postmodern childhood filled with cartoons, action figures, comics and video-games. The latter in particular had a great impact on her life: she has just finished a 1000 page PhD thesis about Games and Gender! PingMag interviewed the cheerful Austrian expert about why Japanese game esthetics are more appealing to women in the West and how the market in Europe is slowly changing.

Sometimes you just have to live and let live. I've been told that my place is like a jungle, not because it's untamed, messy and uncivilised - even though it IS all of the above, but because of the numbers of non-human wildlife that coexist with my more genetically-related family. There're times humans and non-humans just have to live with each other in harmony. *zen* *sings Circle of Life*

There's a spider that lives on the window-sill next to my study-table (or rather, my dad's table, which I've claimed as my own by choping it with my notes).

Another spider lives in my bathroom, though I haven't seen it recently.

Baby grasshoppers regularly frequent my laptop because of the heat and light. (The baby grasshoppers probably came from the plants in my balcony, where there're bigger grasshoppers. Yeah, my mum the gardener lives and lets live too.)

Baby lizards, or rather, young lizards (the one that visited last night wasn't that small) come to my laptop, probably for the same reason. The really small ones are cute though, because they're prone to acrobatics, jumping up and down for no apparent reason. (Sorry, Joyce)

Usually I'm less tolerant towards bigger/grosser forms of wildlife, and my human family members are tasked with chasing them away. These include cockroaches, BIG grasshoppers, moths/butterflies (but only when they fly into the house), beetles (esp. the stinky ones!), hairy spiders.

I'm also tolerant of wildlife insofar as they don't actually crawl on to me.

Recollection

I wonder if LSB remembers the night we danced at the bus-stop at his house while it was raining. He thought it was stupid of course, and even I felt a bit embarrassed even though I was the one who coerced him into it. He'll probably kill me for speaking about this in public.

New battleground

US plans to 'fight the net' revealed
A newly declassified document gives a fascinating glimpse into the US military's plans for "information operations" - from psychological operations, to attacks on hostile computer networks.

The operations described in the document include a surprising range of military activities: public affairs officers who brief journalists, psychological operations troops who try to manipulate the thoughts and beliefs of an enemy, computer network attack specialists who seek to destroy enemy networks.

...

It seems to see the internet as being equivalent to an enemy weapons
system.

"Strategy should be based on the premise that the Department [of Defense] will 'fight the net' as it would an enemy weapons system," it reads.

Woah this is some crazy shit. But it's hardly surprising that people in the security sector would see the Internet in this light.

Americans have been notoriously bad at soft power, something that's perhaps not entirely their fault, since people like to pick on the big boys. It's funny though, how they see soft power in such militarized terms. 'Fight the net'? What happened to 'promote cultural awareness and understanding'? It makes it seem like they see everyone else as a potential enemy instead of a potential friend. (or at least the article makes it seem so, and we know how much the BBC likes US foreign policy these days)

Of course now that the document's out in the open, that means more bad press for them. Nobody likes Big Brother propagandists. They should have stuck to the wimpy cultural exchanges.

I also have to say that I don't like the idea of propaganda and surveillance of the Internet being institutionalized and legitimized as part of a 'war'. (I know it happens all the time already.) Netizens unite! (haha)

Have you read the papers?

First tutorial today passed by in a fog of drowsiness. 10am is not a good time for me.

I was looking over LSB's (long-suffering bf) shoulder as he was scanning through microforms of newspapers from the late 1950s and early 1960s.

I never knew the papers were so interesting!

There were the priceless nuggets like 'Cat gives birth to squirrel,' and 'Englishman possessed by spirit of lama.' A lady divorced her husband because he refused to give her money for lipstick and cigarettes. A writer was horrified by homosexuality in prisons. People were to watch out for an injured man-eating tiger. Rubber prices were down. Chantilly lace was debonair (yes, the article used this word!) this summer. Lolita was all the rage among liberals in America, and we weren't certain at all if it was indeed pornography. Dulles had passed away, and the Russians were wrangling in a most uncivilised manner with the Americans. People were struggling with issues of language and culture, and students held emergency meetings to pass resolutions on governmental misdeeds. Algeria and Congo were in the news, as was merger, and Scottish dances were all the fad with 'blood-curdling screams' from the men and 'twirling skirts' attached to girlish waists (yes, actual quotes).

I love the papers.

ed: Just a note, these were local papers.

ed2: LSB just notified me that Malay Mail (the paper we were looking at) was actually a Malayan publication, and therefore not really 'local'. Not that anyone cares, but historians are anal retentive like that.

WTH?

The ES does come close to Wendtian constructivism on one point: materialism vs idealism. Both are in-between positions here, the ES somewhat more materialist than all/most constructivists. But they differ on a whole complex of other questions (notably the view of language, rationality, analysts role, and IR theory/theories) and this brings the ES closer to classical realism and post-structuralism, than to constructivism.
- Ole Waever, 1999.

ARGH! Stop screwing with my mind! That was NOT what I thought the ES was! And how can you mention classical realism and post-structuralism in the same breath? How?!?! How could you? Now what am I supposed to do? Now I know nothing!

------ (edited)

Ok, now that I've calmed down somewhat.

It seems I always get stuck on the theory, esp. the definitions... largely because I still believe that half the argument is won by definitions and categorization. I never seem to get to the application of theory. Ok I admit, it's also partly because I prefer theory to application.

This was exactly what happened to my HT, which was supposed to be an application of theory, but ended up being a meaningless 10,000 word exposition on a minor theoretical point that I could have dealt with in 2 sentences. Oh the benefits of hindsight.

I have to stop reading these theory-related articles and actually get down to application. Soon. As soon as I've got this latest bit figured out.

News

Ancient Greek gods' new believers Followers of the 12 Greek Gods, who, according to mythology, ruled the Ancient World from Mount Olympus, have cast a thunderbolt at their Orthodox opponents.

This was inexplicably amusing to me. Well, not exactly inexplicably. Amusing largely because I've heard the example of 'pagan' worship used in polemics against Christianity so many times (you have 'faith' in your God, but these Greeks, guess what? they had 'faith' too!), it's sort of funny to know they're still around, alive and (kicking and stepping on people's toes).

BlogTV.sg
blogtv.sg is a programme where the blogosphere is transported onto the television screen. Different discussion topics each week are derived from the latest buzz in blogs - be it podcasts, video clips or pictures. Guest bloggers and experts from Singapore and around the world (it could be you!) come onto the show; have chats with our hosts through web cams and even 3G phones.

I should watch TV more often. There've already been 13 episodes on CNA (Channel News Asia, for those not in the know), and I've only just discovered (while surfing, not watching tv, of course).

As far as I can tell from the write-ups on each episode, they tend to focus on social (as opposed to political - again, the separation in Singaporean discourse between 'social' and 'political'. Sorry, I'm Singaporean after all.) issues, except for Ep.12: Big Boys Blogging, which just might cross the line into politics. Of course I wouldn't know how far they went, unless I bother downloading and watching the episode myself.

I find it really interesting though, that if you go to any of the BlogTV.sg pages, there's a column on 'Blogosphere News', much like the 'Business News' or 'Financial News' columns you see on other sites. The idea of a 'Singapore Blogosphere', I think, is gaining currency, and the reinforcement from the MSM will only transfer the idea to more non-bloggers.

Funny how I tend to see non-bloggers as the 'non-'/'different' now.

One turn away from the woods

I've been following this blog for some time, even though the author of the blog doesn't update very frequently nowadays.

The blog's author is a young lady who ended up living in her car on a quiet lane in the woods. She's now no longer homeless, and is about to publish a book. Having been a silent reader of her blog from before she clinched the book deal, I honestly feel very happy for her.

(I know it sounds as if I should start the next sentence with a 'but'. But there's no 'but' here.)

What I find intriguing and compelling about her story is how you can lose your way with just a few wrong turns, and when you look around, you suddenly find that you're all alone in the woods. And how there're probably many many others like her, who haven't had her good fortune.

Contentment

I've realized (with some surprise) that these days I've been more contented and comfortable than I've been in a long long time.

Yes, I whine about loads of stuff, like work, the weather, life and the universe.

But generally, I'm kind of happy.

Maybe it's got to do with my decision to not think about graduate studies/work yet. Maybe it's because of the free and easy (but horribly busy) schedule I have nowadays, allowing me to plan my time as I like (although that'll change soon). Maybe it's because my supervisor already has no illusions about me since I've totally let on that I'm prone to laziness and am unable to communicate with humans without making funny faces at them.

Somehow I feel unbeholden to anyone, no longer perpetually guilty about not being the person people think I am/expect me to be. Which is perhaps why nowadays I've acquired an alarming tendency to whine/act cute, which is the kind of person I really am inside, just that you never knew hehe...

We'll see how long this lasts. I've been hesitant about writing about my new-found contentment, because I'm never sure how temporary these things are. Probably by next week I'll be in the middle of an earth-shaking tragedy as I realise how hopelessly incompetent I am at managing a bunch of undergraduates.

Work

I need to start thinking about work. Seriously. So I'll combine work and blogging as usual.

I need to write a paper showing that ASEAN is an international society, and it'll probably be more difficult than I initially thought. I'll need to take on realism, constructivism (especially constructivism!) and I'll have to say a word or two on regime theory. The thing is, I have to distinguish between arguing for the merits of the English School and arguing that ASEAN is an international society. I'm so used to arguing the first that I've to be very careful not to mix up the 2 arguments (even though they obviously overlap). So... I know that regime theory is different from ES theories - but the question is, is a regime different from an international society?

Assuming I'm able to do that, I've got to look at the 'meat' of international society theory. What does it mean when you say a group of states form an international society? Since I'm adopting the Hedley Bull approach, I'll probably split it into rules and institutions. So I'll be looking at constitutive, coexistence and cooperative rules, and here I'll have to go back to the formal documents + the 'ASEAN Way'. I'll have to look at instances where these rules came into effect. I'll also have to look at balance of power as the primary primary institution, and see if balance of power in ASEAN fits Bull's framework. And then obviously I'll have to deal with the rest of the institutions. War, especially, stands out, and I'll have to deal with the difference between 'classical' ES theory and practice in ASEAN. Throughout this I'll probably have to keep mentioning common interests and values, and how these common interests and values led states to agree on common rules & institutions.

I suspect (especially when talking about bop) that I'll be borrowing a lot from my lecturer's own work. Which I don't like. I don't know how I can bring anything new, and I'd like to at least put up a small defence (however feeble) against my lecturer's arguments. So I should probably take a close look at his book (haha. sighz).

I can probably take issue with Narine's idea of Southeast Asian international society. (assuming the quote I have is representative of his work)

Note to self: when dealing with Constructivism I should also look at ASEAN-6 vs the rest, and then adopt Narine's point about identity not being a precondition for cooperation.

2nd note to self: I'll have to deal with the changes in the international society throughout ASEAN's history. ASEAN expansion would be a problem in terms of organization of the paper.

I'm writing another paper on performance legitimacy in Singapore, and how it has been shaped by discourses.

Surprisingly, I find that I'm more interested during discussions of Singapore politics than discussions about anything else.

For this one I want to narrow down what I mean by 'shaping' performance legitimacy. 'Shape' in what way?

I have to do more theoretical work on 'performance legitimacy'.

I'm also concerned about sources and causal links. So even though there's stuff in the secondary literature to back me up, I'll want to look at more recent official statements etc.

Hopelessly sleepy. Argh.

The blogs I read

Ghostinthewire asks in his entry on ideology and sinthomatic critique:

Can there be a thinking or a performance of criticism that does not repeat itself? Can we analyze and critically engage the social codes around us without participating in them?

Now I mention this not because I'm going to comment on his ideas. I actually don't know enough to make even a vaguely intelligent comment.

But I love reading posts with words like 'sinthomatic' and 'Lacanian' and 'metastasis'. I love these words to bits. They're like word-length poetry; there're so many ideas and concepts and histories (and many many books) squeezed into these few letters that they're quite overwhelming. They're tonnes of thinkers and books and other words cobbled together to form a word. They're such wonderfully delicious words! So many many many things in one! *delirious*

Yeah, and well, you get to learn something from posts like these too. I love all these intelligent people out there. They open doors that I never knew existed to worlds that I never knew existed. I get all excited and stuff. *strikes bimbo pose*

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
- Hamlet

Hmmm. Sinthomatic critique eh...

Oh, and one of my favourite poems (have I posted this before?):

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

- e.e.cummings

And... (indulge me) one of my favourite quotes:

His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through
the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all
the living and the dead.
- James Joyce

Scatter-brained me

I was so tired yesterday (because the day before I didn't sleep), I came home and went straight to bed. Well... actually I was hell-bent on watching tv, something that I haven't done in peace for ages, and therefore ended up sleeping on the sofa instead. During essay period I seldom sleep in my own bed. :P

Yesterday I forgot to raise the question that's been festering within during a meeting that was meant to answer our questions, and I had to email my query instead.

Today I accidentally took a reference book out of the library and didn't discover till it was a few hours too late. Which means I'll have to go back 1st thing tomorrow morning.

Then I realised I'd forgotten to bring my music teacher's CDs.

And then I left my violin in the long-suffering bf's place.

Argh someone save me from myself.

Imagination

Sometimes I really get tired of the rigour of academic research and writing. I re-read a few pages of Lord of the Rings just now, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. I keep feeling as if I have been neglecting something, and perhaps I've been forced to concentrate so much on rationality and logic that I've neglected the other forms of 'thinking'.

It's so wonderful to be able to let loose and not gnaw away at consistency and methodological precision and unstated assumptions etc. Even humour/wit has become a strain. And listening to good music is strenuous these days too, cos good music tends to short-circuit my brain into a state of frenzied ecstacy. The great thing about LOTR is the colours and songs that you can immerse in, and there's an unapologetic, gentle beauty about the textures of the story that is so different from the stuff I usually have to read. And I keep using the word 'texture' when describing LOTR, because I don't know what other word to use. 140pgs and it feels better than a nap. That's saying something.

*waves fist angrily at Fate, Gravity, and Circumstance*

I cracked my toenail while rushing for class because I was so sleepy. (Actually, what really happened was I stubbed my toe, fell on both hands and knees in the middle of the most populated canteen in the university, and then stared blankly - while still on the floor - at the blood oozing out from under my toenail for about half a minute. Glamorous eh.) Now my entire toe hurts, and I'm paranoid about people stepping on my injured toe. Which was why I came *this* close to screaming at people to get away from me on the MRT today.

So I started my first class of 2007 with a bleeding toenail. I also started my first class realizing that I hadn't copied my readings for that class. Well, at least I didn't do too badly for the book review that I was angsting about.*gloat*

My silly ass of a sister decided to take the module that I might be tutoring (still in denial). Thank goodness I've been assured that there is No Way she'll end up in my class. I keep feeling that I'm more trouble than help to the Dept though. We shall see.

My violin teacher still maintains that I'm on the edge of a great height and a long way down, of failing my exam. Actually, who am I kidding. I'm already off the cliff and reaching terminal velocity. (I know, I know, I never say anything new about my violin lessons).

I *heart* Mayday! They're so smooshy!